X.XVIII.XVII

For that short period of time i have felt alive.

Wore all those high hopes and smiles.

Got exhilarated every waking day,

With the thought that he was going to stay.

I would wait for his stares, every dismissal time,
and those timid smile he tries to hide.

My feelings got deep, i won’t even deny.

For every time i see him, I fly.

However, suddenly, it all stopped.
I guess we were both at fault, or not?

I’d like to think the timing’s not just right

And for now, this isn’t worth to fight.

The exchange of chats that kept me going;
The sending of random pictures and selfies;

The fighting over some nonsense things;

Those are the ones, perhaps, I’m gonna miss.

I should’ve held his hand sooner,
But I’m glad I got the chance to look at him closer.

Even though that moment, the silence won over,

that last day of August, I will surely treasure.

So now it’s time to say farewell,
For that something that was not really there.

Farewell to the chances we didn’t take.

Farewell to the love that was never made.

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Mabuti pa ang mga bulag

Minsang naligaw sa isang lugar, hindi alam ang patutunguhan
nakatayo sa gitna ng kalsadang walang ibang laman
kundi ang sariling nagtataka
Makakausad pa nga ba?

Lumingon sa likod, may nakitang isang bulag
Walang masyadong bitbit, isang baston lang ang tangay.
Agad na lumapit, at saka nagtanong
“Ang daan na ito, alam niyo ba kung saan hahantong?”

Turo turo ang daanang malawak,
saka napagtantong bulag nga pala ang kausap
Ngunit ngumiti at sumagot ang bulag,
“Saan mo ba gustong magtungo, anak?”

“Kung saan may kaligayahan,” ang sagot sa isip.
Subalit may lugar pa bang gano’n na masisilip?
“Kung saan may pag-ibig,” ang nais isunod.
“Sa lugar kung saan walang sakit na dulot.”

“Bigo ka ba?” tanong nito bago pa makapagsalita.
At sa sinabi niyang iyon, napaisip ng bahagya.
“Minsan hindi mo talaga alam kung saan ka pupunta,
kapag ang puso mo na ang naligaw sa umpisa.”

“Saan ba ang punta niyo?” ang tanging naisagot
Tumikhim ang bulag, at saka napasimangot
“Wala akong ibang napupuntahan
Ang itsura ng mga lugar para sa akin ay pare-pareho lang naman.

Siya uli’y napangiti,
hindi nagtagal.
Tinapik ang brasong nanlalambot na sa pagal
At saka sinabing:
Subalit hindi ang nararamdaman.

“May lugar na mainit, may lugar na malamig.
May lugar na masigla, minsan puro pait.
Kung saan-saan mapapadpad, madalas maliligaw
pero ang mahalaga, kung sa paglalakbay, ikaw ba’y may natutunan?”

Para kay Ulap

Gano’n pala ang pakiramdam na mahawakan ang kamay mo. Doble ang init, mas malambot, kaysa kapag hawak ko siya sa aking panaginip. 

Gano’n pala ang pakiramdam na ihilig ang ulo mo sa balikat ko. Sa wakas, sumandal ka na rin sa akin, iyon yata ang unang pagkakataon. 

Pinaghalong amoy alak at pawis, malagkit na pagtama ng mga braso gawa ng mahigit limang oras na paglalagi mo sa labas, at ang tibok ng puso kong nagsusumigaw, ngunit pinipigilan, dahil baka bigla kang lumayo kapag ito’y iyong marinig. 

Isang salita para mailarawan ko ang naramdaman ko kagabi: magulo. 

Iyan pa rin ang pakiramdam ko hanggang ngayon kahit na nagkaroon ng kaunting linaw, dahil sinagot mo naman ang ilan kong katanungan kahit na hindi buo at madetalye ang mga ito. Natuwa ako at naintindihan mo. O baka dahil iisa tayo ng naiisip? Nararamdaman? Hala. Heto na naman ako sa pag-iisip ng mga ganitong bagay, ayoko na nga.

Ayoko na.

Pero gusto ko pa.

Pero ayoko… pa.

Siguro hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon. At hindi ko alam kung may tamang panahon nga ba sa bagay na ito, sa atin. Tae. Sa atin? 

Hindi. Sa akin.

Sa akin ang mas tugmang salita.

Hahayaan ko na lang muna ang panahon na magdikta ng lahat.

