Meh.

I’ve been staring at my laptop’s screen for more than thirty minutes now, (and now an hour has passed, just to finish this post) trying to find the right words on how I should explain what I feel.

Empty? No. I know I feel something.
Bothered? Maybe? But to what?
Tired? Exhausted? Burnout? Anxious? Yes? But definitely not depressed.

I’ve been repressing my thoughts and emotions these past few months, hoping that if I don’t entertain them, they would stop. But I was wrong. And now it grew this much.

People who really knew me knows how much I love to write or talk to them about anything. Especially what I’m feeling. But now even that, I find too tiring. I don’t know why though. Parang nagsawa na ako. 

I haven’t been able to write also, or talk to a friend at least. One of the reasons is we are all busy. I am very busy. Wala akong time makadama ng kahit na ano, wala akong time gumawa ng kahit na ano. But at night when I’m travelling home, or when I’m about to sleep, my chest feels heavy. I suddenly want to cry, or scream, or just dance, or throw everything my hand could hold. Ang gulo diba? Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo.

Even though I am able to do a lot at work, and finish all the jobs that are assigned to me, it seems that it’s still not enough; that I don’t achieve anything; that my life’s still stagnant. Walang fulfillment. Walang development. Wala pa rin kahit na parang ang dami mo nang nagawa.

Maybe I’m just tired — sa work (???). Or maybe there’s nothing new anymore. Everything just became a routine. I’ll wake up at 3am, go to work at 5, be at the office before 7, will render at least 4 hours of overtime, will go home. Sleep for 5 hours, lucky if I get home early and there’s no traffic. Repeat the cycle. Every. Boring. Day.

But.

I’m still thankful that I am able to experience this. Means I’m still alive yeah?

But again.

UGH I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe I’ll just sleep.

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Summer Escapade(s) : Calayo Beach, Canyon Cove

Holla! How are you pips? As for me, I’m doing fine. I chose to be, because you know, sometimes shit happens in life and that’s natural. You just need to be strong and wise enough to handle them. lol.

Ayway, I miss blogging and the days when I can still have some time writing in my room about my day, even though it seemed nonsense. So now, I’d just like to share some photographs I took during my summer escapades this month. We went to Nasugbu, Batangas (Calayo Island and Canyon Cove) last May 20, and May 26. It’s a family outing and a company outing.

The first outing was unplanned. I was supposed to be meeting a friend that day, but had to cancel it (I hate cancelling plans tho huhu) just to join the family outing. But glad I did ’cause it’s much fun spending the day with the people you’re really comfortable being with.

IMG_8876We didn’t check-in in a resort, we just rented a nipa hut along the shore, owned by a relative. You can also rent some tent to spend the night! I just wished we could, but sad that we had to go home that day too. (we got stuck in  traffic along Cavite for four fcking-long hours!!! We got home at 12 midnight, can you believe that??!)

IMG_8755IMG_8798Hello to my sister and I’s feet (and huge legs!!! he he he)IMG_8756IMG_8801IMG_8828One of the things I like in this place is the fine sand! If you’ll compare this to other beaches, the sand is not that white, but it’s one of the finest I’ve seen! Other beaches have rocks and seashells that can hurt your feet, but the sand in this place don’t have much so it’s okay to walk even though you don’t have slippers or any protection for your feet. You just have to endure the heat tho. Hehehe.

IMG_8852See, how awesome it could be to spend the night facing the shore. Ahhh, I wanna go back here again and do bonfire!

IMG_8833I’m amazed that the beach is just on the other side of the road to the people living there! I am jealous that they could go whenever they wanted anytime!!! Huhu.

IMG_8827The sea water, let’s now talk about the sea water: It’s really salty!!! I know it’s natural to be that salty, but I think it’s a bit more? But it’s okay. Though it was too hot that day, the water is colder than I expected. That’s why it’s okay to be swimming under the heat of the sun! Mehehe.

If I’m going to rate this beach experience, I’ll give it 4/5 stars!

And now, I’m going to talk about my Canyon Cove experience. The place is a beauty. The pools are big, but I really didn’t enjoy the sea and the sand. It has rocks and shells that made hard for me to walk barefeet. Lts of seaweed are also present in the sea water, and it made me scared to go further. I’m afraid that I might step onto something. Hehe. But it still good!

IMG_8912The first word that came into my mind is beautiful upon arriving. All of the exhausting feeling suddenly vanished due to the comforting vibe the resort have. The architectural view is satisfying.

