The wall that can’t be seen, but felt.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and emotionally sad while writing this. But there’s this feeling that says I should write everything in my mind, so here it is.

Sigh.

To the person that I will forever cherish,

I know I should be happy for you, because finally (not sooner, but possibly soon), there will be a person who will reciprocate your effort and feelings. A person who will take care of you, who will hold your hand anytime, and who will, for the first time,  save you from your nightmares and frustrations — all of these which I can not do.

I wanted to say I’m sorry for not being able to return everything that you gave; for not taking the same steps that you took; for not looking at your direction. I wanted to say I’m sorry, for not holding your hands when you needed warmth, for not hugging you tight when I had the chance, and for not saying things that will lessen your burden.

I wanted to say I’m sorry, for taking things for granted — for taking you for granted — and for not realizing sooner what’s behind your every actions and comforting words.

I wanted to say I’m sorry, for taking much of your time, and because of that, you had less for yourself.

And I’m sorry, for feeling selfish right now.

I know soon, you’ll have someone aside from me. And as your dear friend, my role is to be happy for you, but now… I can’t help but to feel so sad upon hearing and reading your happy thoughts regarding that matter. I am asking myself why. Was it the fact that sooner, I’ll be forgotten again? Or the fact the sooner, I won’t be needed by you anymore?

Or maybe I was just saddened by the thought that you and me won’t have the time, moment, and chances like we had before?

I don’t know.

I’m not sure why.

But regardless of whatever this is, if ever you need someone, I’m just here.

I’ll still be here.

The ending that is hard to take.

A new journey has ended for us, but the process of learning will never ever stop. 

Yesterday is one of the most important days for me, and I am truly grateful that I was able to celebrate it with the love(s) of my life. I am happy to be finally stepping out my college life and now re-entering the real world again. It scares me, though, because I know it won’t be as easy as the last time. But yeah, I’ll just follow the road I plan to take. This time… I will pursue the things I want to do and follow the dreams I once made when I was younger.

But somehow, the thought of not being with my friends / classmates that I consider as a family in the following days saddens me. I was used to waking up in the morning with the idea of seeing them later on inside or outside the campus for almost every day. Then now, we will be on our own, and will be waking up every morning to find each purpose in life separately. Hay. Time flies really fast. But this is the reality… The ending that is hard to take for me — the part of separating ways.

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I never knew that they would be this special to me. But now, they’ve brought so much memories to keep. Even though some of us didn’t make it to the end, and even though some of us decided to just let go of their dreams of finishing college and left early to find something worthy, they’d been a part of the group that I will treasure forever.

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I will miss the exchange of corni jokes and nonsense stories, and playing uno cards during our break time.

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I will miss the looong walk under the hottest days that we always do when we’re bored… and also because we don’t have enough money to take jeepneys / trike just to reach the places we would like to go. Haha.

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I will miss the unexpected vacation and journey to some places we’re not familiar with.

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I will miss the late night shoots for our avps & short films, and the staying up all night for video editing.

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I will miss the tambay moments in the nearest mall, the movie marathons, the overnights with smooth and sincere talks, the misunderstandings too… every thing.

They made me feel better just by being with them. It’s like I am with the people who truly understands me and my views in life. They’ve been a part of my improvement… and they’ve become more than a family.

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They are home. 

Clingy as it may seem, but I miss them already. I just hope nobody forgets.

Because I will never ever forget them.

Sana…

“Kaya nung sinabi niya na gusto ka niya, nainis ako kasi bakit parang gano’n na lang kadali ang umamin? Sana kinaibigan ka muna niya.. Sana nakita niya muna yung mga nakita ko. Sana may ginawa muna siya para sa’yo. Ang dami kong sana…”

Sana kaya ko rin ibalik lahat, lahat – hindi lang mga ginawa mo, kundi maging ang nararamdaman mo. Pero sorry kaibigan, hindi ko talaga kaya.

Sana normal na lang yung gano’n. Yung kahit maibalik ko yung kung anong ibinibigay mo, walang magagalit, walang magsasabing mali. Pero kasi, kahit naman na pilitin kong gawing tama, ay hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya.

Sana pwede kong pawiin lahat nung sakit, o kaya kabiguan mo sa pag-iisip na hindi ka magiging masaya sa gano’ng bagay. Pero kahit na sabihin kong someday ay may darating na gagawa nang mga iyan, ay alam kong hindi ka pa rin lubos na magiging masaya dahil sa hinahawakan mong paniniwala.

