Sa Robinsons Ortigas

Apat na metro pa ang layo, ngunit tanaw ko na ang tingin niya. Tatlong malalakas na kabog ang narinig ko sa kung saan. Luminga ng bahagya sa gilid ng kalsada, tahimik at walang ibang ingay kundi ang mahinahong andar ng mga sasakyan. Saan ito galing?

Ibinalik kong muli ang tingin sa unahan. Nakita kong nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin. Nakatingin nga ba siya sa akin? Hindi ako sigurado. Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan pabalik.

Ilang hakbang na lang ang layo, agad akong yumuko.

Ayokong makita ang tingin niyang nakakatunaw. Ang tingin niyang nagtatanong ng mga ‘bakit?’ at nagsasabi ng mga salitang ‘sinaktan mo ako ng sobra.’

Dalawang pitik ng kamay ang narinig, isang hakbang bago ko siya malampasan. Iniangat ko ang tingin at lumingon sa kanyang dako. Ngunit wala na akong naabutan. Ang tanging nakita ko na lamang ay ang likod niya, papalayo sa kung saan man ako nakatayo.

Biglang bumalik lahat.

Doon sa umagang puno ng ngiti, sa gabing may matatawag na kaunting kilig.

Sa mga araw na umaasang mamumunga ng maganda ang simulang walang kalinawan.

Sa mga usapang nabuo kahit na maraming pag-aalinlangan at ngayo’y nilimot na ng pagkakataon.

Sa panahong akala ko pareho naming natagpuan ang pag-ibig.

‘Hanggang ngayon ba?’

Tatlong salitang nagpaisip sa akin.

‘Alin?’

Alin nga ba? Hanggang ngayon ba ano?

Hanggang ngayon ba naiisip pa rin kita? Hanggang ngayon ba gusto pa rin kita? Hanggang ngayon ba umaasa pa rin ako? Hanggang ngayon ba ano? Ano?

‘Di ka na ba galit?’

Ang tangi kong nasabi pabalik. Limang salitang matagal ko nang gustong tanungin. Kung tutuusin ay iisang sagot lang ang makukuha. Oo o hindi, ngunit parehong sagot ay hindi na.

Iyan siguro ang gusto kong makuhang sagot mula sa kaniya.

Hindi ako malungkot. Hindi ako nalulungkot. Sa halip ay masaya ako, dahil alam kong unti-unti, maaari na kaming maging magkaibigan muli.

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Trip trip Vlog (with hugot) 112617

And so, I’ve made my first Vlog with my friend, LG! It’s not a formal Vlog, and I don’t know if you can consider this as a Vlog (Hahaha natripan lang talaga namin, di ko alam e, how can you say it’s a Vlog na buh? xD), but I hope you can spare some time for this! This video is full of “hugot” (somehow ahaha), just so you know. Hihi.

And uh, medyo fail pa ako sa pag-edit. Nangangapa me sa premiere. :p

Ulap,

Namimiss na kitang kumustahin. May pagkakataon na gusto kitang makausap, pero alam kong walang pagkakataon. Kung meron man, masiyado kang busy sa ibang bagay. Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya mo ba, o baka talagang wala naman akong halaga sa’yo. Ilang beses akong sumubok na magreach out, pero ikaw ang lumayo. Minsan iniisip ko na lang ba baka kumakapit na lang ako sa ideyang may nararamdaman pa ako kahit wala naman talaga. Ideya na lang ang lahat. Itong pagsusulat ko tungkol at para sa’yo, ideya na lang. Baka ineenjoy ko lang ang moment na may isang tao pa akong maaaring sulatan, maaaring kumustahin. Siguro ineenjoy ko lang ang ganong konsepto. Na kahit hindi ko alam, may palihim na nagbabasa ng mga naiisip ko. Palihim mong nalalaman na naiisip kita.

Alam mo nga bang iniisip kita?

Marami akong dapat kaayawan sa’yo. Sa ngayon ay iyon lahat ang tinitignan ko para tuluyang maging malaya sa damdaming (pagiisip na) ito. Subalit kapag naaalala kita, kung paanong maaari namang magkaroon ng pagasa ang “tayo”, bigla kong nalilimutan ang mga panget na bagay at katangian na meron ka. Ewan ko ba. Matagal na akong nagpaalam ‘di ba?

Sa ngayon, masaya akong makita na masaya ka sa mga bagay na nakakamit mo. Masaya akong masulyapan ang maliliit na tagumpay na nagpapasaya at nagbibigay sa’yo ng pagasa. At mas masaya kung yung isang tagumpay na hinihintay ng lahat ay makamtan mo na. Alam kong darating ang panahon na mangyayari iyon.

Hanggang sa susunod, Ulap. Kung may susunod pa nga ba.