IMG_8914I didn’t get the chance to swim and enjoy longer in the water because our time is limited only. Mas mahaba pa nga yung time ng biyahe, seryoso. The sun is also in its maximum that day and it’s very extra-extremely-very hot!!!!

IMG_8924IMG_8921IMG_20180526_093708I enjoyed the team building activities tho. I was able to talk to my other co-workers that I am not talking to in the office. I’m still that awkward girl in the corner, you know. I really prefer to be alone now. I realized that sometimes, we just need solitude to grow. But there are times that it’s also fun to be with new people and… environment. Honestly, these past few days inside the company is too toxic, but well, we must endure everything to survive.

PicsArt_05-27-01.15.13Anyyyway, I also want to go back here with my family. Maybe after a year? Hehe. My rating to this experience would be 3.8/5

So that’s the highlight of my May! I thought my summer would be all boring and will only revolve around home and office, but it is not!

I’m excited for June and July tho. I already have plans to look forward too. I just hope nothing will happen to jeopardize everything.

Nang magadbentyur ang lampa — First hike: Mt. Masungki

I couldn’t think of any title for this post plus feeling ko ‘yan ang mas appropriate para rito, and I admit na lampa naman talaga ako, so ayun. Siguro, ito na rin ang gagamitin ko sa mga susunod kong adbentyur. ;)

Anyway, our original plan was to climb Nagpatong Rock, pero sabi ng tour guide namin, named kuya Edward, mas okay raw na unahin namin ang Mt. Masungki para ‘pag uuwi na, tuloy tuloy na yung daan papunta sa Nagpatong. We really have no idea na sobrang hardcore (for beginners) na pala nung Mt. Masungki at akala namin simpleng akyat lang talaga. Kaya nag ‘G’ kami. Yun pala, nag tindi. Tipong ‘di na namin kakayanin mag-isa pang bundok after. Mehehe. Hindi rin naman pala alam ng tour guide namin na first timers kami. Hahaha!

Wala akong docu kung gaano kahaba ang binaybay ng trike namin papunta sa Brgy. Cuyambay, but swear, sobrang layo. It’s not my first time going to Tanay, pero ang layo pala talaga nung Brgy. Cuyambay. Nadaanan pa nga namin ang Sierra Madre resort e. But ayun, going back to Brgy. Cuyambay, nagpunta muna kami sa Tourism office nila para magparegister. Good catch na rin na nag-trike kami from Tanay hanggang sa Brgy. Cuyambay kahit na mas mahal. 500php ang binayad namin sa trike, but kung magjejeep ka from Tanay hanggang Sampaloc, 28php ang fair then 50php per head sa trike papuntang rgy. Cuyambay. Mas maganda talaga kung meron kayong sasakyan. Less hassle.

Moving forward, 100php ang registration per person ng 500php for the tour guide. Minimum members ay 5 per group, but since anim kami at pinayagan naman, mas maliit ang hatian.

IMG_5204Here’s Nica and me. Kami na lang yung dinala ni Kuyang Trike Driver para magparegister sa toursim office ng Brgy. Cuyambay kasi matarik yung dadaanan.

IMG_5205

From left to right, Shine, Steve, Rona, Kuya Jhen, Me, Kuya Edward (our tour guide) and Nica in front.

IMG_5296It was exciting and fun at first kasi hindi mo pa dama ang pagod, pero kapag tumatagal, pahirap na ng pahirap. Nahilo pa nga ako, at legit na nanikip ang dibdib ko, wala pa kami sa kalagitnaan kaya naman binuhat na ng kasama ko ang aking bag. Super thankful talaga na ang babait nila at inaalalayaan ako palagi. The best talaga ang mga boys ng BFA batch 2017! Huhu. Feeling ko nga super pabigat ako sa kanila kasi napapabagal ang akyat namin dahil sa akin.

IMG_5301May mga nadaanan kaming iba pang bundok, pero wala siyang OL at part talaga siya ng way papunta sa Mt. Masungki.

IMG_5306May major stop over sa Mt. Ikmo, bale may tables do’n and mini tindahan. Ang cool nga ng mga signages, sayang hindi ko napicture-an. Nung una hindi ko maintindihan kasi akala ko yun yung tawag sa kanila like, kunwari, may isang sinkhole kaming nadaanan, then may nakalagay do’n “SING CHOLE”. Akala ko yun yung name nung butas, hindi pala. Narealize ko na lang nung nakakita pa ako ng isa pang signage, sabi “COME SIGHT” tas may kubo dun. “CAMP SITE” pala ang ibig sabihin. Mehehe.

