Meh.

I’ve been staring at my laptop’s screen for more than thirty minutes now, (and now an hour has passed, just to finish this post) trying to find the right words on how I should explain what I feel.

Empty? No. I know I feel something.
Bothered? Maybe? But to what?
Tired? Exhausted? Burnout? Anxious? Yes? But definitely not depressed.

I’ve been repressing my thoughts and emotions these past few months, hoping that if I don’t entertain them, they would stop. But I was wrong. And now it grew this much.

People who really knew me knows how much I love to write or talk to them about anything. Especially what I’m feeling. But now even that, I find too tiring. I don’t know why though. Parang nagsawa na ako. 

I haven’t been able to write also, or talk to a friend at least. One of the reasons is we are all busy. I am very busy. Wala akong time makadama ng kahit na ano, wala akong time gumawa ng kahit na ano. But at night when I’m travelling home, or when I’m about to sleep, my chest feels heavy. I suddenly want to cry, or scream, or just dance, or throw everything my hand could hold. Ang gulo diba? Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo.

Even though I am able to do a lot at work, and finish all the jobs that are assigned to me, it seems that it’s still not enough; that I don’t achieve anything; that my life’s still stagnant. Walang fulfillment. Walang development. Wala pa rin kahit na parang ang dami mo nang nagawa.

Maybe I’m just tired — sa work (???). Or maybe there’s nothing new anymore. Everything just became a routine. I’ll wake up at 3am, go to work at 5, be at the office before 7, will render at least 4 hours of overtime, will go home. Sleep for 5 hours, lucky if I get home early and there’s no traffic. Repeat the cycle. Every. Boring. Day.

But.

I’m still thankful that I am able to experience this. Means I’m still alive yeah?

But again.

UGH I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe I’ll just sleep.

Change will come your way, but be aware

As we grow old, we will notice some changes not just in our physical appearance, but also in terms of our emotional, psychological, and social aspects of life. There will be times that you will feel and think about everything at once, or nothing at all — like minding even the smallest matter and nonsense happenings, or just feeling numb over an important one. Eventually, you will notice these things slowly and later understand that it’s a part of the process of being a grown up.

However, there are chances that we won’t fully understand why some changes has to happen — even if we already knew that it’s for our benefit (well, it should be for the better, though). It’s just that some are hard to accept, and sad to realize. Especially when it comes in the aspect of our social life.

The relationship among our family, friends, and ourselves will be affected by these changes.

Because we’re in the process of adulting and our priorities, mindset, and beliefs are changing, we now take things more seriously. Ignorance are being replaced by awareness and familiarity, causing us to be wise about our every actions and be confident in the results; Decisions are being deeply thought-out, trusting and depending to others are being cloudy, and time is becoming more than a gold. This means that we only consume time for productivity, and also means that activities that doesn’t relate, benefit, and make us happy is in the lower list.

We will then find out that the chances to be with the people we were always with before is dropping, which might lead to losing them, one by one.

It’s okay though, it’s a good thing to be clever and allot more time to the things that we can gain at. But keep this in mind: people are changing too, and it’s not always a hundred percent assurance that they will still be there in the corner where we left them. They also need to move forward just like us, anyway. We’re only fortunate if we are all going in the same direction.

Because we’re changing, we’re becoming busy living the way we want, and only focusing on the things we aim. Hence, we often forget to spend time with our family and friends — even a “me” time, which is really important, is being neglected. We overlook that time is very valuable, and once it has passed, we can no longer go back to have it.

Thus, as much as possible, we must spare some of it, even a little time will do, to the activities that can improve not just ourselves, but also our relationship with the people around us.

Change is inevitable, that is a fact, and it can be caused by many factors. We just have to make sure that we’re changing for the best.