Reflections

I’m just trying to encourage myself thru this post, but this could be a help for someone too, maybe?

Sabi nila, mahirap itigil ang kinagawian na at masanay na wala a ito. But what if you really need to stop that old habits? It’s just like if you break up with your partner for years. You suddenly cut the connections, which you’re not used to because everyday kayong magkachat/text/usap before, but now you need to resist kahit na gustong gusto mo siyang kontakin uli. Or yung friend mo na palagi mong napupuntahan, nasasabihan, natatapik when you needed someone, however now hindi na masyado kasi you’re both busy. Or kapag nagsarado ang favorite coffee shop / restaurant na lagi mong pinupuntahan every after school/office or before going home. Even if it’s already closed, sometimes you find yourself walking on that street or driving towards that direction. Gano’n kasi ang kinasanayan mo. Applicable rin sa suot mong singing for years na nawala bigla. You feel that it is still there when in fact, wala naman na talaga. Just like i said, nasanay ka kasi e.

Mahirap masanay uli na hindi na gano’n ang nangyayari. It’s like, you’re back to zero, nangangapa ka. Parang hindi mo alam kung paano ka magsisimula, or paano mo sasanayin ang sarili mong wala na yung nakaugalian mo.

Mahirap din if you’re always at the top, then suddenly you’re crawling for survival. Hirap no’n, shet. Parang how come you’re at this point when you were soaring high at the beginning? Well, I think this is the unseen fact: ‘di mo napansin na nahirapan ka rin noong una before you reached the top. Maybe naging madali lang sa’yo na umakyat noon, siguro for the reason na gusto mo yung ginagawa mo kaya hindi mo napapansin na nahihirapan ka, or natural na madali kang matuto. Pero kung accurate yung pangalawa kong sinabi how come na hindi mo kayang gawin ngayon?

Heh, contradictory yata itong mga pinagsasabi ko. Pero ayun nga, kung nagawa mo dati, how come na hindi mo magawa-gawa ngayon? I think malaki talaga ang factor nung ginagawa m yung gusto mo, at hindi mo lang ginugusto yung ginagawa mo.

Or maybe, may process kasi. Uhm, I’d consider this more kaysa sa fact na maas napapadali kapag ang ginagawa mo is yung gusto mo. Maybe kasama sa process yung sobrang mahihirapan ka to the point na you’ll think of stopping it na lang kasi akala mo walang nangyayari. Wala kang nakikitang assurance sa halos lahat ng ginagawa mo. So, doubt will kick in and it will eat you up. You’ll be asking questions to yourself like, “tama pa ba?”, “worth it pa ba ang lahat?”, “itutuloy ko pa ba?”, “paano kung hindi naman pala ito yung dapat na ginagawa ko?” and a bunch of what if’s in your mind.

Tapos, wala pa ring makakasagot kaya lalo kang maloloka. You’d gone crazy sa mga thoughts mo. Overthinking will knock you out. Depression will come next. And ayun, ‘di ka na functional. See? Ang unhealthy ano? But yeah, it’s a process.

I’d like to say that there are no easy things in life, and it’s only hard at first. In time, when you successfully gone through that “process”, magiging madali na ang lahat para sa’yo. There will be doubts, yeah, but minimal na lang, especially when you have faith. Sabi nga ng isang friend:

“Faith is the assurance of things not seen.”

Hindi mo kakayanin ‘yang process kung wala si Lord. I am always forgetting na may ginagawa pala ang Lord. Hindi mo man nakikita pa, pero may ginagawa Siya. He’s putting us in downing situations to make us stronger. Lalo na yung faith natin sa Kanya. It’s also a way to remind us na we need Him. And kung ano man ang pinagdadaanan natin, nandito tayo kasi may purpose Siya.

He is still sovereign, and is still good, after all.

X.XVIII.XVII

For that short period of time i have felt alive.

Wore all those high hopes and smiles.

Got exhilarated every waking day,

With the thought that he was going to stay.

I would wait for his stares, every dismissal time,
and those timid smile he tries to hide.

My feelings got deep, i won’t even deny.

For every time i see him, I fly.

However, suddenly, it all stopped.
I guess we were both at fault, or not?

I’d like to think the timing’s not just right

And for now, this isn’t worth to fight.

The exchange of chats that kept me going;
The sending of random pictures and selfies;

The fighting over some nonsense things;

Those are the ones, perhaps, I’m gonna miss.

I should’ve held his hand sooner,
But I’m glad I got the chance to look at him closer.

Even though that moment, the silence won over,

that last day of August, I will surely treasure.

So now it’s time to say farewell,
For that something that was not really there.

Farewell to the chances we didn’t take.

Farewell to the love that was never made.

