Currently: Entry 4

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Hello again. I know it’s rare for me to post twice a day, but since I am on a Holiday break, I would like to consume it by being productive: update the blogs, clean up thy social media accounts, and declutter some files on my lappy. Also, I want to share some things here that’s why I am doing the Entry number 4 of my Currently Chenelyn! Hehe. Let’s start.

R E A D I N G

Little Women of Louisa May Alcott! I started reading the book since last month when I found a rare copy in a Book sale. Now, I am on the Part II and huhu I can’t wait to finish it and don’t want it to at the same time. Lol. I am really hooked in the character of Jo March because I can relate to her in regards with her passion — which is writing — and also the way she control her temper lol. I am also looking forward to see its latest movie adaptation! Gaaaaah I’m excited.

W R I T I N G

None… I stopped writing after I finished the novelette/short story I did as an entry for a contest. Unluckily of me & my entry, it didn’t win. Idk if I took it negatively, but it totally made me lost interest in trying to write lol though I have many ideas in mind. I am slowly accepting the fact that maybe it really isn’t for me. That writing isn’t really for me. And that I should stop dreaming to be good at it. Anyway, I posted it in Watty even having those thoughts. Hehe. I still hope that maybe some people will read it and will leave some comments or criticism that I can actually learn from.

The title is ‘Nag-iisa‘ and I must say, this story is one of the most personal stories I wrote. Some parts of the story were true, but of course, I won’t tell what part. Hehe.

L I S T E N I N G

…to Only Us by Laura Dreyfuss & Ben Platt of Dear Evan Hansen. And it’s on repeat! I would also love to see the play tho I can’t find some copies around so… I better satisfy myself for now by just listening to the album on spotify.

W A T C H I N G

Will watch The Witcher or The Adams Family hihi

T H I N K I N G

About which beach to go next year. My college friends and I are planning to spend some days in a beach, but the problem is, we don’t have the clean plan yet on where. And it stresses me! Looks like I am the only one who is willing to look for a beach resort near Metro. Ugh! I swear this is the last time I will commit myself to such plan hays!

H O P I N G

To have a better new year ahead! 2019 seemed boring for me, but the truth, it was full of challenges. I just didn’t notice those on the moment, but realizing it now, everything that has happened was a challenge and a lesson to bring for the new year! And also, I hope that the year 2020 will be smooth. 2019 is still rocky, though they say, rocky roads form you tougher than smooth roads.

N E E D I N G

Nothing. I don’t need anything as of the moment. I have everything I think I need now. Except for… that someone permanent.

W A N T I N G

Some food. lol.

F E E L I N G

Actually, nothing. I just feel okay. I don’t know. I think 2019 has taught me to be okay, JUST okay. Like, it’s okay because I AM OKAY, rather than sad or hurt… or longing for something I am not sure if coming. I am not saying that I don’t feel anything anymore, I am just saying that I am now used to this. I can now accept things easily — whatever will be, will be and come what may. I can’t control what will happen anyway.

Nobody knows.

 

Gawa ng memories ni peysbuk…

My hardest heartbreak happened three yrs ago. It was month of April when my daddy died, and also, happened to be the month I broke up with my 1st ever legal ex. Sakto pa sa 2nd anniv namin ‘yon kaya matindi yung sakit. Mabigat din ang load ng gawain sa school, and everything so… halo-halo na.

Things were worst nung time na ‘to. As in parang every day, ayoko na gumising kasi ang hirap harapin yung kada araw na puro pain lang naman yung nararamdaman mo. Hindi ko alam paano mag co-cope up that time. Masyadong mabigat yung alon ng emosyon no’n sa akin, tangay-tangay lang ako lagi, malapit-lapit nang malunod. Mabuti nalang talaga nadivert ang attention ko sa maraming bagay tulad ng school works, etc. pero kapag mag-isa ako, gumagapang yung kalungkutan. Parang multo na nagpapapansin sa horror movie, gano’n.

Ilang beses ko rin yata napeke yung ngiti ko no’n. Syempre, ayokong ipakita sa kanila na hindi ako okay, kasi nakakahawa yung pagiging down e. Mas gusto kong mag-spread ng positivity kaysa ma-nega lahat ng nakakasalamuha ko so ayun… pretend, pretend tayo hangga’t kaya. Strong naman ‘to e. Tho, may times na hindi ko mapigilan talaga at iiyak na lang bigla. Like one time, naalala ko, bigla akong umiyak sa kalagitnaan ng pag-uusap ng mga classmates. Gano’n ka-random. Hehe. Buti naiiintindihan nila yung dahilan. Kaya super thankful ako sa mga kaibigan kong hindi ako iniwan noon, hanggang ngayon. Lumipas ang mga araw, naging okay naman.

Nakatulong din ang pagsusulat sa akin. Nakagawa ako ng isang novelette no’n dahil sa pain na nararamdaman ko, at ilang tula na medyo cringy na kung babasahin ngayon. Hehe. Tapos… pagkanta. Videoke to the max, kahit nakakarindi na yung boses ko, mailabas ko lang yung hinanakit na meron sa loob. Then syempre, prayers. Hindi ako religious person, alam ng marami ‘yan, but I have faith. So binuhos ko rin lahat ‘yon sa dasal. Na sana mawala na lahat ng feelings… na actually ’til now dinarasal ko pa rin. Ang hirap kapag nararamdaman mo lahat e. Nyaha.

Sa totoo lang, nahirapan talaga ako sa isang ito:

Pagtanggap.

…sa mga nangyari.

Sobrang hirap. As in every day akong nagtatanong before. Bakit masakit? Bakit siya pa? Bakit ako? Kaya sobrang hirap tumanggap noon kasi hindi ko alam ang sagot, e.