Currently: Entry 2

Hooray for Weekends! Hello! So here I am, blogging again about my currently entry numbeeeer two! I have time to use Eys now because it’s weekend and I don’t have work. I think that’s one of the things I like about the company that I am working at, aside from the kind people, good trainers, nice ambiance, and advanced technology! I’m still a trainee tho,  I started last July 3. Hehe. I also can’t believe that I already spent a week in the office with some new people! Hooray! I survived the first week!

Uhm, I sometimes miss my college classmates, and subconsciously wishing that they’re the ones I am with. Hehe. But yeah, new people means new experiences & lessons, and that kinda excites me.

So anyway, I am here to blog my currently/ies (lol) so let’s start with what I’m…

R E A D I N G

Well, currently, sad to say, there’s none. But I am planning to read a book that a friend gave me as a compensation for a book cover I made for her. And yes, I still haven’t finished the first book I started last week. No time. Huhu

W R I T I N G

None, aside from this post.

L I S T E N I N G

The sound of the AC, and the keyboard. I miss the room and the time I was able to be in here the whole day, just typing my stories or whatsoever kechenelynhan.

W A T C H I N G

Again, nothing. However, I want to watch a horror movie in my HD, but sleeping seems better so I’ll sleep after I post this entry. Hahaha.

T H I N K I N G

What to do tomorrow, but I remember that a classmate would be here and she’s going for a sleepover because she’s going with me on Monday in the company. I’ll try to refer her to the HR for the same position as I am. Hehe. I hope she’ll pass the exam though.

H O P I N G

To finish the sketch / book that my friend and I planned to do before August come. But I doubt that I’ll come to draw the 1st illus completely. I’m barely moving with the plan huhu. But yeah, I’m hoping.

N E E D I N G

To be organized. A notebook for listing the things I should do first and for managing my time. Since I am working now, I have less time to think more about things I should be doing. I sleep immediately when I get home, and weekend is all I have to do task filtering.

W A N T I N G

To sleep already and take a rest. Haha. I also want to see my college friends. Really misses them a lot. I hope we could bond like before. I really want to see and be with them again. :(

F E E L I N G

I guess, sleepy? Though I feel a little bit bored and I don’t think I can sleep that fast.

That’s it. Seeing the picture that I use as a banner of this post (it’s me and my co-trainees), makes me miss my college friends more. Huhu. Are they missing me too? :(

By the way,  I also watched our AVPs and Short films in lunch time while eating and my urge to produce a short film awakens. Aaaaah I badly want to do Lucia, a Psychological Thriller story that I plan to continue writing, which my college friends and I originally created when we were still determined to do a short film before. But due to schedules and reasons, we’re not able to do it. I hope that one day, if time permits us to make it, I will be really, really happy.

 

 

Currently: Entry 1

I’m really not much into this “type” of blogging, but for the sake of updating this blog (how shame huhu, but really, I also want to share here things I am thinking / doing so…), let me just try this. Maybe I’ll be doing this frequently or if I have time, even weekdays too, so I didn’t make it like the usual “Saturday/Sunday Currently” that you see in other blogs. So, hello. Let’s start, I guess?

R E A D I N G

After months of being away from my bookshelf, I’m happy to found time to read again last week, and now currently reading “The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight” and “We Belong” (for editing) at the same time.  The first title of the book has been stored in my eBook reader for almost a year now, and since I need something to kill the time last week while processing my requirements for work, I decided to read it. As of now, I’m on chapter 2 and I’m looking forward to finish it next week.

W R I T I N G

Well, obviously this blog post? Haha. Currently (re)writing also We Belong. And… nothing follows. lol.

L I S T E N I N G

to my niece and nephews reaction to a movie that’s in the television.

W A T C H I N G

Dawn of the Dead. Another zombie movie that really doesn’t thrill me. Seryoso, gusto ko na patayin yung TV kaso mga pamangkin ko, nakatutok. lol.

T H I N K I N G

About how should I spend this day wisely, what should I do that is productive, what else I am going to put on this blog, and many things regarding about my relationship status with my friends, etc. etc.