Mabuti pa ang mga bulag

Minsang naligaw sa isang lugar, hindi alam ang patutunguhan
nakatayo sa gitna ng kalsadang walang ibang laman
kundi ang sariling nagtataka
Makakausad pa nga ba?

Lumingon sa likod, may nakitang isang bulag
Walang masyadong bitbit, isang baston lang ang tangay.
Agad na lumapit, at saka nagtanong
“Ang daan na ito, alam niyo ba kung saan hahantong?”

Turo turo ang daanang malawak,
saka napagtantong bulag nga pala ang kausap
Ngunit ngumiti at sumagot ang bulag,
“Saan mo ba gustong magtungo, anak?”

“Kung saan may kaligayahan,” ang sagot sa isip.
Subalit may lugar pa bang gano’n na masisilip?
“Kung saan may pag-ibig,” ang nais isunod.
“Sa lugar kung saan walang sakit na dulot.”

“Bigo ka ba?” tanong nito bago pa makapagsalita.
At sa sinabi niyang iyon, napaisip ng bahagya.
“Minsan hindi mo talaga alam kung saan ka pupunta,
kapag ang puso mo na ang naligaw sa umpisa.”

“Saan ba ang punta niyo?” ang tanging naisagot
Tumikhim ang bulag, at saka napasimangot
“Wala akong ibang napupuntahan
Ang itsura ng mga lugar para sa akin ay pare-pareho lang naman.

Siya uli’y napangiti,
hindi nagtagal.
Tinapik ang brasong nanlalambot na sa pagal
At saka sinabing:
Subalit hindi ang nararamdaman.

“May lugar na mainit, may lugar na malamig.
May lugar na masigla, minsan puro pait.
Kung saan-saan mapapadpad, madalas maliligaw
pero ang mahalaga, kung sa paglalakbay, ikaw ba’y may natutunan?”

Para kay Ulap

Gano’n pala ang pakiramdam na mahawakan ang kamay mo. Doble ang init, mas malambot, kaysa kapag hawak ko siya sa aking panaginip. 

Gano’n pala ang pakiramdam na ihilig ang ulo mo sa balikat ko. Sa wakas, sumandal ka na rin sa akin, iyon yata ang unang pagkakataon. 

Pinaghalong amoy alak at pawis, malagkit na pagtama ng mga braso gawa ng mahigit limang oras na paglalagi mo sa labas, at ang tibok ng puso kong nagsusumigaw, ngunit pinipigilan, dahil baka bigla kang lumayo kapag ito’y iyong marinig. 

Isang salita para mailarawan ko ang naramdaman ko kagabi: magulo. 

Iyan pa rin ang pakiramdam ko hanggang ngayon kahit na nagkaroon ng kaunting linaw, dahil sinagot mo naman ang ilan kong katanungan kahit na hindi buo at madetalye ang mga ito. Natuwa ako at naintindihan mo. O baka dahil iisa tayo ng naiisip? Nararamdaman? Hala. Heto na naman ako sa pag-iisip ng mga ganitong bagay, ayoko na nga.

Ayoko na.

Pero gusto ko pa.

Pero ayoko… pa.

Siguro hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon. At hindi ko alam kung may tamang panahon nga ba sa bagay na ito, sa atin. Tae. Sa atin? 

Hindi. Sa akin.

Sa akin ang mas tugmang salita.

Hahayaan ko na lang muna ang panahon na magdikta ng lahat.

091017

Daddy,

I feel sad tonight.
I just watched a good video about dads on youtube and thought of you. How are you there? Are you alright? Sorry for not visiting you and lola’s place very often. I miss you now the most.
I feel so empty. The work’s getting harder and harder, but I just entered the real world, I know. Now I also know how hard it is to earn a living. But I still wished you saw how happy I was when I got my first paycheck. It would really be very nice if I had the chance to treat you a dine out, anywhere and anything you want. You and mommy, with mama, and uh, the whole fam. okay.
Anyway, speaking of mommy. She’s getting finer, but she look a bit older than before. Her body is hetting smaller, her hair is showing more white hairs, and her skin are becoming rough due to aging. I thought I could see you both like that. I pictured the both of you sitting on your rocking chairs, and peacefully watching the sunset, or happily sharing stories you each experienced when you were younger. It would be perfect, right? But yeah, destiny is sometimes surprising, you’d never know what could happen later to one’s life.
Anyway, I don’t like what I’m feeling since the past few days. I’m bothered by something I shouldn’t even entertain in the first place. But again, how do you tell yourself what to feel, right?
Hays. I wish you’re here to slap me with your words or slap me literally to stop feeling like a girl. Lol joke. I know you won’t hurt me.
I’ll just see you again in my sleep, Daddy.
I love you always.
You are missed every day.