Tapos ang nakakatawa, ang mas mahirap tanggapin ay ‘yong break-up namin ng ex ko. Why? Well actually sa isang post ko rin ‘yon nasulat. Para sa akin kasi, mas madaling tanggapin ang sakit na lungkot ang kasama, kaysa sa sakit na may sama ng loob. Yung pangalawa yung sa kaniya.

Itong post na ito (screenshot sa taas), ang natatandaan ko e tinanong ko ang isang friend kung buburahin ko na ba ang mga pics namin ni ex. ilang buwan na ‘yon ang nakalilipas a. Bitter-bitter pa rin ako. Then, itong si friend, patola… ‘yan ang sagot niya. Napangisi ako after. Kasi oo nga, kung ang ititira ko yung totoo, mahihirapan akong magmove-on. True naman kasi, e. Kasi malulungkot ka na tapos na, o kaya maiisip mo na okay naman e bakit natapos? Pero kung pipiliin mong itira yung alam nong hindi totoo (mga moments na feel mo napilitan lang siya na samahan ka), o kaya tignan yung masakit lang na part, makakamove-on ka agad. Why uli? kasi doon mo marerealize na may much better do’n.

Kaya peke yung inyo, kasi may totoo sa iba; Kaya masakit ngayon, kasi may ligaya pagdating ng araw.

Nung ginawa ko iyon, doon ko nalaman na iyon na yung sagot ko sa mga tanong ko before. Kaya unti-unti ko ring natanggap paglipas ng panahon.

Hindi naman sa pang-bibitter ano, pero laking tulong talaga no’ng gano’ng way (para sa akin, still depends on the person hehe). Tinignan ko lahat ng pangit sa kaniya at sa dalawang taon na relasyon namin. nagback-track ako ng mga nangyari at doon ko nakita yung worth ko as a person.

Kaya ngayon, kapag nasasaktan ako (or nalulungkot, o nadidisappoint) iniisip ko na lang agad na kaya ako nasasaktan (o nalulungkot, o nadidisappoint) kasi hindi ‘yon (bagay na nakapagpapasakit, lungkot, at disappoint) para sa akin. Tinitignan ko lahat ng mali sa nangyayari, at iniisip ko na baka someday yung tama naman ang dumating.

Uhm, hindi ko alam bakit ko naisulat ito, pero kasi parang bomba na sumabog yung ideas ko matapos kong mabasa yung post sa memories ng peysbuk, kaya kinailangan kong isulat. Minsan yung mga memories talaga ni hindi nakabubuti e. Haha.

Osya, tatapusin ko na ang post. Sana may sense ‘to kahit papaano. Hehe.

Ciao.

Currently: Entry 3

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I did this currently chenelyn way back 2017, and I only have two entries — this post will make it three — as of now. I don’t know what happened, really. Nearly forgot that I have such ‘project’ like this in this blog. Hehe. I was decluttering files in my HD as I saw some pictures in a folder named “Currently Entries” that’s why I decided to (at least) continue this. Wala naman akong magawang matino, so. Anyway, here’s a post for this currently thing today.

R E A D I N G

None as of the moment. Though I plan to re-read Slice of Reality and make some character sketch. I really wanna do the ‘comic version’ of it, and hopefully will have the guts to post it somewhere. And oh! I am also enjoying reading webtoons nowadays. I must say the stories and ~*art styles*~ of those webtoons I am reading is my (somehow) inspiration now. Titles of the webtoons I stan: True Beauty, Dice, Hive, Odd Girl Out, Siren’s Lament, Melvina’s Therapy & many more… hehe.

W R I T I N G

This post. lol. Though I have a ~recent~ story in mind. But I still don’t know why I don’t have the motivation to write it even though I’ve been singing the song (which was the basis of the story *and title*) for over a week now huhu. As much as I wanted to, I just can’t because hindi ko mapipilit ang hindi ko maramdaman haha!

Marami pa ngang naka-tengga na story so I think it would be unfair sa mga nauna kong naisip kung uunahin kong gawin yung ngayon huhuhu. Pero, tinatamad lang talaga siguro ako? hehe.

L I S T E N I N G

To the sound of the wind. The television and the radio is off. It’s 230 in the afternoon now and the neighborhood is quiet. The heat is kinda extreme these days (hello, summer!!!!), so people prefer to be inside of their homes.

W A T C H I N G

None again as of the moment. Though I binge-watch X-men series and Game of Thrones in the past weeks. I tried to binge-watch Avengers series, but I don’t know, I am not really an avid fan. Hehe. But I will watch the Endgame, for sure.

T H I N K I N G

Almost about everything. What I did. The changes in me – if I ever did change, why did I. The people I miss. The people I want to talk to and be with, but couldn’t. The people I want to see, but couldn’t. The things I want to do, but couldn’t. The places I want to visit, but couldn’t. The right thing to do. The decisions I made, am making, or will make. Was it right? Is it right? Will it be right? Will it be for the better?

Well obviously, my mind is a mess right now.

H O P I N G

To make the things I plan (want) to do.

N E E D I N G

SOME FRESH AIR AND QUICK GETAWAY. But you know, timings not just right and it’s really hard (idk why it is hard) to have the serenity and peace of mind *and soul* that I want noooow *CRIESSS

W A N T I N G

Someone permanent.

F E E L I N G

Wornout. Cheret. Idk. I guess I am feeling okay, but you know, sometimes okay is not really okay. I am trying my best to be the best version of myself every day, though. I sometimes let the emotions consume me, to make sure I am still capable of feeling, but most of the time, I prefer to ignore it. Para less drama lol.

So I guess that’s it. I know it doesn’t have substance, but I really want to share these things here. Saka para ma-update ko na rin itong blog lol. I haven’t written anything with a sense since the year started. I wrote some poems, sure. Some thoughts entries in my other blog, sure. But they are all senseless. I mean, ugh I can’t explain. I should end this post.

