you, unexpectedly

you, unexpectedly
you were there all the time, and i was too.
and for the record, i’m proud to know all your heartaches.
i can still remember the times you’d cry nonstop because you’re hurting. i can still remember hearing from another friend that you have drowned yourself in alcohol again. i can still remember being mad at you because you’re so weak, but i can also remember giving you a pat on your back just to put a little comfort, after. and yes, i can still remember the things i said:
to you —
that you deserve to be happy,
and not to be sad.
that you deserve to be loved,
and not to be hurt.
to them —
to take care of you,
not to take you for granted.
to keep you,
not to keep you miserable.
i was just being your friend in those times, you know. someone that you can lean on, someone that you can call if you’re feeling lonely.
i was trying my very best to be that friend… to be someone that you need, because that’s what makes me happy.
and now, who would have thought?
you were just there, and i was too.
you were looking for something real,
i was waiting for something lasting.
i never really expected we would find it in each other.
r.m.

I hope it could be you

I hope it could be you. The one to whom I wake up my every mornings with. Share morning breathes and smiles, and fill every coffee mugs on the kitchen table is the first thing I want to do with you in the morning. You’ll hug me from behind and whisper something to my ears. Your warm breathe will tickle me. And it will feel so good.

I hope it could be you. The one who will drive me to the grocery store. We’ll buy foods and other things that we don’t need because we just feel like buying it. We’ll run like we’re still kids chasing each other. And we’ll do it every Sunday or every day or every time that we have time.

I hope it could be you. The one whom I will have problems with. We’ll argue, we’ll need space, but then in the end, we’ll fix it and we will love each other more. You’ll ask me why’s and how’s and then we’ll say something, then you’ll hug me and then we will feel fine after. You will be one of the people to motivate me, give me strength, and hope in every challenge I/we will face. 

I hope it could be you. The one who will sing every love songs in your playlist. You’ll sing for me before we sleep, after we wake up, on the road, while doing the laundry, while walking hand in hand, and every time we’re together.

I hope it could be you. The one who will never leave me forever. The one who will stay by my side through ups and downs of my life. The one who will be my dreaming partner, prayer partner, and partner in everything that needs a partner.

I hope it could be you. The one who I will share my I love you’s — every morning, every night, every time we’re apart, and every moment when we have the chance to say it and prove it.

I hope it could be you. I wish it could be you. And I pray it could be you.

Does she still mean something to you?

She have waited for your call the whole day. She kept on looking at her cellphone to check if you have a message for her, asking what she’s doing and how she’s feeling. She hoped for your visit and she thought that you might come to her house because you misses her too. But there were only false hopes. Nothing was on her phone, the inbox was still empty, still longing for your simple greeting; and no one knocked at the door, it only proved that you didn’t came.

She kept herself busy. She kept on thinking that maybe you’re just so busy too that’s why you couldn’t even say ‘hi’ on your free time. She did all the chores, she washed the dishes, she watched all the movies on the cd rack but she still thought of you. She couldn’t helped it. Every breathe that she took, even the slightest move of her fingers… was reminding her of you.

When the night came, she ate dinner alone, watched another random film alone, and went to her bed alone. She cried because of loneliness. She cried because she misses you so much. She cried… because she still don’t know what happened to you and her. And she cried, because she thinks that she means nothing to you now.

Does she still mean something to you?

I smiled. I cried.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

You said you’ll always love me. You said you’ll never gonna leave me. You even said that you’ll never forget me. And you said that, together, we will always be happy. I smiled, hoping that what you’ve said to me were true.

“You promised. Right?”

“Yeah. But I’m sorry.”

You said you’re sorry. You said you didn’t mean to hurt me. You even said that it wasn’t you who I destined to love. And you said that we should stop this relationship we have. I cried, hoping that what you’ve said to me weren’t true.

If ever I die,

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If ever I die, I would love to be buried when the sky is orange, the sun is not shining, the clouds are crying, the leaves are on the ground, the birds are not flying and singing, and the flowers are not in bloom — I want to feel that every body and every thing, even the surroundings and the non living things, are sad because I’m leaving.

If ever I die, I want them to play my favorite songs while marching to my final destination. I want them, specially the people who’s important to me, bring the letters I gave to them. And one by one, they’ll read it in front of my casket, bursting in tears because they’ll realize that they’d never get a letter from me again. And also, I want them to throw me some white and blue tulips, while my body is getting ready to be stuck forever six feet under.

If ever I die, I wouldn’t love to see their smiling faces. But that doesn’t mean that I want them to be lonely forever. It’s just that, I wanted to feel, even for once, that they are not happy to see me leave their sides. I wanted to feel, even for a second, that they will miss me and my presence when I’m gone.

And if ever I die, I wanted them to forget about me, to not remember me, and to erase me from their memories, forever. I want them to move on, be happy again, and create good and happy memories. Even without me.

That Smile.

If only I can wear a smile like this forever and forget to frown even for a second. If only I could let my anger and disappointments be gone and think only about the positive things in life. If only I can learn to hold my tears and never release them out.

If only I could… I would.

Oh hello Worpy! How are you? It’s been awhile, sorry I’ve neglected you. Oh and look at here, this is my first decent post for the month of November! What happened to me?

She — The 8 year old girl, I knew.

I remember, 10 years ago, there’s this one girl who loves to dream. Well, she still do that until now but the difference is, before… she dreamt of fulfilling her dreams. 

She imagined herself sitting on an office chair, holding pen and paper, signing contract or proposal, facing the computer and going to meetings; she imagined herself holding charcoals and brushes, mixing paints and oils, and drawing on a canvas; She even imagined herself standing while smiling inside an airplane. She didn’t actually think of what she will be in the future. But you know, being a child, she do have many dreams like, she wants to be like her or him; she wants to be known to this and that field; and she want to do something that brings happiness to herself.

She is a very imaginative, cheerful girl.  She’s not very good nor perfect, but she always do her best and puts her 101% effort. She’s an 8 year old girl having so many dreams and enough motivation to do something for the sake of other’s happiness.

To be honest, I don’t know what happened to her now. 10 years had passed and that girl is turning into a fragile and weak lady. This 18 year-old-lady I see, is really different from that 8 year-old-girl I know.. she still dream and imagine like she did, but the dreams are more fuzzy.She was lost maybe. Disappointments came to her. Frustrations got her. And now, it’s much worse.

She’s. Slowly. Giving. Up.

She’s afraid to disappoint herself. She’s afraid of not doing the things she loves to do. She’s afraid to do the things she must because of the people who expect more from her.

She cried a lot more times she did when she’s only experiencing having a wound on her right knee. She cried a lot more times, realizing that being a grown up is much harder than taking a bathe early in the morning. She cried, every single night thinking some random “what if’s” in her mind. She cried. And she’s crying now… while typing this because she needs to let go of her feelings. She wants to go back to the past. She wants to be the same as she was, 10 years ago. She wants to be strong, inspired and she wants to have a dream like she used to when she was still 8 years old.

She miss her old self.

….I miss my old self.