Paano mo malalaman na mahal mo na ang isang tao (in a romantic way)?

I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday night habang umiinom ng milktea. Of course, our topic is about “love” itself, and how can a person say that they already love someone.

It’s a hard question actually, tho sabi ko, iba-iba naman ang meaning ng love sa iba’t-ibang tao. Naalala ko dati, nag-survey pa ako para makagawa ng essay about do’n. Iba-iba ang sagot nila sa tanong ko na ito: ‘Paano mo ba masasabing mahal mo na ang isang tao?’

Some says kapag you’re willing to sacrifice everything for that person, that’s when you finally know you love him/her; some says kapag tanggap mo ang lahat about sa tao na iyon, mapa-positive or negative man ito; and some simply says it doesn’t have a reason, you just know it.

Pero hindi lang do’n nag-end up ang usapan. Si friend kasi biglang nagtanong: paano mo malalaman na love na ang nararamdaman mo? Matitiyak mo ba na love na iyon? Paano kung akala mo lang love na iyon, pero hindi pala? At yung akala mong hindi love, ay love na pala? at ilang tanong rin katulad ng ‘may boundaries ba dapat yung mga gagawin mo para sa isang tao para masabing hindi pa iyon love? May parameter ba ang love?’.

Sa totoo lang naloka ako sa tanong niya, and realized… Oo nga. Mayroon ba? May factors ba na dapat i-take note at tandaan para malaman na romantic love na ang nafefeel mo at hindi lang simply platonic? Well, take this for example… everyday kayong nag-uusap ng isang tao and you both send good morning and good night messages, you’ll hear him/her out thru good times and bad times, you’re always there beside that person, and you sacrifice your time masamahan lang siya. Masasabi mo bang romantic love na iyon, kahit na you’re simply just friends? Compared to a situation na minsan lang kayong magkita, minsan mo lang siyang makausap, but oh boy, you feel some deep connections! You’re willing to spend time too, sacrifice time too, hear them out ’til morning too, but it’s just a thought, walang practice. Puro thought and idea lang. Mako-consider mo bang romantic love na? Ano bang pinagkaiba?

Mahal mo na ba siya kapag hindi siya maalis sa isip mo? Mahal mo na ba siya kapag gustong gusto mo siyang makita every day? Mahal mo na ba siya kapag kinakabahan ka every time na magkikita kayo? Mahal mo na ba siya kapag nag-iimagine ka ng mga bagay-bagay sa inyong dalawa? How can you say it’s love?

Ah, balik tayo sa tanong ko. Paano mo masasabing mahal mo na ang isang tao? Dati naniniwala ako na walang reasons ang love. Kabilang ako sa mga taong sumagot noon na walang dahilan ang pag-ibig, walang sagot sa tanong, sadya mo na lang mararamdaman ito. Biglaan. Walang factors to take note. Smooth.

Pero mali. Meron pala talaga.

In my experience, basically, masasabi kong mahal mo na ang isang tao kapag inuuna mo ang kapakanan niya kaysa sa kapakanan mo. Siguro ito ang number one. Mas iniisip mo siya, kaysa sa’yo. Bigla kang mawawala sa eksena at tanging siya na lang ang nakapokus. Sa kaniya iikot ang lahat. Maging ang magiging desisyon mo, sa kaniyang nakasalalay. Ikaw ang magdedecide, hawak mo pa rin ang mundo mo, pero sa kaniya ka na nakatingin. Magiging selfless ka pag dating sa taong iyon. Isa pa, you’ll try to enter his/her world. you’ll be interested sa mga bagay na gusto niya. Susubukan mo ang mga bagay na ginagawa niya, and you’ll try to love it para lang masabayan mo siya. Gano’n eh. Selfless ka na kasi. Third, magkakaroon ka ng maraming oras. Pero sa sarili mo wala. Oo, dahil nga inuuna mo na siya at susubukan mo nang pasukin ang mundo niya, malilimutan mo na na may mundo ka rin. Kapag may nagtatanong kung busy ka, sasabihin mo palagi ay oo, pero para sa taong iyon ay hindi. You’ll make time. Tingin mo nga ay kulang pa nga ang pag-alay mo ng 24hrs para sa taong iyon.

But friends, lahat ng sinabi ko ay mali. Hindi dapat gano’n palagi. Kasi kung iyon ang gagawin mo, magiging miserable hindi lang ang buhay mo, kundi pati ang buhay ng taong mahal mo.

Yes, it’s okay to consider the person you (think you) love, pero hindi dapat sa lahat ng oras ay siya lang ang iisipin mo. What about you? What about the people around you? Ah, huwag mo siyang gawing mundo mo.