‘Til next entry :)

taking the same steps the others took sometimes won’t work for you

an aftermath post from my Sagada trip. one of the realizations i had, lalo na nung nasa cave, nakalimutan ko lang isulat sa nakaraang post.

sinabi ko ito sa friend ko nung pabalik na kami from Bomod-ok. bigla kasing sinabi nung guide namin na “sundan niyo lang yung tinapakan / ginawa ng nauna sa inyo” or something like that, then nung tinry ko na, hindi naman tugma sa akin. nahirapan ako lalo. doon ko naisip, yeah, that one worked out for him/her, pero sa’kin, it’s a no. charot. hindi suitable.

nai-relate ko tuloy sa totoong buhay. i mean, sa ibang aspeto ng buhay (ko). these past few days, napapaisip kasi ako e. insecurities and anxieties were trying to enter the picture once again. hindi naman siguro ito mawawala ‘no? parang once or several times in our lives, iyong dalawang iyan magpaparamdam. tipong okay naman, smooth ang byahe mo then may batong sumulpot out of nowhere, and suddenly nasira na yung gulong. nailiko mo pa sa ibang daan.

maliit na bagay kung ang example ko lang ay yung nangyare sa akin nung trip pero kung susuriin, malaking epekto ito sa mindset e. lalo na sa mga hindi sure, or naiinip, or nagdududa sa mga ginagawa nila.

like mahself, bakit pa ako lalayo?

may mga times na hindi ko na alam kung may patutunguhan pa ba ang lahat ng mga ginagawa ko, kung may pag-asa pang magawa ko yung gusto ko, o simpleng mapuntahan ko yung isang lugar na walang alalahanin. sa ngayon kasi, parang unti-unti nang nawawala lahat ng sparks sa loob (naks sparks, parang engine lang. ehe) — the goals, the wants, the standard na unconsciously kong nai-set sa sarili ko. like, nasaan na iyong mga iyon? minsan hindi ko na nga naiisip e. go with the flow na lang, come what may. bahala na. nawalan na ng gana e… sad nuh. parang halamang kakarampot na lang ang dahon at hinahayaan na lang malanta.

well anyway, balik na tayo sa title nung post, lumalayo na naman ako. kahit papaano naman, nakaka-motivate yung idea ‘di ba? tipong pasuko ka na, ayaw mo na maglakad pero maiisip mo, baka mali ka lang talaga ng nilalakaran. o kaya ibang paa pala dapat yung ihahakbang mo, ‘di fit sa semento; o baka yung daan na iyon hindi para sa iyo, baka kailangan mong mag-try ng iba; o lumiko; o magtanong ng direction.

sabi naman nila, may kaniya-kaniya tayong time frame ‘di ba? wala namang nahuhuli. may kaniya-kaniya din tayong speed limit, maaaring mabagal sa kanya, pero pinakamabilis na iyon para sa’yo.

Nang magadbentyur ang lampa: Sagada (0208-1019)

Hello WordPress pips. How are you? I hope you’re all fine, and if you’ll ask me, I am. I just had a truly nice start of February, and I am going to blog about it in this post. :)

We went to a Sagada (with Banaue & Baguio side-) trip for 3days and 2nights together with my sister, her officemates, her officemates’ friends, and my dear friend, L.G. And men, it was so awesome! I never thought that I’ll be visiting the province this early month of the year. Actually, my friend and I originally planned to go to Kalinga, but because of some unpleasant turn of events, and as if in a perfect timing that my sister was also looking for a couple of people to complete their group of pax for a trip to Sagada, I asked my friend if we can fill up the empty spots. Glad that she said okay.

Our departure from Manila was Thursday night, so I had to file a leave as early as that day to prepare things and pack stuff. After that, I met with my friend in Eastwood, then we went straight to Cubao to meet my sister. From there, we traveled to SM North and met with others.

We were 8 in our group, plus 6 others (so that would be 14 in total) that were already in the van since we’re joiners (and we all hate that 6 loool but I don’t want to share anything about those pips, I am here to just reminisce the good thingsss hahahaha). So moving on. Our travel time to Banaue was approximately 8 long hours, with some stop over, of course.

The view was breathtakingly beautiful. Credits to Jhona for the landscape photos below:

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from l-r: Mich, Me, L.G, Kenia, Onang, Jhona.
I admit the the travel was a bit shaky for me since we were seated at the back of the van, (hindi kami nakatulog, nagdadasal ako buong biyahe lol). Kuya Janjan (our driver) was extremely a rough driver, but skilled enough.

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We had breakfast in a small carinderia in Banaue, and first day pa lang, broke na kami. lol. Food there is expensive.

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After an hour of travel again, we arrived at exactly 10am in our Hotel in Sagada.

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We were originally booked in Sagada Hub, but since the hotel was fully accommodated, and they already own the Indigenous Inn, we were moved there instead. We got keys for room 12 & 13. Our room is okay, but there were times that I think some elements / spirits were present in the room with us. Mehe.

We had 2 hours of free time before our first activity started, and those 2 hours were spent deciding on what activity to do first. After a while, we decided to go to Lumiang and Sumaging connecting cave for our first day. We started at exactly 1pm.

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from l-r: Onang, Jeyp, Mich, Jhona, Tristan, Kenia, Me, and L.G.
Well, for a first timer in spelunking, this was kinda intense. I literally freaked out (not much, but I freaked out) when I saw the holes that we need to go through, the steep and slippery rocks, and how dark the cave is. BUT!!! of course, I needed to get here out alive so I composed myself and pretended that I am strong. Mehe. Magaling naman ako sa gano’n, magpanggap na strong but deep inside susuko na. Charot.