H O P I N G

For the better future. Hahaha. Kidding. Well now, I’m currently hoping for everything to go smoothly according to what’s planned. I’ll be entering new world now, as an employee, and I’m scared for what might come. Hahaha. I’m always a shitty, scaredy, introvert person, and yeah, I’m hoping to change for the better.

N E E D I N G

More time, and much more time to do my personal matters that surely I won’t be able to do for the following days, because I know I’m going to be busy at work. (and that thought makes me happy, no to bum life anymore!)

W A N T I N G

To see and talk to a friend. Really misses her a lot.

F E E L I N G

A little bit of lazy today, but more excited for Monday! Aaaah, I already feel the butterflies that has been stucked here for ages. Hehehe.

So there, I think that’s all? What a bore right? Lol. Maybe later I’ll watch a movie again, or a tutorial in Adobe Illustrator. Honestly, I learned how to use that software on the day of the technical examination itself for the position I am applying. I am amazed by myself. lol. Well, they have the same feature as Adobe Photoshop so that what makes it easier for me to explore the workspace.

So again, I guess I’ll be back some other time. Ciao Worpy!

… and hey! It’ July 1st! ♥

Best,

Rizza Maruja

 

What must I say?

Months had passed and I’m still trying to think of what I should put here in my blog. I admit that I don’t have enough inspiration to write or enough motivation to create some masterpieces to share here and yeah I just feel like floating every day — aside from being busy in school (and hooray! There are only few days left before graduation!).

Truthfully speaking, I think I already forgot how to write and put my feelings into words. There were nights that I really wanted to finish a chapter or an essay — a poem at least, but I always ended up staring the monitor for hours. I feel disappointed and frustrated that I have many pending works in my folder. I’m thinking maybe reality are slowly kicking in, and I am gradually entering the real world — which means no more day dreaming and childish stuff – whatsoever.

Well, many things happened and many things have changed in terms of my lifestyle, perception in life, and sensitivity to the people around me — and I still don’t know if it’s for the better… or worse.

As I type this, I am thinking the down moments I had last year. The most “painful” month for me was approaching soon and I am grateful to say that I was able to recover quickly. My broken heart was healed faster than I expected. Though there are still some times that I remember every painful things I experienced, but managed to overcome with the help of my friends and family — good bye to a broken heart and an unclear mind!

These past few months weren’t easy too, though. My bags under my eyes became luggage due to the making of our thesis. It was a hell week for us. We weren’t able to have a normal sleep during those moments and we considered ourselves lucky if we can have at least an hour of nap. And yes friends, thesis can destroy friendship! But since we’re close enough to talk about issues, we managed to finish it still friends. He he he.

I can’t make a list of all what happened but this one thing made me bothered big time:

A friend confessed his feelings to me.

At first, I thought it was only a joke (because I am used to him being the joker of the class) and I was confidently riding it without any meaning. So when the day came that he said he really have a feeling for me, that was when I became bothered. I said it was fine for me that he has feelings and agreed to act cool about it and stay friends for now, but honestly, it wasn’t easy to be around him for days. I can feel the awkwardness and discomfort between the two of us and I’m not used to that. Tho I can see that he’s trying to talk to me about that matter but still, I feel anxious. But yeah, every thing could be settled in a sensible talk and conversation so we’re okay now… as friends. Honestly, I was willing to entertain him (if he’s really gonna woo me) and was hoping for something to bloom but then I realized, I am not yet ready for another love and deep relationship. My family and career is my focus for now.

Anyways, my favorite moment so far is our Sakbay and Toga pictorial. We had our official Sakbay pictorial last March 16 and last week was our not-so-official-coz-we-just-set-up-a-studio Toga pictorial in a classmate’s house. Happiness is all over me because I can finally sense the success!!! Kidding. But uhuh, the pictures always put a smile on my face whenever I see them in my laptop just waiting for the right time to upload. Hihihi.