20180331_100207.jpgMahaba-habang akyat din yung nangyari, siguro inabot ng 3hrs? Kasi patigil-tigil kami gawa nga sa akin. Nadudulas ako tas nasusubsob, then hinihingal pa. Hindi naman kasi ako pala-labas at taong kwarto lang talaga ako plus, lampa nga kasi talaga kaya ayon. I feel bad lang kasi parang ang laki kong sagabal talaga e. Hahaha!

But ayun, despite of the pauses and breaks that we had to take para lang makahabol ako, nakaakyat naman kami sa itaas.

Friends, I must say hindi madali. Lalo na for me dahil I am scared of heights. Umiiyak ako habang tinatawid yung isang bato pappunta sa isa pang bato para maakyat namin yung tuktok ng Masungki. Mabuti na lang talaga inaalalayan ako ng mga kasama kong lalaki. Nahiya nga ako e, yung girl friend nung isa hindi niya naalalayan kasi ako yung inaalalayan. :(

20180331_100434.jpgThe view was breathtaking. Hindi ko nakunan yung iba pang side kasi lulang-lula na ako. Pakiramdam ko hinahatak ako ng gravity pababa e.

Syempre, dahil successful namin naiakyat ang Mt. Masungki, ‘di pwedeng walang pictures. Ang cool nga ng tour guide namin kasi ang ganda ng mga shots niya!

IMG_5392IMG_5395IMG_5402IMG_5507Hindi ko akalain na makakaakyat ako sa ganito. I am so proud of myself, really. Iniyakan ko itong akyat na ito kasi hindi talaga ako dapat papayagan, at ayun, umiyak din ako while climbing, pero worth it lahat ng tears! Nakailang “Thank you Lord” din ako habang tinatahak ang bundok na ito e.

IMG_5515Ang dungis ko, sobra. Ako ang pinakamadungis sa amin gawa ng ako ang pinaka maraming subsob at dulas. Hahaha! And now, super sakit ng katawan ko. I can’t even sit without feeling pained. Huhu.

But wait! There are three things that I realized sa akyat na ito and I just want to include them in this post:

  1. Mahal ko pala talaga ang buhay ko. It’s true that you’ll do everything to survive — you’ll forget your fears, you’ll neglect the pain, and you’ll do whatever it takes just to survive.
  2. In every pain and hardship comes happiness and ease. Nakakapagod, oo. Sumakit buong katawan ko, oo. Nadulas ako, nasubsob ako, nagasgasan ako, nagkaroon ako ng pasa, at naiyak ako kasi ang hirap, oo, pero masaya. Worth it lahat sa dulo lalo na nung nasa taas na, especially nung nakababa na not just nakaya namin, but because safe kaming lahat nakababa. Hahaha!
  3. Difficult situation makes a lot easier if you’re with the right people. Hindi lang sa akyat na ito, kasi totoo naman ‘di ba? Dumadali ang isang bagay kung tamang tao ang mga kasama mong gumawa nito. Sometimes, they become your motivation too, or inspiration para ipagpatuloy yung ginagawa mo.

So yeaaaah, I’ll look forward sa next kong adbentyur. Sobrang nag-enjoy ako rito kahit ngayon I feel like baldado. Nawala rin lahat ng iniisip ko, at pumalit lang kung paano ako makakauwi ng buhay e! Hahaha! I’ll look forward sa next kong adbentyur, and I hope sila pa rin ang kasama ko. ;)

P.S. almost of the photos were grabbed from Nica. ^_^

ang gago ng buhay

ang hindi ko maintindihan, bakit kailangan ikumpara mo yung buhay mo sa buhay ko? kailangan ba maranasan ko rin yung naranasan mo? na porque hindi ka nagpakasaya noon, hindi na rin kami pwedeng magpakasaya ngayon? dahil hindi mo naranasan, kailangan hindi rin namin maranasan? bakit kailangan pigilan mo ako sa mga gusto kong gawin?

ang dami dami kong naiisip, ang dami dami kong nararamdaman, pero hindi ko masabi sa’yo kasi ganyan, hindi mo maiintindihan. gusto mo ikaw lagi ang tama — kapag ayaw mo, ayaw mo. kapag gusto mo, dapat iyon mangyayari. alam kong nag-aalala ka, gusto mo yung nakabubuti sa amin, pero paano kung hindi naman iyon yung gusto ko? paano kung iba yung gusto kong gawin? paano kung gusto ko yung sumusubok?

