March na, and time is really passing by so fast! Dahil wala akong magawa at naisipan kong mag-stay lang sa bahay today, I decided to compile some of my “thoughts” entries ko sa “notes” ng aking phone here, in case, magloko ng tuluyan ang aking phone.
Whenever I’m alone, or while on the way to office, I think of some things and ideas that really matter to me. Nakakatawang basahin yung iba, becasue sobrang negative at talagang makikita mong nasa down moments ako, but the other notes seemed okay, and very uplifting. I suddenly realized na ang dami ko na palang nare-realize, and then kapag bumabalik ulit ako sa down state, nalilimutan ko yung mga na-realize ko na. It’s really true that we always learn something from our experiences, but eventually, kapag may nakapagpadown ulit sa atin ten times of the previous, nalilimutan natin yung mga lesson na nakuha natin do’n.
Well, I just like to share to this blog some of my thoughts, starting from July last year. Some of them, you may find so random, and uhm, i guess a bit odd. I’ll also try to remember the exact feeling and the reason why I wrote that.
“July 11, 2017
The one person who you always thought would be there in your up and down moments will slowly fade and drift away. I guess this is a part of being a fully-grown adult, from which an aspect of your life is eventually narrowing, where letting people go and them leaving you would just become normal. In the end you don’t have a choice, but to comprehend and accept the fact that people are not meant to stay.”
Well, uh, in this thought, I think I was experiencing an extreme separation anxiety from the people I used to be with before graduation. I must say now, hindi pala dapat “narrowing” yung term ko. I should have used the term “expanding/broadening” kasi lumalawak yung pangunawa mo. I guess what I meant in “narrowing” is nababawasan ang mga tao sa buhay mo, but that’s okay, kasi ang matitira na lang ay yung mga kailangan mo at kailangan ka.
“July 25, 2017
One factor why we are hurting is because we assume for things that doesn’t really exist – a feeling, an attention, a romantic relationship that’s actually sympathetic.
Sometimes, we only make our own heartaches.”
Oh well, things were really confusing before and people are making it more complicated. I was torn between two people I had feelings with.
“August 11, 2017
How is it illogical to compare your interest in buying books to your interest of getting inked? Pareho mo silang desire, kaya same-same lang. Iyon iyon. Whether it’s not for investment, it’s for yourself naman. You’re fulfilling your satisfaction. Bakit kailangan lahat ng gagawin mo nakabubuti sa ekonomiya?”
Oh, I remember this. My brother and I were arguing about his partner getting inked. He got mad because his partner got a tattoo, and I said that’s okay, let his partner do whatever his partner wants. I compared it to someone’s interest to buy books that that someone really wanted. Sabi ko, ‘di ba kapag gustong gusto mo, bibilhin mo? And you’ll be happy kapag nabili mo na. Then he said, it’s different. Kasi yung books, pwede mong maging investment, may makukuha kang knowledge na pwede mo i-share sa iba. Sa pagta-tattoo daw wala, mag-aaksaya ka lang ng pera. He didn’t get my point. What I’m saying is, yung “joy/happiness” na makukuha mo kapag nagawa mo yung gusto mo / nabili mo yung gusto mo. I was really mad kasi hindi siya nagpapatalo, pinasok pa niya ang politika. Syempre, ang ending, siya na ang may last say kasi wala na akong masasabi kapag may usaping politika na. But in the end naman, wala siyang nagawa kundi tanggapin na may tattoo na yung artner niya e. Mehehe.
“August 17, 2017
blank mind, occupied feelings
tho it weigh to much, i feel like flying.
am i just confused? i don’t know
nothing is having sense now.”
Ah, the moment when I was having a hard time thinking if I should be continuing what I started. I really wanted to do something else, pero hindi ko alam paano ako magsisimula at kung ano ang mangyayari if ever itigil ko man ang ginagawa ko — work related. Hahaha
“August 5, 2017
For a moment she thought
everything is real.
In that fleeting time it brought
too many feels.
She refused to get hurt
that’s why she’s stopping (trying to)
Though it all seemed to blur
her hope’s still knocking (even if she doesn’t want it to)”
Love. Let us all blame it to love. Hahaha! But I guess, hindi pa naman siguro “love” yung nafefeel ko no’n. Lonely lang siguro ako, at, longing.
“August 20, 2017
Naniniwala pa rin ako sa sinasabi nilang bumabalik ang pagmamahal.”
Hindi ito yung buong entry, but this is the whole thought. Ewan, ang drama ko nito. Na-realize ko na kahit ilang beses akong balewalain, I’ll still be that same person na pwede mong puntahan uli to be a friend, kahit ilang beses mo pang iwanan para sa iba. Kasi naniniwala ako, na kapag ako naman yung umalis, mayroon pa ring tatanggap sa akin.
“September 13, 2017
Bakit nga ba tayo nananatili at umaasang lahat ng ginagawa natin sa iba ay babalik? Malasakit pa rin ba ang tawag do’n o pagmamahal kung iyon ang nasa isip natin?”
See. Wala pang isang buwan, kinontra ko na agad ang sinabi ko sa last note. Ang funny talaga ng mind natin mag-create ng iisipin just because sa pangyayari.
“November 12, 2017
Isang salop ng pagdududa
Mala-dagat na kaba,
ang lumulunod sa kaniya.
Tatlong dipa sa pagkakamali,
matinding takot na ‘di maikukubli
Milyong kilometrong layo sa tagumay
at mga paang pagal na sa paghakbang.”