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This life-risking idea was worth the try. The cave is so beautiful and the water is hellacious cold. What i meant for cold was the kind of cold that makes your body numb. There were times that I couldn’t move my foot because of it. Anyways, I’ll give you some pictures of the “life-risking” moment in the cave. You should really be physically fit for this activity though, glad that I still fit in the holes. Thought I would never make it. Sad reacts, but heart reacts too.
Credits again to Jhona’s cam (but it was Kuya Jordan who took the cave photos) below.

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Speaking of Kuya Jordan, he was our cave guide, together with Kuya “I’m Yours” (that’s the name he told us mehehe). Usually, they will teach us first how to climb and dance between rocks. They are kind too, and funny. I love their sense of humor. (So if you’re planning to visit Lumiang and Sumaging Cave too, I recommend Kuya Jordan and Kuya I’m Yours!!!

Anyways, I think the disadvantage side about entering the cave is they don’t provide helmets for tourists. The activity itself is really dangerous. Safety first is a must.

Well back to kuya Jordan, I had a little crush on him (hahaha we all had a secret crush on him) beccc men, he’s attractive and gentleman and he always waits for me huhu I’m such a weakling I know. See below for reference looool.

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I took a selfie with him, but won’t upload it here due to haggardness loool again.

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We got out of the cave I think past 5pm. Had dinner, clean thyselves, and sleep. We woke up at 3am and left the Hotel at 4am for our Second Day activity with our first destination that was guided again by Kuya Jordan: Marlboro Hills.

It was freaking cold. I can see our breaths while talking / breathing just like in movies that was set in a cold country! The plants are also frozen in crystals, and aaaah, it’s my first time to see it, I was truly amazed.

We waited for sunrise in Marlboro Hills and that moment was one of the most serene moments of my life. I thought of nothing, I just stared at the sun even it hurts my eyes, the still trees that sometimes dance, the misty mountains that invites me to visit them more. I wish I could stay there. Forever.

Our next destination was the Blue Soil.

We were actually tired after walking for almost 5 hours, but we still have one more destination to go. I was planning to not go to Bomod-ok falls and just wait for them in the van, but they say to not let go of the “chance”, it’s not everyday that you go here. So even though my thighs and legs and my whole body is screaming loudly of pain, I still went to Bomod-ok. Again, it’s worth it.

But before we proceed to Bomod-ok falls, we had lunch at the place called St. Matthew’s Episcopal Church, but unfortunately forgot the name of the restaurant that offers boodle-fight style menu. It was okay. Their juice is fresh. I like it. But their chicken is cold. Mehe. Everything is cold there. Unless you’re going to heat it.

Moving forward, after an hour or two of resting in the place, having a conversation and getting to know each other, we continue our journey.

There are almost more than a thousand steps before reaching Bomod-ok falls and the idea of climbing those stairs to get back to where our van was is already exhausting D:
That’s why we chose another path. Steeper than the stairs, but has more beautiful view.

Bomod-ok falls water is freakingly cold x 100 than Sumaging’s!!!! It’s like my blood stopped running lol. Pero actually, mas mahaba pa talaga yung nilakad namin sa in-stay namin sa falls kasi super lamig talaga. xD

I think we left Bomod-ok falls around 4pm, and took the trail less traveled lol. I mean, we didn’t choose to take the same path going to Bomod-ok falls. And we’re glad we didn’t. Because we experienced and we appreciated the beauty of Sagada more in the harder way. Harder way means, pataas talaga hingal si ako e. Nakakalula pa.

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Anyway, the name of our tour-guide to Bomod-ok is Ate Gladys. She is so kind and patient to us. Hope she smile a lot. :)

After Bomod-ok was Lake Danum — to hopefully watch the sunset. But to our disappointment, we didn’t see the sunset. We went back to hotel instead and choose to take a rest… not. Hehe. We actually played UNO cards in our room and drank a little of alcohol despite having tired bodies.

Our Day 3 was spent packing things up and going to Baguio. I must say that we didn’t actually enjoy the Baguio side trip due to limited time. We only got the chance to stop over at Good Shepherd, and spent an hour or two in Burnham Park to have lunch.

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We had lunch at Good Taste Resto, and the funny thing here: others are at the other branch while our feet (and google map) led us to the main branch. I AM SO EXHAUSTED walking almost 100 meters back and forth!!!

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I don’t have any idea that there are two branches of Good Taste in Baguio. My sister, friend, and I went to find the comfort room while the others went straight ahead to the resto to order food. Naloka ako, seryoso. Gutom much pagdating namin sa branch kung nasaan sila. :( hehe but again, worth it na naman — that lead to some realizations.

One thing I realized while in this trip.

“Nothing safe is worth the drive”. This is actually Taylor Swift’s lyrics in her Treacherous song. Well, my interpretation is this: if you never try something different or something that makes your heart pound at its fastest, you might be letting go of a beautiful chance.

So this, this was my journey to Sagada with some newly-found friends!!! I’d love to go back here someday. Maybe not to go spelunking or trekking, but to simply write… and maybe meet new people too. :)

Saturday Errands

It was a looong day yesterday, and I was so drained yet happy to spend my weekend with fun and awesome people — my temporary team in the office, and some good old friends since high school.

We had a team building in the morning, so at 9am, I prepared going to The Grounds Resort in Antipolo, Rizal even though the call time is 8. Haha! I only had an instant noodles for bfeakfast because I know there will be food in the resort. Hehe. The travel was only 45mins or so from home, so glad the traffic was not that bad yet. Halloween / All Souls Day is pretty fast approaching and some people are going home to their provinces, so heavy traffic and volume of passengers are expected.

When I arrived at the location, my first reaction was the place was sooo comfy and cozzzzy! I really love it.