Masakit malaman na gano’n pala talaga, but at the same time, masaya. Dahil alam kong may isang taong walang ibang gugustuhin kundi ang nakabubuti para sa akin. Sa kabilang banda, nakakalungkot… kasi gusto ko ikaw rin maging masaya. Gaya ng kagustuhan mong maging masaya ako.

Salamat. Salamat sa lahat. Gusto kong maiyak. Nakalulungkot.

Nakakadisappoint din, dahil all this time, buong akala ko ay ibang tao. Narinig ko pa nga ang mga hinaing mo, binigyan pa nga kita ng mga advise, tapos malalaman ko na ang totoo, ako pala talaga iyon at hindi ang pangalang nabanggit mo. Dapat noong tinanong kita kung sino, ay sinabi mo na ang katotohanan.

Sana tama ang naaiisip ko… na product lang lahat ng utak mo. Na iniisip mo lang na mayroon kang naramdaman – nararamdaman – ewan.

Sana hindi ko na lang pala nalaman.

Thoughts at 1:43pm

I scanned through my old slumbook and I was laughing hard while reading the contents. Really, being a highschooler was fun and was full of “kakornihan” esp. when it comes to “love”. Shaks. The memories were still vivid in my mind and I can say that I was really hopeless (up until now I guess?) back then, and all I know was do things for my crush to notice me. Hahaha. How pitiful, eh?

I was smiling too while reading the “message to the owner” part. It was touching, though I was smirking ’cause uh… I didn’t know and I can’t believe they wrote things like that.

Some said that they are thankful for the friendship, and some said they are sorry for everything. Some also said that I can count on them if I have problems and they can always lend a hand if I need one. They also said that I should not change and just stay the same.

Some said that they will never ever forget about me.

I just wonder… do they still remember the things they wrote down in that slum note few years ago? Do they still remember that they said they’d be a friend for me? That I can always tap their shoulders and ask for help anytime? Do they? It’s funny how they said it simply. Did they mean it? Were those words sincere? If it was, how come we all grew up apart without keeping in touch?

How come I’m the only one remembering now?

Somehow, I find it unfair and disappointing to the both side — theirs and mine. Those people who wrote in my slumbook, did they consider me as a real friend? Did we really became friends? Did I consider them as MY friends?

Maybe yes, in that moment only. But it’s sad to think that some feelings are really just temporary, and some friendships and relationships are made just for the sake of what you have in that time.

I guess what you feel today might not be the same as to what you’ll be feeling tomorrow. And the people who you will call friends can become just an acquaintance as time passes. Or… Maybe I lacked effort too and didn’t give my best in communicating them, or in asking them how they are. Maybe somehow, even though I didn’t want to, I changed. I became a person that they weren’t expecting me to become. However, I’m grateful to have those people who stick with me until now.

The time, plus the challenges you faced and will be facing, will really filter the people who will be there for you no matter what. I know I only have a few of them, but I’m blessed enough to have some people who are close in my heart then and now. :)

Ang walang hanggang tots tungkol sa pag-ibig. (Kailan nga ba matatapos ang mga tanong…?)

Pagod na ako, pero ang utak ko hindi pa rin mapakali sa kaiisip. Siguro nalamanan na naman ng mga katanungan… na siyempre, may kinalaman tungkol dun sa title.

As usual, napag-usapan na naman ang tungkol sa pag-ibig. Wala yatang araw na magkakasama kami ng mga kaibigan ko na hindi namin iyon napag-usapan. Hindi ko na nga matandaan kung kailan ang huling beses na hindi iyon ang topic. Tch.

Kadiri, kabilang talaga kami sa mga hopeless romantic na taong lihim na naghahanap at naghihintay sa kanilang greatest love. Pucha, di na rin naman kasi ako bumabata, hello! Pero yeah, magapakabisi pa akong magpayaman. May mga maghihintay naman eh! Char! Kunwari mahaba buhok ko.

Pero ah, speaking of greatest love. Ayon kasi sa nabasa kong libro, magkaiba raw ang “greatest love” mo sa “correct love” mo. Saang libro? Para Kay B ni Ricky Lee. At narealize ko na… oo. May pagkakaiba nga sila.

Kaso itong si friend, nung nabanggit ko sa kaniya ‘yon, ang sabi niya… “Magkaiba pa ba ang great love sa correct love?” na kapag daw pinili mo ang correct love ay yun na yung great love, kasi iyon yung best eh. Maski ako nalito, pero siyempre, iba kasi yung point.

Ang point kasi… dapat ang makakatuluyan mo ay ang correct love mo. Kasi iyon yung tama eh. Correct nga eh, hello. Ayon ang dapat — para walang masaktan, walang maipit, walang ibang mahihirapan. In short, para lahat happy. Malaki kasi ang tendency na ikaw lang at ang great love mo ang magiging masaya kung iyon ang pipiliin mo. Masaya ka nga, pero deep inside you know, at sa tingin ng iba hindi tama.