bakit kailangan isumbat mo ang mga nagawa mo para gawin din namin? bakit hindi mo kayang sumuporta lang? hindi ba obligasyon nyo naman iyon? bakit kailangan niyong sabihin ng paulit ulit na parang hindi kami naging thankful sa ginawa niyo? bakit kailangan iparamdam mo na ako ang pinakamasamang anak sa buong mundo? bakit?

ang gago, gago ng life.

i lik–$?2(*!;”@@ u too ???

i like the way you act
and your shyness that i see.
i like the sound of your voice
and your laugh that’s so deep.
i like the bags under your eyes,
most specially when you smile.
and of course, your eyes
when they’re looking into mine.

i like it even though you forget
some details about me,
and when you try to remember
the things you don’t know about yet.
i like it even though i think
you will also disappear.
and soon you’ll run away,
and will leave me like they did.

~ r.m.

Sana…

Masaya ang lahat na nagsisiawit ng maligayang kaarawan. Puno rin ang lamesa ng mga pagkaing paborito niya, ngunit ang kaniyang mga mata’y hindi gano’n kasabik gaya ng dati. Kung babalikan at titignan ang mga ngiti sa kung saan kapiling pa nito ang kaniyang mahal, ay ibang-iba sa makikita ngayon.

Isang taon na naman ang nadagdag sa kaniyang edad. Katumbas nito ang ‘di mabilang na pagrami ng kaniyang puting buhok, ‘di mapigilang paglabas ng mga linya at kulubot sa kaniyang balat, at ang natural na pagbaluktot ng kaniyang likod. Katumbas din ng isang taon na ito ang mga karanasang naging dagdag sa kaniyang pagkatao, at ang marami pang karanasan na maaaaring dumating sa kanya hanggang sa madagdagan na naman siya ng panibagong taon.

Ngumiti siya at nagpasalamat nang matapos ang lahat sa pag-awit. Doon niya hinipan ang isang kandila na nasa gitna ng paborito niyang tsokolet keyk, at pagkatapos ay nagsipalakpakan ang lahat.

Muli, tumingin siya at ngumiti sa mga taong nakapalibot sa kanya. Ang kaniyang mga anak, mga pamangkin, mga apo. Ang kaniyang buong pamilya. At kahit hindi sinasadya, hinanap na naman niya ang isang ngiti na palagi niyang inaabangan tuwing matatapos niyang hipan ang kandila — isang ngiti na dalawang taon na niyang hindi nasisilayan.

Nagsikainan ang lahat pagkatapos, at buong araw silang nagsaya upang ipagdiwang ang kaniyang kaarawan.

Masaya.

Masaya siya.

Subalit pagkatapos ng araw, kapag muling mananahimik ang buong paligid, uupo siya sa kaniyang paboritong tumba-tumba, at ngingiti sa kaniyang sarili.

Masaya.

Masaya siya.

Pero kaniyang iisipin…

“Sana nandito ka pa.”

Ilang “thoughts” at kadramahan

March na, and time is really passing by so fast! Dahil wala akong magawa at naisipan kong mag-stay lang sa bahay today, I decided to compile some of my “thoughts” entries ko sa “notes” ng aking phone here, in case, magloko ng tuluyan ang aking phone.

Whenever I’m alone, or while on the way to office, I think of some things and ideas that really matter to me. Nakakatawang basahin yung iba, becasue sobrang negative at talagang makikita mong nasa down moments ako, but the other notes seemed okay, and very uplifting. I suddenly realized na ang dami ko na palang nare-realize, and then kapag bumabalik ulit ako sa down state, nalilimutan ko yung mga na-realize ko na. It’s really true that we always learn something from our experiences, but eventually, kapag may nakapagpadown ulit sa atin ten times of the previous, nalilimutan natin yung mga lesson na nakuha natin do’n.

Well, I just like to share to this blog some of my thoughts, starting from July last year. Some of them, you may find so random, and uhm, i guess a bit odd. I’ll also try to remember the exact feeling and the reason why I wrote that.

“July 11, 2017

The one person who you always thought would be there in your up and down moments will slowly fade and drift away. I guess this is a part of being a fully-grown adult, from which an aspect of your life is eventually narrowing, where letting people go and them leaving you would just become normal. In the end you don’t have a choice, but to comprehend and accept the fact that people are not meant to stay.”