Ayos lang din na subukan mo ang mga hilig niya, but don’t forget na you have yours too. May hilig ka rin, may mga bagay ka rin na dapat gawin, at hindi iyon dapat nababalewala.

Tama lang din na bigyan mo siya ng oras, pero don’t only focus sa taong iyon. Huwag mong kalimutan na kailangan mo rin ng oras para sa iyong sarili, mga kaibigan at pamilya.

Kung talagang mahal mo ang isang tao, you’ll prove to every one na karapat-dapat ka para sa kaniya. You’ll give your best shots to become the very best version of yourself. Aayusin mo muna ang sarili mo, before trying to fix somebody. Aalisin mo muna ang lahat ng frustrations, disappointments, and insecurities bago ang sa kaniya. Pupunuan mo muna ang lahat ng pagkukulang mo, bago ang sa kaniya. Dapat ayos ka muna, bago ang lahat. You should be complete first for you to complete someone. \

All in all, kailangan matutunan mo munang mahalin ang sarili mo, bago ka magmahal ng iba.

Paalala.

May mga tao talagang darating sa buhay mo na mamahalin ka at mamahalin mo rin. Ibibigay mo ang lahat, gagawin mo ang lahat, isasakripisyo mo ang lahat para sa kanya at sa huli, iiwanan ka niya na parang walang nangyari. Malalaman mong hindi ka niya minahal ng totoo at masasaktan ka. Iiyak ka araw-araw, gabi-gabi, at bawat oras na maaalala mo siya at ang masasayang sandali ninyong magkasama. Mabubuhay ka na puno ng katanungan. Maiisip mo kung saan ka nagkulang, kung hindi ba sapat ang nagawa mo, o kung may mali ka bang nagawa dahil bigla na lang nagkagano’n. Lilipas pa ang araw at makikita mo siyang masaya na. Magtatanong ka uli ng mga bakit. Paano. Kailan. Iiyak ka uli. Masasaktan ka uli. Pero mapagtatanto mo na hindi tama na manatili kang gano’n. Gigising ka na may planong bumangon muli. Hindi dahil sa naaawa ka na sa sarili mong nakalugmok lang sa semento, kundi dahil alam mong hindi iyon ang nararapat para sa’yo. Makikita mo ang kahalagahan mo sa tulong ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Maiisip mong hindi lang pala sa kanya dapat umikot ang mundo mo. Maiisip mong maaari ka uli na sumaya kung hahayaan mong pumasok ang kasiyahan sa’yo. Tatayo ka, unti-unti. Minsan papasok siya sa memorya mo at masasaktan ka ulit, ngunit mangingibabaw na ang positibong pananaw. Hindi ka na maaapektuhan ng kanyang pagkawala. Hindi ka na maiiyak sa magagandang ala-ala ninyong dalawa na hindi na mauulit. Kundi, ngingiti ka na sa pag-alala ng masasakit na pangyayaring dinulot niya sa’yo at ipinadama. Dahil kung hindi sa mga iyon, ay hindi mo maiisip na mahalaga ka pala. Na kaya mo palang mag-isa. Na malakas ka kasi hanggang ngayon ay nakakangiti ka kahit na minsan gusto mo na lang umiyak. Matututunan mong mahalin ang sarili mo at maiisip mo na iyon muna ang dapat mong matutunan bago ka magmahal ng iba.

May mga tao talagang darating sa buhay mo na mamahalin ka at mamahalin mo rin. Pero mali. Ngunit ang pagkakamali na iyon ay magdudulot ng maganda sa iyong sarili. Lalakas ka. Tatapang ka. Ihuhulma ka. At ituturo ka, sa tamang panahon, sa taong magbibigay at magpapadama sa’yo ng totoong kaligayahan.

Faith. Hope. Love.

April 2016 has been the most painful month for me. And it was like a whole month of jokes, hoping one day — or at least on its last day — I will wake up and realize that all of what happened was only a dream. But it wasn’t.

I want to claim and declare that it is the most painful month because I do not want to experience it again in the future. Now I know why other people say that they are afraid to be happy, for one day, it will be replaced by pain, and not just sadness.

Actually, there are two kinds of pain that I have felt (and still feeling, I guess): The pain with sadness, and the pain with grudge.

As much as possible, I am trying to put away the latter. I don’t want to hold a grudge over someone because I know, in time, I will be the one who will suffer for doing so.

But here’s the thing why I am writing this: I have lost two men in my life.

