The wall that can’t be seen, but felt.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and emotionally sad while writing this. But there’s this feeling that says I should write everything in my mind, so here it is.

Sigh.

To the person that I will forever cherish,

I know I should be happy for you, because finally (not sooner, but possibly soon), there will be a person who will reciprocate your effort and feelings. A person who will take care of you, who will hold your hand anytime, and who will, for the first time,  save you from your nightmares and frustrations — all of these which I can not do.

I wanted to say I’m sorry for not being able to return everything that you gave; for not taking the same steps that you took; for not looking at your direction. I wanted to say I’m sorry, for not holding your hands when you needed warmth, for not hugging you tight when I had the chance, and for not saying things that will lessen your burden.

I wanted to say I’m sorry, for taking things for granted — for taking you for granted — and for not realizing sooner what’s behind your every actions and comforting words.

I wanted to say I’m sorry, for taking much of your time, and because of that, you had less for yourself.

And I’m sorry, for feeling selfish right now.

I know soon, you’ll have someone aside from me. And as your dear friend, my role is to be happy for you, but now… I can’t help but to feel so sad upon hearing and reading your happy thoughts regarding that matter. I am asking myself why. Was it the fact that sooner, I’ll be forgotten again? Or the fact the sooner, I won’t be needed by you anymore?

Or maybe I was just saddened by the thought that you and me won’t have the time, moment, and chances like we had before?

I don’t know.

I’m not sure why.

But regardless of whatever this is, if ever you need someone, I’m just here.

I’ll still be here.

The ending that is hard to take.

A new journey has ended for us, but the process of learning will never ever stop. 

Yesterday is one of the most important days for me, and I am truly grateful that I was able to celebrate it with the love(s) of my life. I am happy to be finally stepping out my college life and now re-entering the real world again. It scares me, though, because I know it won’t be as easy as the last time. But yeah, I’ll just follow the road I plan to take. This time… I will pursue the things I want to do and follow the dreams I once made when I was younger.

But somehow, the thought of not being with my friends / classmates that I consider as a family in the following days saddens me. I was used to waking up in the morning with the idea of seeing them later on inside or outside the campus for almost every day. Then now, we will be on our own, and will be waking up every morning to find each purpose in life separately. Hay. Time flies really fast. But this is the reality… The ending that is hard to take for me — the part of separating ways.

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I never knew that they would be this special to me. But now, they’ve brought so much memories to keep. Even though some of us didn’t make it to the end, and even though some of us decided to just let go of their dreams of finishing college and left early to find something worthy, they’d been a part of the group that I will treasure forever.

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I will miss the exchange of corni jokes and nonsense stories, and playing uno cards during our break time.

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I will miss the looong walk under the hottest days that we always do when we’re bored… and also because we don’t have enough money to take jeepneys / trike just to reach the places we would like to go. Haha.

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I will miss the unexpected vacation and journey to some places we’re not familiar with.

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I will miss the late night shoots for our avps & short films, and the staying up all night for video editing.

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I will miss the tambay moments in the nearest mall, the movie marathons, the overnights with smooth and sincere talks, the misunderstandings too… every thing.

They made me feel better just by being with them. It’s like I am with the people who truly understands me and my views in life. They’ve been a part of my improvement… and they’ve become more than a family.

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They are home. 

Clingy as it may seem, but I miss them already. I just hope nobody forgets.

Because I will never ever forget them.

Sana…

“Kaya nung sinabi niya na gusto ka niya, nainis ako kasi bakit parang gano’n na lang kadali ang umamin? Sana kinaibigan ka muna niya.. Sana nakita niya muna yung mga nakita ko. Sana may ginawa muna siya para sa’yo. Ang dami kong sana…”

Sana kaya ko rin ibalik lahat, lahat – hindi lang mga ginawa mo, kundi maging ang nararamdaman mo. Pero sorry kaibigan, hindi ko talaga kaya.

Sana normal na lang yung gano’n. Yung kahit maibalik ko yung kung anong ibinibigay mo, walang magagalit, walang magsasabing mali. Pero kasi, kahit naman na pilitin kong gawing tama, ay hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya.

Sana pwede kong pawiin lahat nung sakit, o kaya kabiguan mo sa pag-iisip na hindi ka magiging masaya sa gano’ng bagay. Pero kahit na sabihin kong someday ay may darating na gagawa nang mga iyan, ay alam kong hindi ka pa rin lubos na magiging masaya dahil sa hinahawakan mong paniniwala.

Masakit malaman na gano’n pala talaga, but at the same time, masaya. Dahil alam kong may isang taong walang ibang gugustuhin kundi ang nakabubuti para sa akin. Sa kabilang banda, nakakalungkot… kasi gusto ko ikaw rin maging masaya. Gaya ng kagustuhan mong maging masaya ako.

Salamat. Salamat sa lahat. Gusto kong maiyak. Nakalulungkot.

Nakakadisappoint din, dahil all this time, buong akala ko ay ibang tao. Narinig ko pa nga ang mga hinaing mo, binigyan pa nga kita ng mga advise, tapos malalaman ko na ang totoo, ako pala talaga iyon at hindi ang pangalang nabanggit mo. Dapat noong tinanong kita kung sino, ay sinabi mo na ang katotohanan.

Sana tama ang naaiisip ko… na product lang lahat ng utak mo. Na iniisip mo lang na mayroon kang naramdaman – nararamdaman – ewan.

Sana hindi ko na lang pala nalaman.

Failed Jump Shots to These! :P

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???????????????????????????????It’s me (pale blue shirt) and mami (yellow shirt, friend since highschool) Teheeee. I love the second picture! :D

 

Page 22 of 365: Missing you…

 

thoughts

Page 22 of 365:

I miss you,

do you miss me, too?

 

Page 15 of 365: Mixed emotions.

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Page 15 of 365:

If you really don’t want me to talk to you, okay I won’t.

But, can you  at least just smile in front of me?

So that I can still feel, somehow, that I’m your friend.

/Ireallydunowhazwrongwithyouorwithme:(

/irrelevantpicture

Page 14 of 365:

ate sethPage 14 of 365:

Having a friend who knows you better than yourself and who always believe in you when no one else does is one of the best gift you’ll receive from Heaven.

I’m thankful to have one.

Page 11 of 365: The clouds are crying.

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Page 11 of 365:

The clouds are crying right now and the raindrops became my tears too. Today was a sad day for me though I smiled a lot earlier. And again, it’s all because of you.

 I thought I’d never feel this kind of feeling anymore ‘coz I already told to myself that I don’t deserve this kind of pain. But then, all the heartaches came back when you started to walk away from me without even looking back. Are you really trying your best to avoid and draw yourself away from me?

Well congratulations, you built an unbreakable wall between us. 

Page 10 of 365: Coldness

 

Page 10 of 365:

This water turned into ice when you began to speak.

That’s how cold you act towards me.

tears

And for the nth time, I want to ask.

What happened to you? What happened to me?

What happened to the friendship?

What happened… to us?

I really don’t understand.

I just want everything be back to normal again before I go and can no longer be with you.

But I guess that won’t happen… and it saddened me, to the point that, I cannot smile anymore.

 

Page 9 of 365:

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Page 9 of 365:

This 1 meter distance is killing me.

What happened to us? 

/oldrawing