091017

Daddy,

I feel sad tonight.
I just watched a good video about dads on youtube and thought of you. How are you there? Are you alright? Sorry for not visiting you and lola’s place very often. I miss you now the most.
I feel so empty. The work’s getting harder and harder, but I just entered the real world, I know. Now I also know how hard it is to earn a living. But I still wished you saw how happy I was when I got my first paycheck. It would really be very nice if I had the chance to treat you a dine out, anywhere and anything you want. You and mommy, with mama, and uh, the whole fam. okay.
Anyway, speaking of mommy. She’s getting finer, but she look a bit older than before. Her body is hetting smaller, her hair is showing more white hairs, and her skin are becoming rough due to aging. I thought I could see you both like that. I pictured the both of you sitting on your rocking chairs, and peacefully watching the sunset, or happily sharing stories you each experienced when you were younger. It would be perfect, right? But yeah, destiny is sometimes surprising, you’d never know what could happen later to one’s life.
Anyway, I don’t like what I’m feeling since the past few days. I’m bothered by something I shouldn’t even entertain in the first place. But again, how do you tell yourself what to feel, right?
Hays. I wish you’re here to slap me with your words or slap me literally to stop feeling like a girl. Lol joke. I know you won’t hurt me.
I’ll just see you again in my sleep, Daddy.
I love you always.
You are missed every day.

 

Change will come your way, but be aware

cats

As we grow old, we will notice some changes not just in our physical appearance, but also in terms of our emotional, psychological, and social aspects of life. There will be times that you will feel and think about everything at once, or nothing at all — like minding even the smallest matter and nonsense happenings, or just feeling numb over an important one. Eventually, you will notice these things slowly and later understand that it’s a part of the process of being a grown up.

However, there are chances that we won’t fully understand why some changes has to happen — even if we already knew that it’s for our benefit (well, it should be for the better, though). It’s just that some are hard to accept, and sad to realize. Especially when it comes in the aspect of our social life.

The relationship among our family, friends, and ourselves will be affected by these changes.

Because we’re in the process of adulting and our priorities, mindset, and beliefs are changing, we now take things more seriously. Ignorance are being replaced by awareness and familiarity, causing us to be wise about our every actions and be confident in the results; Decisions are being deeply thought-out, trusting and depending to others are being cloudy, and time is becoming more than a gold. This means that we only consume time for productivity, and also means that activities that doesn’t relate, benefit, and make us happy is in the lower list.

We will then find out that the chances to be with the people we were always with before is dropping, which might lead to losing them, one by one.

It’s okay though, it’s a good thing to be clever and allot more time to the things that we can gain at. But keep this in mind: people are changing too, and it’s not always a hundred percent assurance that they will still be there in the corner where we left them. They also need to move forward just like us, anyway. We’re only fortunate if we are all going in the same direction.

Because we’re changing, we’re becoming busy living the way we want, and only focusing on the things we aim. Hence, we often forget to spend time with our family and friends — even a “me” time, which is really important, is being neglected. We overlook that time is very valuable, and once it has passed, we can no longer go back to have it.

Thus, as much as possible, we must spare some of it, even a little time will do, to the activities that can improve not just ourselves, but also our relationship with the people around us.

Change is inevitable, that is a fact, and it can be caused by many factors. We just have to make sure that we’re changing for the best.

Currently: Entry 2

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Hooray for Weekends! Hello! So here I am, blogging again about my currently entry numbeeeer two! I have time to use Eys now because it’s weekend and I don’t have work. I think that’s one of the things I like about the company that I am working at, aside from the kind people, good trainers, nice ambiance, and advanced technology! I’m still a trainee tho,  I started last July 3. Hehe. I also can’t believe that I already spent a week in the office with some new people! Hooray! I survived the first week!

Uhm, I sometimes miss my college classmates, and subconsciously wishing that they’re the ones I am with. Hehe. But yeah, new people means new experiences & lessons, and that kinda excites me.

So anyway, I am here to blog my currently/ies (lol) so let’s start with what I’m…

R E A D I N G

Well, currently, sad to say, there’s none. But I am planning to read a book that a friend gave me as a compensation for a book cover I made for her. And yes, I still haven’t finished the first book I started last week. No time. Huhu

W R I T I N G

None, aside from this post.

L I S T E N I N G

The sound of the AC, and the keyboard. I miss the room and the time I was able to be in here the whole day, just typing my stories or whatsoever kechenelynhan.

W A T C H I N G

Again, nothing. However, I want to watch a horror movie in my HD, but sleeping seems better so I’ll sleep after I post this entry. Hahaha.

T H I N K I N G

What to do tomorrow, but I remember that a classmate would be here and she’s going for a sleepover because she’s going with me on Monday in the company. I’ll try to refer her to the HR for the same position as I am. Hehe. I hope she’ll pass the exam though.