Well, uh, in this thought, I think I was experiencing an extreme separation anxiety from the people I used to be with before graduation. I must say now, hindi pala dapat “narrowing” yung term ko. I should have used the term “expanding/broadening” kasi lumalawak yung pangunawa mo. I guess what I meant in “narrowing” is nababawasan ang mga tao sa buhay mo, but that’s okay, kasi ang matitira na lang ay yung mga kailangan mo at kailangan ka.

“July 25, 2017

One factor why we are hurting is because we assume for things that doesn’t really exist – a feeling, an attention, a romantic relationship that’s actually sympathetic.

Sometimes, we only make our own heartaches.”

Oh well, things were really confusing before and people are making it more complicated. I was torn between two people I had feelings with.

“August 11, 2017

How is it illogical to compare your interest in buying books to your interest of getting inked? Pareho mo silang desire, kaya same-same lang. Iyon iyon. Whether it’s not for investment, it’s for yourself naman. You’re fulfilling your satisfaction. Bakit kailangan lahat ng gagawin mo nakabubuti sa ekonomiya?”

Oh, I remember this. My brother and I were arguing about his partner getting inked. He got mad because his partner got a tattoo, and I said that’s okay, let his partner do whatever his partner wants. I compared it to someone’s interest to buy books that that someone really wanted. Sabi ko, ‘di ba kapag gustong gusto mo, bibilhin mo? And you’ll be happy kapag nabili mo na. Then he said, it’s different. Kasi yung books, pwede mong maging investment, may makukuha kang knowledge na pwede mo i-share sa iba. Sa pagta-tattoo daw wala, mag-aaksaya ka lang ng pera. He didn’t get my point. What I’m saying is, yung “joy/happiness” na makukuha mo kapag nagawa mo yung gusto mo / nabili mo yung gusto mo. I was really mad kasi hindi siya nagpapatalo, pinasok pa niya ang politika. Syempre, ang ending, siya na ang may last say kasi wala na akong masasabi kapag may usaping politika na. But in the end naman, wala siyang nagawa kundi tanggapin na may tattoo na yung artner niya e. Mehehe.

“August 17, 2017

blank mind, occupied feelings

tho it weigh to much, i feel like flying.

am i just confused? i don’t know

nothing is having sense now.”

Ah, the moment when I was having a hard time thinking if I should be continuing what I started. I really wanted to do something else, pero hindi ko alam paano ako magsisimula at kung ano ang mangyayari if ever itigil ko man ang ginagawa ko — work related. Hahaha

“August 5, 2017

For  a moment she thought

everything is real.

In that fleeting time it brought

too many feels.

She refused to get hurt

that’s why she’s stopping (trying to)

Though it all seemed to blur

her hope’s still knocking (even if she doesn’t want it to)”

Love. Let us all blame it to love. Hahaha! But I guess, hindi pa naman siguro “love” yung nafefeel ko no’n. Lonely lang siguro ako, at, longing.

“August 20, 2017

Naniniwala pa rin ako sa sinasabi nilang bumabalik ang pagmamahal.”

Hindi ito yung buong entry, but this is the whole thought. Ewan, ang drama ko nito. Na-realize ko na kahit ilang beses akong balewalain, I’ll still be that same person na pwede mong puntahan uli to be a friend, kahit ilang beses mo pang iwanan para sa iba. Kasi naniniwala ako, na kapag ako naman yung umalis, mayroon pa ring tatanggap sa akin.

“September 13, 2017

Bakit nga ba tayo nananatili at umaasang lahat ng ginagawa natin sa iba ay babalik? Malasakit pa rin ba ang tawag do’n o pagmamahal kung iyon ang nasa isip natin?”

See. Wala pang isang buwan, kinontra ko na agad ang sinabi ko sa last note. Ang funny talaga ng mind natin mag-create ng iisipin just because sa pangyayari.

“November 12, 2017

Isang salop ng pagdududa

Ga-kutsritang pag-asa

Mala-dagat na kaba,

ang lumulunod sa kaniya.

Tatlong dipa sa pagkakamali,

matinding takot na ‘di maikukubli

Milyong kilometrong layo sa tagumay

at mga paang pagal na sa paghakbang.”