Isa pang katanungan na gumugulo sa isip ko na kaakibat nung una. Paano kung kailangan mong pumili between your “choice” and your “love“? For example, may mahal ka, pero hindi siya ang pinili / pipiliin mo dahil sa mabigat na rason, masasabi mo bang mahal mo pa rin siya eh nag-let go ka? Shaks ‘no. Dito na yata pumapasok yung tanong na… mahal mo ba talaga kasi pinakawalan mo o hindi kasi hindi mo pinaglaban? Nakakadugo. Ang sarap ngang gawan ng story, ta’s yung ending ko pinili niya yung “love” niya pero kasi ang hirap kalabanin nung reason eh. Ang challenging! Pero at the same time, nakakalungkot isipin. Kasi… bakit may pagtingin na mali about sa love? At bakit kailangan mong pumili?

Ahh, naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi ng kapatid kong panganay… “Nagiging tama o mali lang naman ang pag-ibig depende sa taong tumitingin”. ‘Di ko nagets nung una ko iyang narinig, pero ngayon naiintindihan ko na. Siguro nga… nasa tao na lang ang kasagutan sa mali o tamang pagmamahal.

Kung makasulat naman ako rito, akala mo naman sobrang expert ko na sa pag-ibig, but the truth is, maski ako nag-iisip kung talaga bang nakaranas na ako ng gano’n. Or kung alam ko ba talaga ang ibig sabihin no’n. Yung true love, ika nga, sa isang tao. Eh kasi, ang pananaw ko na ngayon sa ganiyan, puro feelings na lang eh. Kumbaga, emosiyon mo lang iyan na nararamdaman. Mababago. Mawawala. Pero ang sagwa naman kung ang panghahawakan mo na lang ay ang “commitment”. Ang sound bitter ano. Pero kasi… hindi ba nagsisimula lang naman ang lahat sa isang katiting na emosiyon? Tapos saka na lang madedevelop.

Pero ah, ewan. Hindi ko pa nga rin naiintindihan ng lubos. Sabagay, iba-iba naman kasi talaga ang klase ng pag-ibig. Iba-iba ang paraan ng mga tao para maparamdam nila iyon sa’yo.

Pero ah ulit.

Lutang na ako. I must rest.

What must I say?

Months had passed and I’m still trying to think of what I should put here in my blog. I admit that I don’t have enough inspiration to write or enough motivation to create some masterpieces to share here and yeah I just feel like floating every day — aside from being busy in school (and hooray! There are only few days left before graduation!).

Truthfully speaking, I think I already forgot how to write and put my feelings into words. There were nights that I really wanted to finish a chapter or an essay — a poem at least, but I always ended up staring the monitor for hours. I feel disappointed and frustrated that I have many pending works in my folder. I’m thinking maybe reality are slowly kicking in, and I am gradually entering the real world — which means no more day dreaming and childish stuff – whatsoever.

Well, many things happened and many things have changed in terms of my lifestyle, perception in life, and sensitivity to the people around me — and I still don’t know if it’s for the better… or worse.

As I type this, I am thinking the down moments I had last year. The most “painful” month for me was approaching soon and I am grateful to say that I was able to recover quickly. My broken heart was healed faster than I expected. Though there are still some times that I remember every painful things I experienced, but managed to overcome with the help of my friends and family — good bye to a broken heart and an unclear mind!

These past few months weren’t easy too, though. My bags under my eyes became luggage due to the making of our thesis. It was a hell week for us. We weren’t able to have a normal sleep during those moments and we considered ourselves lucky if we can have at least an hour of nap. And yes friends, thesis can destroy friendship! But since we’re close enough to talk about issues, we managed to finish it still friends. He he he.

I can’t make a list of all what happened but this one thing made me bothered big time:

A friend confessed his feelings to me.

At first, I thought it was only a joke (because I am used to him being the joker of the class) and I was confidently riding it without any meaning. So when the day came that he said he really have a feeling for me, that was when I became bothered. I said it was fine for me that he has feelings and agreed to act cool about it and stay friends for now, but honestly, it wasn’t easy to be around him for days. I can feel the awkwardness and discomfort between the two of us and I’m not used to that. Tho I can see that he’s trying to talk to me about that matter but still, I feel anxious. But yeah, every thing could be settled in a sensible talk and conversation so we’re okay now… as friends. Honestly, I was willing to entertain him (if he’s really gonna woo me) and was hoping for something to bloom but then I realized, I am not yet ready for another love and deep relationship. My family and career is my focus for now.