H O P I N G

To finish the sketch / book that my friend and I planned to do before August come. But I doubt that I’ll come to draw the 1st illus completely. I’m barely moving with the plan huhu. But yeah, I’m hoping.

N E E D I N G

To be organized. A notebook for listing the things I should do first and for managing my time. Since I am working now, I have less time to think more about things I should be doing. I sleep immediately when I get home, and weekend is all I have to do task filtering.

W A N T I N G

To sleep already and take a rest. Haha. I also want to see my college friends. Really misses them a lot. I hope we could bond like before. I really want to see and be with them again. :(

F E E L I N G

I guess, sleepy? Though I feel a little bit bored and I don’t think I can sleep that fast.

That’s it. Seeing the picture that I use as a banner of this post (it’s me and my co-trainees), makes me miss my college friends more. Huhu. Are they missing me too? :(

By the way,  I also watched our AVPs and Short films in lunch time while eating and my urge to produce a short film awakens. Aaaaah I badly want to do Lucia, a Psychological Thriller story that I plan to continue writing, which my college friends and I originally created when we were still determined to do a short film before. But due to schedules and reasons, we’re not able to do it. I hope that one day, if time permits us to make it, I will be really, really happy.

 

 

Currently: Entry 1

currently chenelyn 1

I’m really not much into this “type” of blogging, but for the sake of updating this blog (how shame huhu, but really, I also want to share here things I am thinking / doing so…), let me just try this. Maybe I’ll be doing this frequently or if I have time, even weekdays too, so I didn’t make it like the usual “Saturday/Sunday Currently” that you see in other blogs. So, hello. Let’s start, I guess?

R E A D I N G

After months of being away from my bookshelf, I’m happy to found time to read again last week, and now currently reading “The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight” and “We Belong” (for editing) at the same time.  The first title of the book has been stored in my eBook reader for almost a year now, and since I need something to kill the time last week while processing my requirements for work, I decided to read it. As of now, I’m on chapter 2 and I’m looking forward to finish it next week.

W R I T I N G

Well, obviously this blog post? Haha. Currently (re)writing also We Belong. And… nothing follows. lol.

L I S T E N I N G

to my niece and nephews reaction to a movie that’s in the television.

W A T C H I N G

Dawn of the Dead. Another zombie movie that really doesn’t thrill me. Seryoso, gusto ko na patayin yung TV kaso mga pamangkin ko, nakatutok. lol.

T H I N K I N G

About how should I spend this day wisely, what should I do that is productive, what else I am going to put on this blog, and many things regarding about my relationship status with my friends, etc. etc.

H O P I N G

For the better future. Hahaha. Kidding. Well now, I’m currently hoping for everything to go smoothly according to what’s planned. I’ll be entering new world now, as an employee, and I’m scared for what might come. Hahaha. I’m always a shitty, scaredy, introvert person, and yeah, I’m hoping to change for the better.

N E E D I N G

More time, and much more time to do my personal matters that surely I won’t be able to do for the following days, because I know I’m going to be busy at work. (and that thought makes me happy, no to bum life anymore!)

W A N T I N G

To see and talk to a friend. Really misses her a lot.

F E E L I N G

A little bit of lazy today, but more excited for Monday! Aaaah, I already feel the butterflies that has been stucked here for ages. Hehehe.

So there, I think that’s all? What a bore right? Lol. Maybe later I’ll watch a movie again, or a tutorial in Adobe Illustrator. Honestly, I learned how to use that software on the day of the technical examination itself for the position I am applying. I am amazed by myself. lol. Well, they have the same feature as Adobe Photoshop so that what makes it easier for me to explore the workspace.

So again, I guess I’ll be back some other time. Ciao Worpy!

… and hey! It’ July 1st! ♥

Best,

Rizza Maruja

 

The wall that can’t be seen, but felt.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and emotionally sad while writing this. But there’s this feeling that says I should write everything in my mind, so here it is.

Sigh.

To the person that I will forever cherish,

I know I should be happy for you, because finally (not sooner, but possibly soon), there will be a person who will reciprocate your effort and feelings. A person who will take care of you, who will hold your hand anytime, and who will, for the first time,  save you from your nightmares and frustrations — all of these which I can not do.

I wanted to say I’m sorry for not being able to return everything that you gave; for not taking the same steps that you took; for not looking at your direction. I wanted to say I’m sorry, for not holding your hands when you needed warmth, for not hugging you tight when I had the chance, and for not saying things that will lessen your burden.

I wanted to say I’m sorry, for taking things for granted — for taking you for granted — and for not realizing sooner what’s behind your every actions and comforting words.