The resort is located inside Ticzon Herbal Garden. You won’t notice it at first, but if you walk further you’ll see the resort. One good thing about the place is the neighboorhood is very quiet and calming, you wanted to stay there forever.

The very first thing you’ll notice upon entering is a pathway and a fountain. There are also some several objects around and I swear they are so damn cute!

I love the birdcages over there, I only wish there are really birds inside. I think it will add more effect in the place since it’ s already naturey~ Hehe.

This is one of my faaaave~ The Cabin is very cute! I thought it’s only for display but I learned that it’s going to be our room and we can use it for the day!

You’ll love it inside! A cute wood table of four will greet you when you open the door together with a sink and a refrigirator, and in its right are the bedssss, a sofa, and a tv. Yep. There are plenty of beds, and I think it’s for approx 20pax! It’s perfect for overnights and staycation with friendssss!

The place is very vintage feels too! I so love the bicycle over there, I wish I could take it home hahaha!

Let’s talk about the pool. I love the fact that even though it’s sunny that time, the water was still cold and refreshing! Anyway, credits to Czae for this pic, I just grabbed it from her fb accnt hehe. It’s me in the pool by the way. I’m such a loner, I know. 😅

Aside from the place is good, the team is also fun to be with and I think that’s what made it more enjoyable. We sang Karaoke, cooked food, and shared laughter together! I forgot for a while that they are my officemates, it seemed like they were all really my friends. Credits to Ate Jam for the pics above.

We parted ways at 5pm and I met with my highschool friends afterwards!

It has been two years or so since I had a decent get together with the three of them, I was absent when they get to spend staycation last time somewhere in Cubao together with other friends, ’cause things were not really going pretty then for me, so I’m glad that I finally had time to catch up yesterday.

The funny thing is, even though a year or two has passed, it feels like it’s only months ago since we last met. You can really be comfortable with people you knew and knew you even after a long time.

We had dinner at Chubby Cheeks (???? I really forgot the name haha) Kamayan Restaurant in Angono, and stayed somewhere drinking milktea and frappe while talking about everything until 12am. Hehe. How I wish we could stay longer.

I realized that we are not getting any younger and I also noticed our improvement in terms of ~physical~ and ~emotional~ matter. We are really in the adulthood stage omg. :'(

So todaaaaay I’m also excited because I’m going to meet with some college friends. Hihi

panaginip

darating ang isang araw na akala mo ay iba sa maraming araw na alam mo na ang nangyari.

sa araw na iyon ay hindi ka makakaalis at patuloy kang magpapaikot ikot sa malalaking alon at bagyo sa gitna ng dagat habang kausap mo ang isa sa pinaka importanteng tao sa iyong buhay at sinasabi mo ang lahat ng iyong nasaksihan upang maiwasan ang mga kaganapan. muli siyang magpapaalam sa’yo kahit matagal na siyang wala. hihingi siya ng tawad dahil iyon lang ang kaya niyang gawin. iiyak ka ng iiyak. hindi mo gustong iwan ka nila, pero mangyayari pa rin ang dapat na mangyari.

darating ang pagtatapos, kailangan magsindi ng apoy at hindi mo alam kung para saan. ilang beses mamamatay ang liyab dahil sa hangin, ngunit sisindihan muli. subalit ito’y mamamatay pa rin.

sa huli ay matatanggap mo na lamang na hindi magtatagumpay ang alab kung ito’y pinipilit lang. sa huli ay matatanggap mo na rin na susunod pa rin ang tadhana sa naaayon niyang gawin.

Meh.

I’ve been staring at my laptop’s screen for more than thirty minutes now, (and now an hour has passed, just to finish this post) trying to find the right words on how I should explain what I feel.

Empty? No. I know I feel something.
Bothered? Maybe? But to what?
Tired? Exhausted? Burnout? Anxious? Yes? But definitely not depressed.

I’ve been repressing my thoughts and emotions these past few months, hoping that if I don’t entertain them, they would stop. But I was wrong. And now it grew this much.

People who really knew me knows how much I love to write or talk to them about anything. Especially what I’m feeling. But now even that, I find too tiring. I don’t know why though. Parang nagsawa na ako. 

I haven’t been able to write also, or talk to a friend at least. One of the reasons is we are all busy. I am very busy. Wala akong time makadama ng kahit na ano, wala akong time gumawa ng kahit na ano. But at night when I’m travelling home, or when I’m about to sleep, my chest feels heavy. I suddenly want to cry, or scream, or just dance, or throw everything my hand could hold. Ang gulo diba? Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo.

Even though I am able to do a lot at work, and finish all the jobs that are assigned to me, it seems that it’s still not enough; that I don’t achieve anything; that my life’s still stagnant. Walang fulfillment. Walang development. Wala pa rin kahit na parang ang dami mo nang nagawa.

Maybe I’m just tired — sa work (???). Or maybe there’s nothing new anymore. Everything just became a routine. I’ll wake up at 3am, go to work at 5, be at the office before 7, will render at least 4 hours of overtime, will go home. Sleep for 5 hours, lucky if I get home early and there’s no traffic. Repeat the cycle. Every. Boring. Day.

But.

I’m still thankful that I am able to experience this. Means I’m still alive yeah?

But again.

UGH I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe I’ll just sleep.

Nang magadbentyur ang lampa: First hike: Mt. Masungki

I couldn’t think of any title for this post plus feeling ko ‘yan ang mas appropriate para rito, and I admit na lampa naman talaga ako, so ayun. Siguro, ito na rin ang gagamitin ko sa mga susunod kong adbentyur. ;)

Anyway, our original plan was to climb Nagpatong Rock, pero sabi ng tour guide namin, named kuya Edward, mas okay raw na unahin namin ang Mt. Masungki para ‘pag uuwi na, tuloy tuloy na yung daan papunta sa Nagpatong. We really have no idea na sobrang hardcore (for beginners) na pala nung Mt. Masungki at akala namin simpleng akyat lang talaga. Kaya nag ‘G’ kami. Yun pala, nag tindi. Tipong ‘di na namin kakayanin mag-isa pang bundok after. Mehehe. Hindi rin naman pala alam ng tour guide namin na first timers kami. Hahaha!