And oh! Of course! My favorite too was that I got the chance to visit Puerto Princesa, Palawan last February with my co-school publication staffers and editors for the 16th Luzonwide Press Conference! Tho I wasn’t able to win the the category I joined, still, I’m happy to finally get to ride an airplane! It was a wonderful experience for me! Yay!

I am excited too for the grad ball and the graduation day! I am excited for the dresses I will be wearing, for the pictures I will be taking, for the food that I will be eating, and for the moments that I will be creating and capturing with my friends inside and outside the school.

And of course, I am excited for the road I will be taking after graduation. :)

Faith. Hope. Love.

April 2016 has been the most painful month for me. And it was like a whole month of jokes, hoping one day — or at least on its last day — I will wake up and realize that all of what happened was only a dream. But it wasn’t.

I want to claim and declare that it is the most painful month because I do not want to experience it again in the future. Now I know why other people say that they are afraid to be happy, for one day, it will be replaced by pain, and not just sadness.

Actually, there are two kinds of pain that I have felt (and still feeling, I guess): The pain with sadness, and the pain with grudge.

As much as possible, I am trying to put away the latter. I don’t want to hold a grudge over someone because I know, in time, I will be the one who will suffer for doing so.

But here’s the thing why I am writing this: I have lost two men in my life.

One was the man who loved me and didn’t forget to remind me how valuable I am, but I was not able to show how I love him and appreciate all of the things he did for me; and one was the man who I loved deeply and gave so much time, but was not able to treasure my worth.

I am really sad that I only realized their difference when they’re both gone in my life, physically and mentally —  Physically, because daddy’s body is now gone, but his memories and presence will always stay in our hearts. Mentally, because N’s still there, somewhere, doing his things, not remembering me and all the things we’ve shared together… but his presence is now absent.

Did you now get what I mean?

There are no nights that I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I feel so empty… like there are so many pieces of myself that are missing and my heart and emotions are dead and numb. Though I miss daddy (I know mommy misses him so much too and we are all missing him so much), but when I look at his picture it’s like he’s still here. Sighs. And I still miss and think of N, but they say I shouldn’t because he’s not worthy of my time and emotions anymore. Sighs again.

Now it’s funny how I think that I am truly strong, because I have endured the pain and bear all the heartaches of losing people. The worse part of that was, I (almost) lost my self too because of that. Lucky, I didn’t.

As I have said in one of my post in my Tumblog,

“One of the saddest things that’s ever gonna happen to you, is to lose yourself along the way while searching for someone.”

We must all bear in our minds that nobody will ever gonna make you whole and complete except for yourself. I think people can only help you, but not gonna make you.

I’m now wishing and praying for acceptance, forgiveness, and motivation to trust people again. As a daily reminder, I keep on reading the phrase that I have written as a note to self, a year ago.

“I want you to be strong enough to move on, and to open your heart for another love.”

But as much as possible… be strong enough to accept and forgive, and to open your heart for trusting people again. 

 

 

“You need to keep moving on, darling, or you’ll miss the train to bigger things in life than this.”

quote to start my 2016.

I know it’s late for a greeting, but I would like to greet y’all a Happy New Year! This post is a rant for my 2015. Mehehe.

2015 was kinda a “hell-kind” of year for me. There came too many problems (in school, at home, etc.) that I was to blame too for being too pushy and frank and brave, also for having a high pride. Those (problems) caused me stress (more like depression) to the point that I want to end things already. Even my life. But who am I to end this? This is not mine.

I thought I was strong after all the things that has happened, not until some harder situations came, then I knew that I’m still weak. But good thing, there are still some people who stood still beside me and gave some advises, especially my family, and the Lord who keep on sending signals — telling me to just hold on and be still and keep my faith.

I know things got more complicated, but this time… I’ll be ready for what will happen. There comes a saying that it all happened for a reason. So, we should just have to accept it. No regrets. Move on and Let go.

Heh, this is so embarrassing. But I just to share these thoughts here.

I should end this post, I  hope everyone would have a prosperous 2016 and remember that the Lord God loves us all.