One was the man who loved me and didn’t forget to remind me how valuable I am, but I was not able to show how I love him and appreciate all of the things he did for me; and one was the man who I loved deeply and gave so much time, but was not able to treasure my worth.

I am really sad that I only realized their difference when they’re both gone in my life, physically and mentally —  Physically, because daddy’s body is now gone, but his memories and presence will always stay in our hearts. Mentally, because N’s still there, somewhere, doing his things, not remembering me and all the things we’ve shared together… but his presence is now absent.

Did you now get what I mean?

There are no nights that I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I feel so empty… like there are so many pieces of myself that are missing and my heart and emotions are dead and numb. Though I miss daddy (I know mommy misses him so much too and we are all missing him so much), but when I look at his picture it’s like he’s still here. Sighs. And I still miss and think of N, but they say I shouldn’t because he’s not worthy of my time and emotions anymore. Sighs again.

Now it’s funny how I think that I am truly strong, because I have endured the pain and bear all the heartaches of losing people. The worse part of that was, I (almost) lost my self too because of that. Lucky, I didn’t.

As I have said in one of my post in my Tumblog,

“One of the saddest things that’s ever gonna happen to you, is to lose yourself along the way while searching for someone.”

We must all bear in our minds that nobody will ever gonna make you whole and complete except for yourself. I think people can only help you, but not gonna make you.

I’m now wishing and praying for acceptance, forgiveness, and motivation to trust people again. As a daily reminder, I keep on reading the phrase that I have written as a note to self, a year ago.

“I want you to be strong enough to move on, and to open your heart for another love.”

But as much as possible… be strong enough to accept and forgive, and to open your heart for trusting people again. 

 

 

Yata.

Sana makahanap ka ng taong magmamahal sa’yo katulad ng pagmamahal na gusto mong makuha. Yung tipo ng taong kayang magtiis kahit na masaktan siya at hindi magrereklamo’t magsasawa kahit paulit-ulit mo itong gawin at hindi magagalit o maiinis kahit pa iparamdam mong hindi siya mahalaga.

Sana makatagpo ka ng taong kayang gawin ang lahat, maging masaya ka lang. Kahit pa sabihin na nating hindi siya kasama sa kasiyahan na iyon. Na hindi siya ang dahilan ng kasiyahan na iyon. At makukuntento lang na makita kang ineenjoy mo ang kasiyahan na iyon.

Sana makita mo ang taong magbibigay ng higit pa sa 100% na effort kahit yung sa’yo, 50% lang. Yung taong hindi na maghahangad ng mas higit pa sa pagtetext mo ng “hi” kada maisipan mo lamang. Yung sapat na sa kanyang matanong siya kung nakakain na ba siya ng hapunan kasi alam mong hindi siya kumakain ng hapunan. Yung taong hindi na umaasa na may ilalabis pa ang mga bagay na kaya mong gawin.

Sana dumating yung taong may malawak na pang-unawa at kaya kang intindihin sa lahat ng oras at bagay na iyong ginagawa. Isang taong may mahabang pasensya at pagtitimpi sa iyong pag-uugali. Isang taong bukas ang isip at matatag na damdamin na makakasalo sa mga matatalim na salitang maaari mong ibato sa kanya.

Sana, kahit hindi mo hanapin, ay mayroong naghihintay na katulad niya sa isang katulad mo.

Sapagkat hindi ko na kaya.

Hindi ko na yata kayang maging ako ang taong iyon.

some things i want to do with you, r.m.

I think it would be nice if I wake up beside you on a bed on a rainy morning, covered by a blanket, talking, cuddling, kissing, making love, and we will stay like that until you say that we need to get up. And when afternoon comes, we will cook something to eat but we won’t just focus on eating but also staring at each other at the dining table the whole time, smiling, holding hands, absorbing each other’s love. At 7pm, we won’t bother to take some dinner coz we’re still full from our afternoon brunch, and we will just watch some random movies you’ll pick from the cd racks. We will stay awake until dawn, laughing out loud because of the corny jokes I am saying to you. And then I will sleep in your arms, will hug you so tight, will hope and pray that this kind of love would never end. And it would never ever end.

I think that would be not just nice, but wonderful.

— some things i want to do with you, r.m.

At three in the morning:

But why? she asked. You just look at her with those kind of stare that she’s afraid to see. Those pity stares that you’ve been hiding for all those times that you two are together.

I can’t bear this anymore, you answered. She then breakdown and cry on the floor, thinking what could’ve been wrong that you decided to be on your own now, to need space, and to live your life without her.