Wala akong docu kung gaano kahaba ang binaybay ng trike namin papunta sa Brgy. Cuyambay, but swear, sobrang layo. It’s not my first time going to Tanay, pero ang layo pala talaga nung Brgy. Cuyambay. Nadaanan pa nga namin ang Sierra Madre resort e. But ayun, going back to Brgy. Cuyambay, nagpunta muna kami sa Tourism office nila para magparegister. Good catch na rin na nag-trike kami from Tanay hanggang sa Brgy. Cuyambay kahit na mas mahal. 500php ang binayad namin sa trike, but kung magjejeep ka from Tanay hanggang Sampaloc, 28php ang fair then 50php per head sa trike papuntang rgy. Cuyambay. Mas maganda talaga kung meron kayong sasakyan. Less hassle.

Moving forward, 100php ang registration per person ng 500php for the tour guide. Minimum members ay 5 per group, but since anim kami at pinayagan naman, mas maliit ang hatian.

IMG_5204Here’s Nica and me. Kami na lang yung dinala ni Kuyang Trike Driver para magparegister sa toursim office ng Brgy. Cuyambay kasi matarik yung dadaanan.

IMG_5205

From left to right, Shine, Steve, Rona, Kuya Jhen, Me, Kuya Edward (our tour guide) and Nica in front.

IMG_5296It was exciting and fun at first kasi hindi mo pa dama ang pagod, pero kapag tumatagal, pahirap na ng pahirap. Nahilo pa nga ako, at legit na nanikip ang dibdib ko, wala pa kami sa kalagitnaan kaya naman binuhat na ng kasama ko ang aking bag. Super thankful talaga na ang babait nila at inaalalayaan ako palagi. The best talaga ang mga boys ng BFA batch 2017! Huhu. Feeling ko nga super pabigat ako sa kanila kasi napapabagal ang akyat namin dahil sa akin.

IMG_5301May mga nadaanan kaming iba pang bundok, pero wala siyang OL at part talaga siya ng way papunta sa Mt. Masungki.

IMG_5306May major stop over sa Mt. Ikmo, bale may tables do’n and mini tindahan. Ang cool nga ng mga signages, sayang hindi ko napicture-an. Nung una hindi ko maintindihan kasi akala ko yun yung tawag sa kanila like, kunwari, may isang sinkhole kaming nadaanan, then may nakalagay do’n “SING CHOLE”. Akala ko yun yung name nung butas, hindi pala. Narealize ko na lang nung nakakita pa ako ng isa pang signage, sabi “COME SIGHT” tas may kubo dun. “CAMP SITE” pala ang ibig sabihin. Mehehe.

20180331_100207.jpgMahaba-habang akyat din yung nangyari, siguro inabot ng 3hrs? Kasi patigil-tigil kami gawa nga sa akin. Nadudulas ako tas nasusubsob, then hinihingal pa. Hindi naman kasi ako pala-labas at taong kwarto lang talaga ako plus, lampa nga kasi talaga kaya ayon. I feel bad lang kasi parang ang laki kong sagabal talaga e. Hahaha!

But ayun, despite of the pauses and breaks that we had to take para lang makahabol ako, nakaakyat naman kami sa itaas.

Friends, I must say hindi madali. Lalo na for me dahil I am scared of heights. Umiiyak ako habang tinatawid yung isang bato pappunta sa isa pang bato para maakyat namin yung tuktok ng Masungki. Mabuti na lang talaga inaalalayan ako ng mga kasama kong lalaki. Nahiya nga ako e, yung girl friend nung isa hindi niya naalalayan kasi ako yung inaalalayan. :(

20180331_100434.jpgThe view was breathtaking. Hindi ko nakunan yung iba pang side kasi lulang-lula na ako. Pakiramdam ko hinahatak ako ng gravity pababa e.

Syempre, dahil successful namin naiakyat ang Mt. Masungki, ‘di pwedeng walang pictures. Ang cool nga ng tour guide namin kasi ang ganda ng mga shots niya!

IMG_5392IMG_5395IMG_5402IMG_5507Hindi ko akalain na makakaakyat ako sa ganito. I am so proud of myself, really. Iniyakan ko itong akyat na ito kasi hindi talaga ako dapat papayagan, at ayun, umiyak din ako while climbing, pero worth it lahat ng tears! Nakailang “Thank you Lord” din ako habang tinatahak ang bundok na ito e.

IMG_5515Ang dungis ko, sobra. Ako ang pinakamadungis sa amin gawa ng ako ang pinaka maraming subsob at dulas. Hahaha! And now, super sakit ng katawan ko. I can’t even sit without feeling pained. Huhu.

But wait! There are three things that I realized sa akyat na ito and I just want to include them in this post:

  1. Mahal ko pala talaga ang buhay ko. It’s true that you’ll do everything to survive — you’ll forget your fears, you’ll neglect the pain, and you’ll do whatever it takes just to survive.
  2. In every pain and hardship comes happiness and ease. Nakakapagod, oo. Sumakit buong katawan ko, oo. Nadulas ako, nasubsob ako, nagasgasan ako, nagkaroon ako ng pasa, at naiyak ako kasi ang hirap, oo, pero masaya. Worth it lahat sa dulo lalo na nung nasa taas na, especially nung nakababa na not just nakaya namin, but because safe kaming lahat nakababa. Hahaha!
  3. Difficult situation makes a lot easier if you’re with the right people. Hindi lang sa akyat na ito, kasi totoo naman ‘di ba? Dumadali ang isang bagay kung tamang tao ang mga kasama mong gumawa nito. Sometimes, they become your motivation too, or inspiration para ipagpatuloy yung ginagawa mo.