Ciao!

 

 

 

A Busy Week, indeed!

Since it’s a busy week, I didn’t have enough photos to share here in this blog today. Don’t expect pips! Lol.

Monday, we did an activity in our Modeling class. Our class was divided into three groups and each group will think of a  theme (should be animals) to make from wires. We also passed our homework, which was our surnames made from, yes, wires again. Our team thought about making an ‘Aquatic Theme’ so I did some Jelly Fish! After an hour, we presented our ‘masterpiece’ in front and uhuh, it’s kinda ugly and messy. Heehee.

There’s the jelly fish i did! They’re actually two! Hiii.

Tuesday, we started drawing on our sketch pads! We did Hatching but until now I’m not yet finish coz I dunno if I’ll continue what I started. I drew a book, and it looks simple compared to my classmates. :(

Wednesday to Friday, I don’t have pictures. I’m just too busy doing some stuff. And until now I’m still not finish in two of our homeworks! So I should do it now and I’ll be back next week! :)

I’m about to give up. But I know, giving up is not an answer.

Some people say I am lucky to have this and that. Some people say I am fortunate to become like this and that. Some people say they want to put themselves in my shoes because of this and that. But for me, I am not lucky enough. I am not fortunate enough. And sometimes, I wish I am not the one who fit in this shoes I am wearing now.

Last night was a not so-so good night for me. I cried a lot causing my eyes to bloat. I look like a fat raw Chinese now. Tch.  It’s just a small misunderstanding and nonsense issue between my brother and I. I just don’t understand him. I really don’t. And in the first place, he’s the one who started it. He threw cusses at me, in person and in FB. That’s why I deactivate my account there. He said I am the one who should be blame, too. But heck, I know what happened, I won’t hysteric like that if he didn’t do something wrong and bad and painful to me. I’ve never been cussed by my parents or guardians neither my friends! He’s the only worthless person who ever did that to me. I don’t care if people will tell me I am disrespectful. He’s not worth my respect, after all. Never will I respect him. EVER in my life!

But wait, he’s not the reason why I cried. I already told you, he’s not worth my respect nor my tears too. The reason why I silently cried last night was because of Mama. I heard her cry again over the phone because of us. She said she’s already tired. She said she want to give up. She also said to me the number one fact about our family. “Wala na nga kayong tatay, ganyan pa kayong magkakapatid?” Okay, who’s not going to be emotional with that? After she said that fact, I remained speechless. I know if I talk, I will burst in tears. So I remained silent, listening to her cries til the phone line was dead.

I know some things need to be private and some things should be kept to yourself forever but I feel like I need to release this emotions I am feeling right now. Last night after the call, I took a pen an paper and wrote something… unusual. You know what I wrote? I wrote a death note. Yes, a death note. I told everything in that letter. My feelings, the pain, everything. I also said in that letter that If she’s tired because of the situation, I am more tired because I have this kind of family. I have this kind of problems, and because I have this kind of life. And yes, I’m about to give up. You know what I did? I restrained myself from breathing. But I can’t. I’m afraid, to be honest. Maybe I just can’t let go and be dead because I’m still in love with life, even though life doesn’t love me.

Problems will end. Challenges and obstacles will be over. But life will remain life, even people dies, life goes on. 

Even though it’s hard, even though sometimes the thought of ending things is occurring my mind, as much as possible, I want to remain alive.

Dear Worpy,

I’m in the midst of stress and depression, isama mo pa ang frustration, ngayon. Wala kasi akong mapagsabihan eh. Puwede bang dito na lang?