I think things went well for a month, kasi wala akong thoughts nung October. But of course, may mga point pa rin talaga sa life natin na magiging down tayo ulit, at magdududa tayo ulit, at manghihina tayo ulit. Tapos magiging okay, and then babalik sa hindi pagiging okay. Ang hirap pala talagang ma-achieve ang stable na mindset.

“December 22, 2017

Pwede pa rin pala ‘yon. you can still love a person even though wala na kayong label. You can still care for a person, and you still have the rights to be concerned kahit wala ka ng papel sa buhay niya. 

Free naman kasing makaramdam ng love e.”

I can’t exactly remember why I wrote this. I think because I got a chance to see an old friend and we were talking about her ex? Hahaha!

“December 27, 2017

Bakit ba napakahirap na maging totoo sa nararamdaman? Yung tipong gusto mong humindi, pero dahil iniisip mo ang magiging epekto nito sa taong hihindian mo ay mapapa-oo ka na lang. Kompromiso. Palagi kang nakokompromiso. Ikaw palagi ang nag-aadjust sa sitwasyon. At kahit ikaw na mismo ang nahihirapan ay gagawin mo pa rin, kahit hindi talaga okay sa’yo. Pagpapakaplastik ba ‘yon? O pagmamalasakit? Pagpapakamartir ba ‘yon? O pagmamahal? Nakakalito. Minsan masarap na lang magsawalambahala ng lahat e.”

Confused na naman ako nung time na ito. I couldn’t recognize which is which anymore. At hindi ko matandaan bakit ako nagda-drama. Ito yata yung time na… merong bumalik? And I’m not sure kung gusto kong tanggapin ulit. But because iniisip ko ang mararamdaman niya, tinanggap ko uli.

“January 17, 2018

Tao lang ako, magkakamali ako. Pero kahit anong mangyari, desisiyon ko ito.

Yah. That’s the best that I’ve heard this day. Totoo. Sa bawat pagkakamali, bawat sakit, bawat pagkakadapa, desisiyon natin ‘yon. Tayo ang may gawa no’n. At tayo ang mag-e-earn ng lessons sa mga nangyari. And that’s good. :)”

I was listening to a radio show. Yung scenario ata is, pinagbabawalan nung kuya yung kapatid niya na mag boyfriend. Silang dalawa na lang kasi. Then si kapatid ayaw ng magpadikta at gusto ng sundin ang puso. Hindi ko nalaman ang ending, kasi kailangan ko ng bumaba ng uv. But yung line na ‘yan ang tumatak sa akin.

“January 27, 2018

littered —

just like pieces of paper,

all dusty, all crumpled;

a forgotten coin in a losr waallet,

and a rusty tin can in a bucket.

this thing i don’t understand

it makes me lost, oh my mind.

do i have a place in anyone’s heart?

coz i cannot find in mine.”

See how my mood in just 10 days can change. Hahaha! From being positive again to becoming negative. Is it natural?

“February 6, 2018

It’s all in  my head. Everything that I thought and feel is in my head. All produced by my mind. Kaya ako nasasaktan, kaya ako nafu-frustrate. it’s because iniisip kong nasasaktan at nafu-frustrate ako. Dapat kung nasasaktan ako, I should try healing myself. If nafu-frustrate ako, I should try harder, or do something to not feel frustrated. It’s me. Ako lang talaga ang problema. I complicate things and I hate it.”

Obviously, I’m trying to lift up myself. Kinakain na kasi ako ng mga iniisip ko. Nireremind ko ang sarili ko na hindi naman magulo, ako lang ang nagpapagulo. At kung magulo, dapat kayanin kong ayusin, dapat kong ayusin.

But the next days, I still feel down. Ayaw kong pumasok no’n, pero wala akong choice kundi pumasok at gawin ang mga dapat kong gawin.

“February 16, 2018

Dear old self,

I don’t know if you’ll be disappointed or proud of what you have become now, but I hope you won’t stop achieving greater things in life. 

Things might be difficult for you in the days to come, but I swear, it will all be fine one day. I hope by then, you could make up your mind and follow the path you would really like to take in the first place. I hope you would not let the opportunity to just sit there, and eventually fade in time. I hope you cam really do the things you love, and I hope you would not give up on reaching them one by one.

And oh, please do take care and prepare yourself for there will be many heartbreaks on the road.”

Again, exactly 10 days, I decided to write to my old self, in a parallel universe, just in case she really exists. and just in case she still have the chance to change anything. I’m not saying that I want to change everything, and that I regret the things I did. But I wish, she will have the courage to do and take things I couldn’t before.