I wanted to say I’m sorry, for taking much of your time, and because of that, you had less for yourself.

And I’m sorry, for feeling selfish right now.

I know soon, you’ll have someone aside from me. And as your dear friend, my role is to be happy for you, but now… I can’t help but to feel so sad upon hearing and reading your happy thoughts regarding that matter. I am asking myself why. Was it the fact that sooner, I’ll be forgotten again? Or the fact the sooner, I won’t be needed by you anymore?

Or maybe I was just saddened by the thought that you and me won’t have the time, moment, and chances like we had before?

I don’t know.

I’m not sure why.

But regardless of whatever this is, if ever you need someone, I’m just here.

I’ll still be here.

The ending that is hard to take.

A new journey has ended for us, but the process of learning will never ever stop. 

Yesterday is one of the most important days for me, and I am truly grateful that I was able to celebrate it with the love(s) of my life. I am happy to be finally stepping out my college life and now re-entering the real world again. It scares me, though, because I know it won’t be as easy as the last time. But yeah, I’ll just follow the road I plan to take. This time… I will pursue the things I want to do and follow the dreams I once made when I was younger.

But somehow, the thought of not being with my friends / classmates that I consider as a family in the following days saddens me. I was used to waking up in the morning with the idea of seeing them later on inside or outside the campus for almost every day. Then now, we will be on our own, and will be waking up every morning to find each purpose in life separately. Hay. Time flies really fast. But this is the reality… The ending that is hard to take for me — the part of separating ways.

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I never knew that they would be this special to me. But now, they’ve brought so much memories to keep. Even though some of us didn’t make it to the end, and even though some of us decided to just let go of their dreams of finishing college and left early to find something worthy, they’d been a part of the group that I will treasure forever.

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I will miss the exchange of corni jokes and nonsense stories, and playing uno cards during our break time.

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I will miss the looong walk under the hottest days that we always do when we’re bored… and also because we don’t have enough money to take jeepneys / trike just to reach the places we would like to go. Haha.

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I will miss the unexpected vacation and journey to some places we’re not familiar with.

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I will miss the late night shoots for our avps & short films, and the staying up all night for video editing.

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I will miss the tambay moments in the nearest mall, the movie marathons, the overnights with smooth and sincere talks, the misunderstandings too… every thing.

They made me feel better just by being with them. It’s like I am with the people who truly understands me and my views in life. They’ve been a part of my improvement… and they’ve become more than a family.

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They are home. 

Clingy as it may seem, but I miss them already. I just hope nobody forgets.

Because I will never ever forget them.

Sana…

“Kaya nung sinabi niya na gusto ka niya, nainis ako kasi bakit parang gano’n na lang kadali ang umamin? Sana kinaibigan ka muna niya.. Sana nakita niya muna yung mga nakita ko. Sana may ginawa muna siya para sa’yo. Ang dami kong sana…”

Sana kaya ko rin ibalik lahat, lahat – hindi lang mga ginawa mo, kundi maging ang nararamdaman mo. Pero sorry kaibigan, hindi ko talaga kaya.

Sana normal na lang yung gano’n. Yung kahit maibalik ko yung kung anong ibinibigay mo, walang magagalit, walang magsasabing mali. Pero kasi, kahit naman na pilitin kong gawing tama, ay hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya.

Sana pwede kong pawiin lahat nung sakit, o kaya kabiguan mo sa pag-iisip na hindi ka magiging masaya sa gano’ng bagay. Pero kahit na sabihin kong someday ay may darating na gagawa nang mga iyan, ay alam kong hindi ka pa rin lubos na magiging masaya dahil sa hinahawakan mong paniniwala.

Masakit malaman na gano’n pala talaga, but at the same time, masaya. Dahil alam kong may isang taong walang ibang gugustuhin kundi ang nakabubuti para sa akin. Sa kabilang banda, nakakalungkot… kasi gusto ko ikaw rin maging masaya. Gaya ng kagustuhan mong maging masaya ako.

Salamat. Salamat sa lahat. Gusto kong maiyak. Nakalulungkot.

Nakakadisappoint din, dahil all this time, buong akala ko ay ibang tao. Narinig ko pa nga ang mga hinaing mo, binigyan pa nga kita ng mga advise, tapos malalaman ko na ang totoo, ako pala talaga iyon at hindi ang pangalang nabanggit mo. Dapat noong tinanong kita kung sino, ay sinabi mo na ang katotohanan.

Sana tama ang naaiisip ko… na product lang lahat ng utak mo. Na iniisip mo lang na mayroon kang naramdaman – nararamdaman – ewan.

Sana hindi ko na lang pala nalaman.