Umiiyak ako ngayon. Umiiyak na naman ako ngayon. Kaiiyak ko lang kagabi eh! Tch. Ngayong araw ko kasi binitawan yung kagustuhan kong mag-aral ulit. Si Mama eh, magulong kausap. Kaya sabi ko ayoko na kahit gustong gusto ko talaga. Ha-ha! Hindi naman big deal, pero parang big deal sa akin. Alam mo yung… nag-iisip ako na… Yung iba nga eh walang pampaaral pero nagagawan ng paraan. Yung tipong nagwoworking student, nagta-trabaho kahit hirap na hirap na makapag-aral lang. Kung tutuusin puwedeng puwede ko naman gawin ‘yon eh. Kulang lang talaga ako sa determinasiyon at lakas ng loob. Pero sabi ko nga, talagang… iba lang yung meron kang “full support” na naggagaling sa parents mo. (pero yung iba walang parents ‘di ba?) but hey, it’s not the point. Iba yung sinasabi kong “support”. I hope you get me.

Ito pa, napag-isip-isip ko na din kasi, yung iba ngang graduate ng 4 years hanggang ngayon walang work eh. Pero yung ibang hindi nakatapos ng college eh may work naman. Ang ewan lang eh ‘no? Pero kasi, iba pa din talaga para sa akin na may pinanghahawakan ako. Sa akin lang ‘yon eh. Once na makapagtapos ako ng 4 years eh feeling ko iba. Iba talaga ang dating sa akin. Pero wala eh, kung mag-aaral ako ulit, lalo akong manliliit. Bakit kasi hindi na lang ako kumuha ng 4 year course nung una pa lang ‘di ba? Ayan, pakiramdam ko tuloy napag-iiwanan na ako. Haay life, bakit ko ba ginagawang komplikado ang lahat? Tch.

Sabi nila maging praktikal daw. Kaya sige hindi na ako naghangad na makakapagtapos ako ng may degree. Okay na sa akin yung nakatapos ako ng vocational. Okay na sa akin yung nakatungtong ako sa stage na nakaitim na damit at may hawak na diploma. Pero biglang in-open up eh. Tinanong ako kung gusto ko pa daw mag-aral ulit. Siyempre um-oo ako! Ang saya-saya ko na. Kasi puwede na akong maging fine arts or journalist student, alinman sa dalawa, pero boom! Biglang sinabi na kapag balik first year ako eh HUWAG NA LANG DAW. Ehh ano ‘yon? Malamang balik first year ako non! Malamang iilan lang ang subject kong mace-credit nung first year. Wala pa ngang 20 ang units namin ‘non eh. Tch. Mga anim lang ang subject na pinag-aaralan namin non. Kaya ayun, nabigo ulit ako. Umasa ako eh. Akala ko okay na sa kanya, okay naman daw sa kanya kasi gusto niya kahit na kaming dalawa lang ng kapatid kong babae ang makapagtapos ng 4 years sa amin. Pero eh huwag na lang. Nawalan ako ng pag-asa. Pero heto patuloy na umaasa naman. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Sobrang naguguluhan ako. Nakailang hingi na ako ng payo. Sabi nila sundin ko daw ang puso ko. Pero paano nga kasi???? Paano ba sundin ang puso??? Ilang araw na akong tuliro kakaisip nito. Kung maraming marami lang sana akong pera edi sana hindi na ako namomroblema ‘di ba? Pero hindi naman talaga ‘to problema eh. Mas malaki pa yung problema nung iba. Sadyang ginagawa ko lang kumplikado ang lahat. But what can I do? I can’t help not to think of it. It’s a matter of choosing between the things that you want to do and the things that THEY WANT you to do kasi ang dating eh. Kaya heto, litong lito na ako.

Sa sobrang lito ko na eh parang gusto ko na lang mag disappear na parang bula! Gusto ko nang lisanin ang Earth! Gusto ko nang madedo. Para kung hindi ko man magawa yung mga gusto ko o hindi ko man magawa yung mga gusto nila eh walang sisihan na mangyayari. Tahimik pa ang buhay ko.

Hay life, parang buhay.

Idagdag mo pa yung wala akong makitang trabaho! Nyemas lang ‘di ba?! I feel so useless!!!! Nakakahiya ka, Rizza. ><