“February 20, 2018

She was the tough one

a rock that blocks the waves

the bamboo on a stormy day

the little child who’s still awake in the middle of the night.

it’s okay, that’s what she always says

because she knew that everything fades

she knew how to act in different stages

but about everything, she didn’t knew.

She was the tough one.

though one day, she’s not anymore.

she wanted to cry for help, just once

however, her voice seemed to run out.”

Re-reading all of the notes tell me that moods, emotions, and feelings are all temporary. one day, you’re feeling okay, then the next, you’re not. But at the end of it, it’s how you manage is what’s important.

Ang dami ko pang thoughts entries, pero hindi ko na sinama yung iba. Tungkol lang naman yun sa nagdududa kong nararamdaman sa isang tao. Mapanlinlang ang damdamin, friends.

Lady Bird: Movie Review

At first I thought it was just another film about religion, with a rebel high school teenager as a protagonist who goes to a catholic school and is way too hard-headed to obey her parents, especially her mother, BUT it was not JUST about that. Well, it’s a bit cliche (with a glyph at the e): an average teenage girl who wants to experience everything — luxury, love, belongingness — but this movie has something unique everyone can relate to. And oh, this film’s a bit musical too.

ladybirdposterWell, the very first reason why I watched this movie is because of the main character: Saoirse Ronan aka Christine “Lady Bird” McPherson in the movie. I learned the film from, of course, researching about her upcoming movies, and patiently waited for it.

lady bird

I was so curious about the title. I thought it was just because it’s the “name” Christine wanted for herself, but looking back to a children song which goes “Lady bird, lady bird, fly away home”, it makes sense. And I think this is the perfect title for this movie. I don’t want to explain further, because it will create “spoilers” lol. You go watch it by yourself.

One of the things that I liked about this movie, is the way it deliver the feelings to the watchers. Kudos to the actors, they did a great job, and of course to the Director, Ms. Greta Gerwig, for creating such a masterpiece. The cinematography too is good! The scenes are kinda “indie-like” but not much because it also creates “mainstream” vibes. And oh, what makes it cool is the movie was set in 2002.

ladybird2

It tackles about the love of a family, the love for a friend, the love that you have for yourself — I love the moment Lady Bird realized she don’t need the people in the limelight to also be recognized, and the moment she accepted Danny’s (Lucas Hedges) apology and promised she would keep his secret safe — and the love for what you have.

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I can also relate and can see myself to Lady Bird. I also loved to join theatres, I also wanted to go to a prestigious art school in college, I was also an average, I also longed for luxurious stuff, and got envious to the people who can afford something more than what I have. You know, typical teenager. But I love her characteristic. How impulsive she is (Lady Bird) when mad, and also soft and apologetic when she realized she was wrong. The swirling throw of emotions made me want to watch more.

The portrayal of characters are good. Julie (Beanie Feldstein), her best friend, is one of my favorite. She’s the kind of people who always accept you back even though you already walk away from her.

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I also love the clashing but complementing character of Lady bird and her mother. Watching her (Laurie Metcalf), she portrays a very strong, prideful but deep inside, warm and understanding personality of a mother who will do everything for her child’s happiness and good future.

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I cried watching this. There are too many scenes that I did relate to. I can say that this movie was the most satisfying (because for a fact that I did relate to this), yet a bit frustrating (I believe it has an open ending) film that I watched so far this 2018.

All in all, if there are 5 stars in front of me now and I have to color them yellow, I will draw another one beside the last star. Hehehe.

I am excited to the other movies Ronan will be starring. Gonna look forward for moooooore!

 

 

2017 Summary

It’s 2018 already, yet I haven’t posted anything here since I became busy with adulting. How I wish I could go back to my high school or college days (minus the pressuring part and all), but yeah, everything is a process, I know I’ll get by soon.

Well, I thought about blogging the summary of my 2017, but I couldn’t managed to just list the highlights and compress everything in bullets. So I made it by months. Let’s start!

January

Went to Lucban, Quezon to join the Regional Higher Education Press Conference for the last time. Looking back, it’s a happy and sad memory for me. I still couldn’t believe that it would be my last time joining contests as a representative of our school publication. I’m happy that I experienced everything with my co-editors and staff, and sad because most of us were candidates for graduation, and we will soon leave the school.