So yeaaaah, I’ll look forward sa next kong adbentyur. Sobrang nag-enjoy ako rito kahit ngayon I feel like baldado. Nawala rin lahat ng iniisip ko, at pumalit lang kung paano ako makakauwi ng buhay e! Hahaha! I’ll look forward sa next kong adbentyur, and I hope sila pa rin ang kasama ko. ;)

P.S. almost of the photos were grabbed from Nica. ^_^

Ilang “thoughts” at kadramahan

March na, and time is really passing by so fast! Dahil wala akong magawa at naisipan kong mag-stay lang sa bahay today, I decided to compile some of my “thoughts” entries ko sa “notes” ng aking phone here, in case, magloko ng tuluyan ang aking phone.

Whenever I’m alone, or while on the way to office, I think of some things and ideas that really matter to me. Nakakatawang basahin yung iba, becasue sobrang negative at talagang makikita mong nasa down moments ako, but the other notes seemed okay, and very uplifting. I suddenly realized na ang dami ko na palang nare-realize, and then kapag bumabalik ulit ako sa down state, nalilimutan ko yung mga na-realize ko na. It’s really true that we always learn something from our experiences, but eventually, kapag may nakapagpadown ulit sa atin ten times of the previous, nalilimutan natin yung mga lesson na nakuha natin do’n.

Well, I just like to share to this blog some of my thoughts, starting from July last year. Some of them, you may find so random, and uhm, i guess a bit odd. I’ll also try to remember the exact feeling and the reason why I wrote that.

“July 11, 2017

The one person who you always thought would be there in your up and down moments will slowly fade and drift away. I guess this is a part of being a fully-grown adult, from which an aspect of your life is eventually narrowing, where letting people go and them leaving you would just become normal. In the end you don’t have a choice, but to comprehend and accept the fact that people are not meant to stay.”

Well, uh, in this thought, I think I was experiencing an extreme separation anxiety from the people I used to be with before graduation. I must say now, hindi pala dapat “narrowing” yung term ko. I should have used the term “expanding/broadening” kasi lumalawak yung pangunawa mo. I guess what I meant in “narrowing” is nababawasan ang mga tao sa buhay mo, but that’s okay, kasi ang matitira na lang ay yung mga kailangan mo at kailangan ka.

“July 25, 2017

One factor why we are hurting is because we assume for things that doesn’t really exist – a feeling, an attention, a romantic relationship that’s actually sympathetic.

Sometimes, we only make our own heartaches.”

Oh well, things were really confusing before and people are making it more complicated. I was torn between two people I had feelings with.

“August 11, 2017

How is it illogical to compare your interest in buying books to your interest of getting inked? Pareho mo silang desire, kaya same-same lang. Iyon iyon. Whether it’s not for investment, it’s for yourself naman. You’re fulfilling your satisfaction. Bakit kailangan lahat ng gagawin mo nakabubuti sa ekonomiya?”

Oh, I remember this. My brother and I were arguing about his partner getting inked. He got mad because his partner got a tattoo, and I said that’s okay, let his partner do whatever his partner wants. I compared it to someone’s interest to buy books that that someone really wanted. Sabi ko, ‘di ba kapag gustong gusto mo, bibilhin mo? And you’ll be happy kapag nabili mo na. Then he said, it’s different. Kasi yung books, pwede mong maging investment, may makukuha kang knowledge na pwede mo i-share sa iba. Sa pagta-tattoo daw wala, mag-aaksaya ka lang ng pera. He didn’t get my point. What I’m saying is, yung “joy/happiness” na makukuha mo kapag nagawa mo yung gusto mo / nabili mo yung gusto mo. I was really mad kasi hindi siya nagpapatalo, pinasok pa niya ang politika. Syempre, ang ending, siya na ang may last say kasi wala na akong masasabi kapag may usaping politika na. But in the end naman, wala siyang nagawa kundi tanggapin na may tattoo na yung artner niya e. Mehehe.

“August 17, 2017

blank mind, occupied feelings

tho it weigh to much, i feel like flying.

am i just confused? i don’t know

nothing is having sense now.”

Ah, the moment when I was having a hard time thinking if I should be continuing what I started. I really wanted to do something else, pero hindi ko alam paano ako magsisimula at kung ano ang mangyayari if ever itigil ko man ang ginagawa ko — work related. Hahaha

“August 5, 2017

For  a moment she thought

everything is real.

In that fleeting time it brought

too many feels.

She refused to get hurt

that’s why she’s stopping (trying to)

Though it all seemed to blur

her hope’s still knocking (even if she doesn’t want it to)”

Love. Let us all blame it to love. Hahaha! But I guess, hindi pa naman siguro “love” yung nafefeel ko no’n. Lonely lang siguro ako, at, longing.

“August 20, 2017

Naniniwala pa rin ako sa sinasabi nilang bumabalik ang pagmamahal.”

Hindi ito yung buong entry, but this is the whole thought. Ewan, ang drama ko nito. Na-realize ko na kahit ilang beses akong balewalain, I’ll still be that same person na pwede mong puntahan uli to be a friend, kahit ilang beses mo pang iwanan para sa iba. Kasi naniniwala ako, na kapag ako naman yung umalis, mayroon pa ring tatanggap sa akin.

“September 13, 2017

Bakit nga ba tayo nananatili at umaasang lahat ng ginagawa natin sa iba ay babalik? Malasakit pa rin ba ang tawag do’n o pagmamahal kung iyon ang nasa isip natin?”

