I’m about to give up. But I know, giving up is not an answer.

Some people say I am lucky to have this and that. Some people say I am fortunate to become like this and that. Some people say they want to put themselves in my shoes because of this and that. But for me, I am not lucky enough. I am not fortunate enough. And sometimes, I wish I am not the one who fit in this shoes I am wearing now.

Last night was a not so-so good night for me. I cried a lot causing my eyes to bloat. I look like a fat raw Chinese now. Tch.  It’s just a small misunderstanding and nonsense issue between my brother and I. I just don’t understand him. I really don’t. And in the first place, he’s the one who started it. He threw cusses at me, in person and in FB. That’s why I deactivate my account there. He said I am the one who should be blame, too. But heck, I know what happened, I won’t hysteric like that if he didn’t do something wrong and bad and painful to me. I’ve never been cussed by my parents or guardians neither my friends! He’s the only worthless person who ever did that to me. I don’t care if people will tell me I am disrespectful. He’s not worth my respect, after all. Never will I respect him. EVER in my life!

But wait, he’s not the reason why I cried. I already told you, he’s not worth my respect nor my tears too. The reason why I silently cried last night was because of Mama. I heard her cry again over the phone because of us. She said she’s already tired. She said she want to give up. She also said to me the number one fact about our family. “Wala na nga kayong tatay, ganyan pa kayong magkakapatid?” Okay, who’s not going to be emotional with that? After she said that fact, I remained speechless. I know if I talk, I will burst in tears. So I remained silent, listening to her cries til the phone line was dead.

I know some things need to be private and some things should be kept to yourself forever but I feel like I need to release this emotions I am feeling right now. Last night after the call, I took a pen an paper and wrote something… unusual. You know what I wrote? I wrote a death note. Yes, a death note. I told everything in that letter. My feelings, the pain, everything. I also said in that letter that If she’s tired because of the situation, I am more tired because I have this kind of family. I have this kind of problems, and because I have this kind of life. And yes, I’m about to give up. You know what I did? I restrained myself from breathing. But I can’t. I’m afraid, to be honest. Maybe I just can’t let go and be dead because I’m still in love with life, even though life doesn’t love me.

Problems will end. Challenges and obstacles will be over. But life will remain life, even people dies, life goes on. 

Even though it’s hard, even though sometimes the thought of ending things is occurring my mind, as much as possible, I want to remain alive.

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