But why, she really don’t understand why. Why you’re leaving her. What’s the reason of falling out of love with her. Why, of all person, you’re the one who got tired of her being weak, fragile, and sensitive. She expected that you’ll understand her attitude over things because you said you would, and that you won’t ever look at her like she’s the pittiest girl that you’ve met because she thinks you don’t want her to feel less confident about herself. But now, why. Why are you doing this to her?

You sighed, I’m tired. Too tired to look after you, to handle your problems, to just being with you, but you didn’t know that she’s tired also. Too tired that she can’t even stand up by herself. And now she understands. What you felt was not love.

It’s just pity.

 

I hope it could be you

I hope it could be you. The one to whom I wake up my every mornings with. Share morning breathes and smiles, and fill every coffee mugs on the kitchen table is the first thing I want to do with you in the morning. You’ll hug me from behind and whisper something to my ears. Your warm breathe will tickle me. And it will feel so good.

I hope it could be you. The one who will drive me to the grocery store. We’ll buy foods and other things that we don’t need because we just feel like buying it. We’ll run like we’re still kids chasing each other. And we’ll do it every Sunday or every day or every time that we have time.

I hope it could be you. The one whom I will have problems with. We’ll argue, we’ll need space, but then in the end, we’ll fix it and we will love each other more. You’ll ask me why’s and how’s and then we’ll say something, then you’ll hug me and then we will feel fine after. You will be one of the people to motivate me, give me strength, and hope in every challenge I/we will face. 

I hope it could be you. The one who will sing every love songs in your playlist. You’ll sing for me before we sleep, after we wake up, on the road, while doing the laundry, while walking hand in hand, and every time we’re together.

I hope it could be you. The one who will never leave me forever. The one who will stay by my side through ups and downs of my life. The one who will be my dreaming partner, prayer partner, and partner in everything that needs a partner.

I hope it could be you. The one who I will share my I love you’s — every morning, every night, every time we’re apart, and every moment when we have the chance to say it and prove it.

I hope it could be you. I wish it could be you. And I pray it could be you.

Does she still mean something to you?

She have waited for your call the whole day. She kept on looking at her cellphone to check if you have a message for her, asking what she’s doing and how she’s feeling. She hoped for your visit and she thought that you might come to her house because you misses her too. But there were only false hopes. Nothing was on her phone, the inbox was still empty, still longing for your simple greeting; and no one knocked at the door, it only proved that you didn’t came.

She kept herself busy. She kept on thinking that maybe you’re just so busy too that’s why you couldn’t even say ‘hi’ on your free time. She did all the chores, she washed the dishes, she watched all the movies on the cd rack but she still thought of you. She couldn’t helped it. Every breathe that she took, even the slightest move of her fingers… was reminding her of you.

When the night came, she ate dinner alone, watched another random film alone, and went to her bed alone. She cried because of loneliness. She cried because she misses you so much. She cried… because she still don’t know what happened to you and her. And she cried, because she thinks that she means nothing to you now.

Does she still mean something to you?

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Ibang iba yung view kapag nasa tower ka at ang pinagmamasdan mo ay yung tubig. Mas masarap sa pakiramdam kapag nasa gitna ka ng lawa at ang pinagmamasdan mo naman ay yung mga taong nakatingin sa direksiyon mo. Literal na para kang lumulutang. Iba yung hangin, iba yung ambiance, mas magaan. Yung tipong feeling mo tinatangay na rin ng hangin at alon lahat ng problemang dinadala mo habang nasa gitna ka ng tubig at dinadama ang paligid.

You are the first, You are the last.

You are the first boy who stared at her like that. You are the first boy who gave her smile and made her heart melt because of it. You are the first boy who gave her goosebumps just by sitting beside her. You are the first boy that made her conscious of her appearance and the reason why she checked her make up almost every five minutes. You are the first boy who offered her a ride home. You are the first boy who gave her flowers and chocolates in Valentines. You are the first boy that made her stay up all night, staring at the ceiling of her room, thinking many ‘what ifs’. You are the first boy, she had her first late night phone call with. You are the first boy who said the three magic words to her. You are the first boy who kissed her with full of love. You are the first boy who cared about her so much. You are the first boy who she shared her secrets with for the first time. You are the first boy, she thought who understand her. You are the first boy that gave her hope and made her strong despite of all the negative thoughts she have in life. You are the first boy she thinks who will never, ever leave her.

But you are the first boy who broke her heart. You are the first boy who hurt her, not physically but emotionally. You are the first boy that made her cry a river. You are the first boy who left and made her feel nothing after.

And you are the last boy, she promised you will be the last boy…. she will love.