See. Wala pang isang buwan, kinontra ko na agad ang sinabi ko sa last note. Ang funny talaga ng mind natin mag-create ng iisipin just because sa pangyayari.

“November 12, 2017

Isang salop ng pagdududa

Ga-kutsritang pag-asa

Mala-dagat na kaba,

ang lumulunod sa kaniya.

Tatlong dipa sa pagkakamali,

matinding takot na ‘di maikukubli

Milyong kilometrong layo sa tagumay

at mga paang pagal na sa paghakbang.”

I think things went well for a month, kasi wala akong thoughts nung October. But of course, may mga point pa rin talaga sa life natin na magiging down tayo ulit, at magdududa tayo ulit, at manghihina tayo ulit. Tapos magiging okay, and then babalik sa hindi pagiging okay. Ang hirap pala talagang ma-achieve ang stable na mindset.

“December 22, 2017

Pwede pa rin pala ‘yon. you can still love a person even though wala na kayong label. You can still care for a person, and you still have the rights to be concerned kahit wala ka ng papel sa buhay niya. 

Free naman kasing makaramdam ng love e.”

I can’t exactly remember why I wrote this. I think because I got a chance to see an old friend and we were talking about her ex? Hahaha!

“December 27, 2017

Bakit ba napakahirap na maging totoo sa nararamdaman? Yung tipong gusto mong humindi, pero dahil iniisip mo ang magiging epekto nito sa taong hihindian mo ay mapapa-oo ka na lang. Kompromiso. Palagi kang nakokompromiso. Ikaw palagi ang nag-aadjust sa sitwasyon. At kahit ikaw na mismo ang nahihirapan ay gagawin mo pa rin, kahit hindi talaga okay sa’yo. Pagpapakaplastik ba ‘yon? O pagmamalasakit? Pagpapakamartir ba ‘yon? O pagmamahal? Nakakalito. Minsan masarap na lang magsawalambahala ng lahat e.”

Confused na naman ako nung time na ito. I couldn’t recognize which is which anymore. At hindi ko matandaan bakit ako nagda-drama. Ito yata yung time na… merong bumalik? And I’m not sure kung gusto kong tanggapin ulit. But because iniisip ko ang mararamdaman niya, tinanggap ko uli.

“January 17, 2018

Tao lang ako, magkakamali ako. Pero kahit anong mangyari, desisiyon ko ito.

Yah. That’s the best that I’ve heard this day. Totoo. Sa bawat pagkakamali, bawat sakit, bawat pagkakadapa, desisiyon natin ‘yon. Tayo ang may gawa no’n. At tayo ang mag-e-earn ng lessons sa mga nangyari. And that’s good. :)”

I was listening to a radio show. Yung scenario ata is, pinagbabawalan nung kuya yung kapatid niya na mag boyfriend. Silang dalawa na lang kasi. Then si kapatid ayaw ng magpadikta at gusto ng sundin ang puso. Hindi ko nalaman ang ending, kasi kailangan ko ng bumaba ng uv. But yung line na ‘yan ang tumatak sa akin.

“January 27, 2018

littered —

just like pieces of paper,

all dusty, all crumpled;

a forgotten coin in a losr waallet,

and a rusty tin can in a bucket.

this thing i don’t understand

it makes me lost, oh my mind.

do i have a place in anyone’s heart?

coz i cannot find in mine.”

See how my mood in just 10 days can change. Hahaha! From being positive again to becoming negative. Is it natural?

“February 6, 2018

It’s all in  my head. Everything that I thought and feel is in my head. All produced by my mind. Kaya ako nasasaktan, kaya ako nafu-frustrate. it’s because iniisip kong nasasaktan at nafu-frustrate ako. Dapat kung nasasaktan ako, I should try healing myself. If nafu-frustrate ako, I should try harder, or do something to not feel frustrated. It’s me. Ako lang talaga ang problema. I complicate things and I hate it.”

Obviously, I’m trying to lift up myself. Kinakain na kasi ako ng mga iniisip ko. Nireremind ko ang sarili ko na hindi naman magulo, ako lang ang nagpapagulo. At kung magulo, dapat kayanin kong ayusin, dapat kong ayusin.

But the next days, I still feel down. Ayaw kong pumasok no’n, pero wala akong choice kundi pumasok at gawin ang mga dapat kong gawin.

“February 16, 2018

Dear old self,

I don’t know if you’ll be disappointed or proud of what you have become now, but I hope you won’t stop achieving greater things in life. 

Things might be difficult for you in the days to come, but I swear, it will all be fine one day. I hope by then, you could make up your mind and follow the path you would really like to take in the first place. I hope you would not let the opportunity to just sit there, and eventually fade in time. I hope you cam really do the things you love, and I hope you would not give up on reaching them one by one.

And oh, please do take care and prepare yourself for there will be many heartbreaks on the road.”

Again, exactly 10 days, I decided to write to my old self, in a parallel universe, just in case she really exists. and just in case she still have the chance to change anything. I’m not saying that I want to change everything, and that I regret the things I did. But I wish, she will have the courage to do and take things I couldn’t before.

“February 20, 2018

She was the tough one

a rock that blocks the waves

the bamboo on a stormy day

the little child who’s still awake in the middle of the night.

it’s okay, that’s what she always says

because she knew that everything fades

she knew how to act in different stages

but about everything, she didn’t knew.

She was the tough one.

though one day, she’s not anymore.

she wanted to cry for help, just once

however, her voice seemed to run out.”

Re-reading all of the notes tell me that moods, emotions, and feelings are all temporary. one day, you’re feeling okay, then the next, you’re not. But at the end of it, it’s how you manage is what’s important.

Ang dami ko pang thoughts entries, pero hindi ko na sinama yung iba. Tungkol lang naman yun sa nagdududa kong nararamdaman sa isang tao. Mapanlinlang ang damdamin, friends.