February

There were so many things to remember in this month. First was our final defense. I couldn’t forget the feeling and emotions it brought us, especially to me. I was really pressured to the point that I couldn’t sleep a day before our defense, and I almost cried (I think I really cried) after because I felt that I didn’t do my best during our research. But there’s nothing to regret about. Just like my friend is always saying, it is your best that time. Second was the music video making. It’s really not about the ‘we need to win this’, it’s about the bond that we shared and made during the making of that music video. (Now I’m missing the people I always share ideas with when creating short films huhu). Third was, of course, going to Palawan. Since I got 4th place during the RHEPC, I also got the privilege to join the Luzonwide Higher Education Press Conference!

March

Hardbound days. Requirements week. Hell month. Lol. Just kidding. Too many emotions this month brought me. Excitement, fear, nervousness, exhaustion… etc. But my favorite was the pictorial for graduation and the hardbound part of our thesis!!!

April

Obviously, my favorite is the graduation. I think this is the most beautiful moment that happened to me in 2017. Every hardships, sleepless nights, stressful days were all worth it. This month was also the month my mother decided to stay home for good. Really happy that we’ll get to be with her every day.

May

Uhm, nothing much happened in May.

June

Struggled finding jobs that suits my course and passion. lol. but yeah, this month, I received a job offer from the company that I am now working at.

July

Aside from this is my birth month, it’s also my first month in the company that hired me. It’s not easy at first, I must say. And I’m still adjusting now. Thank God that He didn’t let me go through this by myself.

August

Uhhh, I couldn’t say that the highlight of this month was meeting Robinsons, but it seemed to be it. lol. But uh, idk. Mga panahong ito ako nalito sa feelings ko eh.

September

I learned how to read and write Baybayin! Haha. Now I can curse everytime using it. LOL just kidding.

October

I held Ulap’s hand. That was also the first time that he leaned on my shoulder and worded my name on repeat. He was drunk at that time.

November

Time when I almost gave up on work but glad that I didn’t. Anxiety attacked.

December

I received the most wonderful present. I am now for regularization. All the hopeless feelings and anxiety were all worth it. I did learn from my mistakes and because of that, I strived hard to be better at work. And I will still strive harder this time.

I know my 2017 wasn’t as colorful as others but for me, it’s still memorable. I both lost and gained something in 2017. And I now look forward for a better year to experience, with, i hope, the same people I was with last year and new people i am going to meet this year. :)

Sandali

Tumawa siya at sinabayan ang iba. Madilim na, subalit may sapat na ilaw na nanggagaling sa kisame upang makita ang saya sa mga mukha ng kaniyang kasama. 

Kasabay ng malalakas na halakhak ang pagbuhos ng ulan sa labas, dahilan kung bakit nakakulong sa mainit at hindi kalakihang kuwarto ang mga sabik nilang katawan sa hamog ng gabi. Buhay na buhay pa rin ang paligid kahit na lagpas alas dos na ng madaling araw. 

Sandali siyang napatigil sa pagtawa, at tumingin sa dakong unahan upang tingnan ang kaisa-isang mukha na gustung-gusto niyang palaging pinagmamasdan. 

Sa sandaling iyon ay pawang panandalian ding tumigil ang pagtibok ng kaniyang puso. 

Umiwas siya ng tingin. Hindi niya kinaya ang pagkapaso niya sa mga titig na sumalubong sa kaniyang pagsulyap. Kasabay nito ay pagdadalawang isip at pagtataka. Totoo nga bang nakatitig ito sa kaniya? Ngunit bakit? Para makasiguro ay tumingin siyang muli.

Muling tumama sa kaniya ang dalawang bola ng apoy at isang malalim na titig galing sa taong nagpapawala ngayon ng kaniyang dibdib. Nawala lahat ng ingay. Nanlamig ang kaniyang mga pawisang kamay. Tumigil ang pagbagsak ng tubig ulan sa bubong. Maski paghinga niya yata’y tumigil din.

Ang kaninang tuwa’y mas dumoble pa. Gusto niyang ngumiti, gusto niyang humalakhak ng wagas. Gusto niyang tumayo at lapitan ang taong iyon, saka niya ito yayakapin. Ngunit alam niyang hindi niya kayang gawin, at wala siyang karapatang gawin. Napatigil siya. “Sandali lang, teka.” Ang sabi niya sa kaniyang isipan. Hindi na dapat iyon ang kaniyang nararamdaman. Kaya mas pinili niyang pumikit na lamang.

Kakalimutan ang sandaling nagbigay sa kaniya ng pag-asa sa salitang “maaari”.