Anyways, my favorite moment so far is our Sakbay and Toga pictorial. We had our official Sakbay pictorial last March 16 and last week was our not-so-official-coz-we-just-set-up-a-studio Toga pictorial in a classmate’s house. Happiness is all over me because I can finally sense the success!!! Kidding. But uhuh, the pictures always put a smile on my face whenever I see them in my laptop just waiting for the right time to upload. Hihihi.

And oh! Of course! My favorite too was that I got the chance to visit Puerto Princesa, Palawan last February with my co-school publication staffers and editors for the 16th Luzonwide Press Conference! Tho I wasn’t able to win the the category I joined, still, I’m happy to finally get to ride an airplane! It was a wonderful experience for me! Yay!

I am excited too for the grad ball and the graduation day! I am excited for the dresses I will be wearing, for the pictures I will be taking, for the food that I will be eating, and for the moments that I will be creating and capturing with my friends inside and outside the school.

And of course, I am excited for the road I will be taking after graduation. :)

Nakaharang na sakit

Muntikan ko nang makalimutan na naging masaya pala ako noong kasama kita. Marahil napuno lang ako ng sakit, o nahaharangan lang nito ang masasayang ala-ala, kaya nalimot kong marami pala akong hindi dapat kalimutan na ala-ala nating dalawa.

Naipaliwanag ko na ito sa ilan. Na siguro kaya mas pinili kong hindi alalahanin, ay dahil ang una kong nararamdaman ay sakit at sama ng loob bago ko pa man tuluyang mabalikan ng tanaw ang naging pagsasama natin.

Kumbaga, bago pa ako makarating sa parte ng utak ko kung saan nakatago ang masayang memorya, dadaan muna ako sa nakaharang na sakit at ito ang una kong mararamdaman.

Gano’n eh. Kada silip ko sa saya (yung saya nating dalawa), hindi maiiwasang may kumurot sa puso ko. At dahil ayoko nang masaktan, kakalimutan ko na lang na nais ko uling makita ang mga ala-alang pinagsaluhan natin.

Nakalimutan ko na minsan kong sinabing willing akong mag-let go para sa iyong kasiyahan. Nakalimutan ko na minsan kong tinatak sa isip ko na magiging masaya ako basta’t masaya ka. At kaya ko siguro nasabi ang mga iyon dahil hindi ko pa alam ang sakit na maaari kong maramdaman… na ngayon ay nalampasan ko na.

Kaya nga lang, dahil sa nakaalis na ako at nalagpasan ko na ang parte kung nasaan ang sakit, nahihirapan akong balikan ang masasaya dahil sa ang sakit muna ang una kong madadaanan bago pa man makarating sa masayang pupuntahan.

Pero, siguro naman ay darating pa rin ang panahon na tuluyan nang mawawala ang sakit at malaya ko na ulit mababalikan ang masasayang ala-ala na naiwan mo sa akin.

“Blend”

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A vector portrait ft. Saoirse Ronan

Paano mo malalaman na mahal mo na ang isang tao (in a romantic way)?

I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday night habang umiinom ng milktea. Of course, our topic is about “love” itself, and how can a person say that they already love someone.

It’s a hard question actually, tho sabi ko, iba-iba naman ang meaning ng love sa iba’t-ibang tao. Naalala ko dati, nag-survey pa ako para makagawa ng essay about do’n. Iba-iba ang sagot nila sa tanong ko na ito: ‘Paano mo ba masasabing mahal mo na ang isang tao?’

Some says kapag you’re willing to sacrifice everything for that person, that’s when you finally know you love him/her; some says kapag tanggap mo ang lahat about sa tao na iyon, mapa-positive or negative man ito; and some simply says it doesn’t have a reason, you just know it.

Pero hindi lang do’n nag-end up ang usapan. Si friend kasi biglang nagtanong: paano mo malalaman na love na ang nararamdaman mo? Matitiyak mo ba na love na iyon? Paano kung akala mo lang love na iyon, pero hindi pala? At yung akala mong hindi love, ay love na pala? at ilang tanong rin katulad ng ‘may boundaries ba dapat yung mga gagawin mo para sa isang tao para masabing hindi pa iyon love? May parameter ba ang love?’.