I think things went well for a month, kasi wala akong thoughts nung October. But of course, may mga point pa rin talaga sa life natin na magiging down tayo ulit, at magdududa tayo ulit, at manghihina tayo ulit. Tapos magiging okay, and then babalik sa hindi pagiging okay. Ang hirap pala talagang ma-achieve ang stable na mindset.
“December 22, 2017
Pwede pa rin pala ‘yon. you can still love a person even though wala na kayong label. You can still care for a person, and you still have the rights to be concerned kahit wala ka ng papel sa buhay niya.
Free naman kasing makaramdam ng love e.”
I can’t exactly remember why I wrote this. I think because I got a chance to see an old friend and we were talking about her ex? Hahaha!
“December 27, 2017
Bakit ba napakahirap na maging totoo sa nararamdaman? Yung tipong gusto mong humindi, pero dahil iniisip mo ang magiging epekto nito sa taong hihindian mo ay mapapa-oo ka na lang. Kompromiso. Palagi kang nakokompromiso. Ikaw palagi ang nag-aadjust sa sitwasyon. At kahit ikaw na mismo ang nahihirapan ay gagawin mo pa rin, kahit hindi talaga okay sa’yo. Pagpapakaplastik ba ‘yon? O pagmamalasakit? Pagpapakamartir ba ‘yon? O pagmamahal? Nakakalito. Minsan masarap na lang magsawalambahala ng lahat e.”
Confused na naman ako nung time na ito. I couldn’t recognize which is which anymore. At hindi ko matandaan bakit ako nagda-drama. Ito yata yung time na… merong bumalik? And I’m not sure kung gusto kong tanggapin ulit. But because iniisip ko ang mararamdaman niya, tinanggap ko uli.
“January 17, 2018
Tao lang ako, magkakamali ako. Pero kahit anong mangyari, desisiyon ko ito.
Yah. That’s the best that I’ve heard this day. Totoo. Sa bawat pagkakamali, bawat sakit, bawat pagkakadapa, desisiyon natin ‘yon. Tayo ang may gawa no’n. At tayo ang mag-e-earn ng lessons sa mga nangyari. And that’s good. :)”
I was listening to a radio show. Yung scenario ata is, pinagbabawalan nung kuya yung kapatid niya na mag boyfriend. Silang dalawa na lang kasi. Then si kapatid ayaw ng magpadikta at gusto ng sundin ang puso. Hindi ko nalaman ang ending, kasi kailangan ko ng bumaba ng uv. But yung line na ‘yan ang tumatak sa akin.
“January 27, 2018
just like pieces of paper,
all dusty, all crumpled;
a forgotten coin in a losr waallet,
and a rusty tin can in a bucket.
this thing i don’t understand
it makes me lost, oh my mind.
do i have a place in anyone’s heart?
coz i cannot find in mine.”
See how my mood in just 10 days can change. Hahaha! From being positive again to becoming negative. Is it natural?
“February 6, 2018
It’s all in my head. Everything that I thought and feel is in my head. All produced by my mind. Kaya ako nasasaktan, kaya ako nafu-frustrate. it’s because iniisip kong nasasaktan at nafu-frustrate ako. Dapat kung nasasaktan ako, I should try healing myself. If nafu-frustrate ako, I should try harder, or do something to not feel frustrated. It’s me. Ako lang talaga ang problema. I complicate things and I hate it.”
Obviously, I’m trying to lift up myself. Kinakain na kasi ako ng mga iniisip ko. Nireremind ko ang sarili ko na hindi naman magulo, ako lang ang nagpapagulo. At kung magulo, dapat kayanin kong ayusin, dapat kong ayusin.
But the next days, I still feel down. Ayaw kong pumasok no’n, pero wala akong choice kundi pumasok at gawin ang mga dapat kong gawin.
“February 16, 2018
Dear old self,
I don’t know if you’ll be disappointed or proud of what you have become now, but I hope you won’t stop achieving greater things in life.
Things might be difficult for you in the days to come, but I swear, it will all be fine one day. I hope by then, you could make up your mind and follow the path you would really like to take in the first place. I hope you would not let the opportunity to just sit there, and eventually fade in time. I hope you cam really do the things you love, and I hope you would not give up on reaching them one by one.
And oh, please do take care and prepare yourself for there will be many heartbreaks on the road.”
Again, exactly 10 days, I decided to write to my old self, in a parallel universe, just in case she really exists. and just in case she still have the chance to change anything. I’m not saying that I want to change everything, and that I regret the things I did. But I wish, she will have the courage to do and take things I couldn’t before.
“February 20, 2018
She was the tough one
a rock that blocks the waves
the bamboo on a stormy day
the little child who’s still awake in the middle of the night.
it’s okay, that’s what she always says
because she knew that everything fades
she knew how to act in different stages
but about everything, she didn’t knew.
She was the tough one.
though one day, she’s not anymore.
she wanted to cry for help, just once
however, her voice seemed to run out.”
Re-reading all of the notes tell me that moods, emotions, and feelings are all temporary. one day, you’re feeling okay, then the next, you’re not. But at the end of it, it’s how you manage is what’s important.
Ang dami ko pang thoughts entries, pero hindi ko na sinama yung iba. Tungkol lang naman yun sa nagdududa kong nararamdaman sa isang tao. Mapanlinlang ang damdamin, friends.