 

Change will come your way, but be aware

cats

As we grow old, we will notice some changes not just in our physical appearance, but also in terms of our emotional, psychological, and social aspects of life. There will be times that you will feel and think about everything at once, or nothing at all — like minding even the smallest matter and nonsense happenings, or just feeling numb over an important one. Eventually, you will notice these things slowly and later understand that it’s a part of the process of being a grown up.

However, there are chances that we won’t fully understand why some changes has to happen — even if we already knew that it’s for our benefit (well, it should be for the better, though). It’s just that some are hard to accept, and sad to realize. Especially when it comes in the aspect of our social life.

The relationship among our family, friends, and ourselves will be affected by these changes.

Because we’re in the process of adulting and our priorities, mindset, and beliefs are changing, we now take things more seriously. Ignorance are being replaced by awareness and familiarity, causing us to be wise about our every actions and be confident in the results; Decisions are being deeply thought-out, trusting and depending to others are being cloudy, and time is becoming more than a gold. This means that we only consume time for productivity, and also means that activities that doesn’t relate, benefit, and make us happy is in the lower list.

We will then find out that the chances to be with the people we were always with before is dropping, which might lead to losing them, one by one.

It’s okay though, it’s a good thing to be clever and allot more time to the things that we can gain at. But keep this in mind: people are changing too, and it’s not always a hundred percent assurance that they will still be there in the corner where we left them. They also need to move forward just like us, anyway. We’re only fortunate if we are all going in the same direction.

Because we’re changing, we’re becoming busy living the way we want, and only focusing on the things we aim. Hence, we often forget to spend time with our family and friends — even a “me” time, which is really important, is being neglected. We overlook that time is very valuable, and once it has passed, we can no longer go back to have it.

Thus, as much as possible, we must spare some of it, even a little time will do, to the activities that can improve not just ourselves, but also our relationship with the people around us.

Change is inevitable, that is a fact, and it can be caused by many factors. We just have to make sure that we’re changing for the best.

Currently: Entry 2

IMG_20170707_230415

Hooray for Weekends! Hello! So here I am, blogging again about my currently entry numbeeeer two! I have time to use Eys now because it’s weekend and I don’t have work. I think that’s one of the things I like about the company that I am working at, aside from the kind people, good trainers, nice ambiance, and advanced technology! I’m still a trainee tho,  I started last July 3. Hehe. I also can’t believe that I already spent a week in the office with some new people! Hooray! I survived the first week!

Uhm, I sometimes miss my college classmates, and subconsciously wishing that they’re the ones I am with. Hehe. But yeah, new people means new experiences & lessons, and that kinda excites me.

So anyway, I am here to blog my currently/ies (lol) so let’s start with what I’m…

R E A D I N G

Well, currently, sad to say, there’s none. But I am planning to read a book that a friend gave me as a compensation for a book cover I made for her. And yes, I still haven’t finished the first book I started last week. No time. Huhu

W R I T I N G

None, aside from this post.

L I S T E N I N G

The sound of the AC, and the keyboard. I miss the room and the time I was able to be in here the whole day, just typing my stories or whatsoever kechenelynhan.

W A T C H I N G

Again, nothing. However, I want to watch a horror movie in my HD, but sleeping seems better so I’ll sleep after I post this entry. Hahaha.

T H I N K I N G

What to do tomorrow, but I remember that a classmate would be here and she’s going for a sleepover because she’s going with me on Monday in the company. I’ll try to refer her to the HR for the same position as I am. Hehe. I hope she’ll pass the exam though.

H O P I N G

To finish the sketch / book that my friend and I planned to do before August come. But I doubt that I’ll come to draw the 1st illus completely. I’m barely moving with the plan huhu. But yeah, I’m hoping.

N E E D I N G

To be organized. A notebook for listing the things I should do first and for managing my time. Since I am working now, I have less time to think more about things I should be doing. I sleep immediately when I get home, and weekend is all I have to do task filtering.

W A N T I N G

To sleep already and take a rest. Haha. I also want to see my college friends. Really misses them a lot. I hope we could bond like before. I really want to see and be with them again. :(

F E E L I N G

I guess, sleepy? Though I feel a little bit bored and I don’t think I can sleep that fast.

That’s it. Seeing the picture that I use as a banner of this post (it’s me and my co-trainees), makes me miss my college friends more. Huhu. Are they missing me too? :(

By the way,  I also watched our AVPs and Short films in lunch time while eating and my urge to produce a short film awakens. Aaaaah I badly want to do Lucia, a Psychological Thriller story that I plan to continue writing, which my college friends and I originally created when we were still determined to do a short film before. But due to schedules and reasons, we’re not able to do it. I hope that one day, if time permits us to make it, I will be really, really happy.

 

 

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