Sa totoo lang naloka ako sa tanong niya, and realized… Oo nga. Mayroon ba? May factors ba na dapat i-take note at tandaan para malaman na romantic love na ang nafefeel mo at hindi lang simply platonic? Well, take this for example… everyday kayong nag-uusap ng isang tao and you both send good morning and good night messages, you’ll hear him/her out thru good times and bad times, you’re always there beside that person, and you sacrifice your time masamahan lang siya. Masasabi mo bang romantic love na iyon, kahit na you’re simply just friends? Compared to a situation na minsan lang kayong magkita, minsan mo lang siyang makausap, but oh boy, you feel some deep connections! You’re willing to spend time too, sacrifice time too, hear them out ’til morning too, but it’s just a thought, walang practice. Puro thought and idea lang. Mako-consider mo bang romantic love na? Ano bang pinagkaiba?

Mahal mo na ba siya kapag hindi siya maalis sa isip mo? Mahal mo na ba siya kapag gustong gusto mo siyang makita every day? Mahal mo na ba siya kapag kinakabahan ka every time na magkikita kayo? Mahal mo na ba siya kapag nag-iimagine ka ng mga bagay-bagay sa inyong dalawa? How can you say it’s love?

Ah, balik tayo sa tanong ko. Paano mo masasabing mahal mo na ang isang tao? Dati naniniwala ako na walang reasons ang love. Kabilang ako sa mga taong sumagot noon na walang dahilan ang pag-ibig, walang sagot sa tanong, sadya mo na lang mararamdaman ito. Biglaan. Walang factors to take note. Smooth.

Pero mali. Meron pala talaga.

In my experience, basically, masasabi kong mahal mo na ang isang tao kapag inuuna mo ang kapakanan niya kaysa sa kapakanan mo. Siguro ito ang number one. Mas iniisip mo siya, kaysa sa’yo. Bigla kang mawawala sa eksena at tanging siya na lang ang nakapokus. Sa kaniya iikot ang lahat. Maging ang magiging desisyon mo, sa kaniyang nakasalalay. Ikaw ang magdedecide, hawak mo pa rin ang mundo mo, pero sa kaniya ka na nakatingin. Magiging selfless ka pag dating sa taong iyon. Isa pa, you’ll try to enter his/her world. you’ll be interested sa mga bagay na gusto niya. Susubukan mo ang mga bagay na ginagawa niya, and you’ll try to love it para lang masabayan mo siya. Gano’n eh. Selfless ka na kasi. Third, magkakaroon ka ng maraming oras. Pero sa sarili mo wala. Oo, dahil nga inuuna mo na siya at susubukan mo nang pasukin ang mundo niya, malilimutan mo na na may mundo ka rin. Kapag may nagtatanong kung busy ka, sasabihin mo palagi ay oo, pero para sa taong iyon ay hindi. You’ll make time. Tingin mo nga ay kulang pa nga ang pag-alay mo ng 24hrs para sa taong iyon.

But friends, lahat ng sinabi ko ay mali. Hindi dapat gano’n palagi. Kasi kung iyon ang gagawin mo, magiging miserable hindi lang ang buhay mo, kundi pati ang buhay ng taong mahal mo.

Yes, it’s okay to consider the person you (think you) love, pero hindi dapat sa lahat ng oras ay siya lang ang iisipin mo. What about you? What about the people around you? Ah, huwag mo siyang gawing mundo mo.

Ayos lang din na subukan mo ang mga hilig niya, but don’t forget na you have yours too. May hilig ka rin, may mga bagay ka rin na dapat gawin, at hindi iyon dapat nababalewala.

Tama lang din na bigyan mo siya ng oras, pero don’t only focus sa taong iyon. Huwag mong kalimutan na kailangan mo rin ng oras para sa iyong sarili, mga kaibigan at pamilya.

Kung talagang mahal mo ang isang tao, you’ll prove to every one na karapat-dapat ka para sa kaniya. You’ll give your best shots to become the very best version of yourself. Aayusin mo muna ang sarili mo, before trying to fix somebody. Aalisin mo muna ang lahat ng frustrations, disappointments, and insecurities bago ang sa kaniya. Pupunuan mo muna ang lahat ng pagkukulang mo, bago ang sa kaniya. Dapat ayos ka muna, bago ang lahat. You should be complete first for you to complete someone. \

All in all, kailangan matutunan mo munang mahalin ang sarili mo, bago ka magmahal ng iba.

Kung naipagtanggol lang sana kita sa kanila

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Sa aking kaarawan, kasama sana kita
ngunit ang mga nakamaskara, kinuha ka
“Huwag mo siyang sasaktan, ako na lang”
ang huli mong hiyaw bago ka magpaalam

isang likhang sining at maikling akda para mga magulang na lubus-lubusan ang pagmamahal sa kanilang mga anak

(late upload: mother and child entry for Maningning Miclat Art Competition 2016, 18×24 Acrylic on Canvas)