Meh.

I’ve been staring at my laptop’s screen for more than thirty minutes now, (and now an hour has passed, just to finish this post) trying to find the right words on how I should explain what I feel.

Empty? No. I know I feel something.
Bothered? Maybe? But to what?
Tired? Exhausted? Burnout? Anxious? Yes? But definitely not depressed.

I’ve been repressing my thoughts and emotions these past few months, hoping that if I don’t entertain them, they would stop. But I was wrong. And now it grew this much.

People who really knew me knows how much I love to write or talk to them about anything. Especially what I’m feeling. But now even that, I find too tiring. I don’t know why though. Parang nagsawa na ako. 

I haven’t been able to write also, or talk to a friend at least. One of the reasons is we are all busy. I am very busy. Wala akong time makadama ng kahit na ano, wala akong time gumawa ng kahit na ano. But at night when I’m travelling home, or when I’m about to sleep, my chest feels heavy. I suddenly want to cry, or scream, or just dance, or throw everything my hand could hold. Ang gulo diba? Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo.

Even though I am able to do a lot at work, and finish all the jobs that are assigned to me, it seems that it’s still not enough; that I don’t achieve anything; that my life’s still stagnant. Walang fulfillment. Walang development. Wala pa rin kahit na parang ang dami mo nang nagawa.

Maybe I’m just tired — sa work (???). Or maybe there’s nothing new anymore. Everything just became a routine. I’ll wake up at 3am, go to work at 5, be at the office before 7, will render at least 4 hours of overtime, will go home. Sleep for 5 hours, lucky if I get home early and there’s no traffic. Repeat the cycle. Every. Boring. Day.

But.

I’m still thankful that I am able to experience this. Means I’m still alive yeah?

But again.

UGH I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe I’ll just sleep.

Advertisements

2017 Summary

It’s 2018 already, yet I haven’t posted anything here since I became busy with adulting. How I wish I could go back to my high school or college days (minus the pressuring part and all), but yeah, everything is a process, I know I’ll get by soon.

Well, I thought about blogging the summary of my 2017, but I couldn’t managed to just list the highlights and compress everything in bullets. So I made it by months. Let’s start!

January

Went to Lucban, Quezon to join the Regional Higher Education Press Conference for the last time. Looking back, it’s a happy and sad memory for me. I still couldn’t believe that it would be my last time joining contests as a representative of our school publication. I’m happy that I experienced everything with my co-editors and staff, and sad because most of us were candidates for graduation, and we will soon leave the school.

February

There were so many things to remember in this month. First was our final defense. I couldn’t forget the feeling and emotions it brought us, especially to me. I was really pressured to the point that I couldn’t sleep a day before our defense, and I almost cried (I think I really cried) after because I felt that I didn’t do my best during our research. But there’s nothing to regret about. Just like my friend is always saying, it is your best that time. Second was the music video making. It’s really not about the ‘we need to win this’, it’s about the bond that we shared and made during the making of that music video. (Now I’m missing the people I always share ideas with when creating short films huhu). Third was, of course, going to Palawan. Since I got 4th place during the RHEPC, I also got the privilege to join the Luzonwide Higher Education Press Conference!

March

Hardbound days. Requirements week. Hell month. Lol. Just kidding. Too many emotions this month brought me. Excitement, fear, nervousness, exhaustion… etc. But my favorite was the pictorial for graduation and the hardbound part of our thesis!!!

April

Obviously, my favorite is the graduation. I think this is the most beautiful moment that happened to me in 2017. Every hardships, sleepless nights, stressful days were all worth it. This month was also the month my mother decided to stay home for good. Really happy that we’ll get to be with her every day.

May

Uhm, nothing much happened in May.

June

Struggled finding jobs that suits my course and passion. lol. but yeah, this month, I received a job offer from the company that I am now working at.

July

Aside from this is my birth month, it’s also my first month in the company that hired me. It’s not easy at first, I must say. And I’m still adjusting now. Thank God that He didn’t let me go through this by myself.

August

Uhhh, I couldn’t say that the highlight of this month was meeting Robinsons, but it seemed to be it. lol. But uh, idk. Mga panahong ito ako nalito sa feelings ko eh.

September

I learned how to read and write Baybayin! Haha. Now I can curse everytime using it. LOL just kidding.

October

I held Ulap’s hand. That was also the first time that he leaned on my shoulder and worded my name on repeat. He was drunk at that time.

November

Time when I almost gave up on work but glad that I didn’t. Anxiety attacked.

December

I received the most wonderful present. I am now for regularization. All the hopeless feelings and anxiety were all worth it. I did learn from my mistakes and because of that, I strived hard to be better at work. And I will still strive harder this time.

I know my 2017 wasn’t as colorful as others but for me, it’s still memorable. I both lost and gained something in 2017. And I now look forward for a better year to experience, with, i hope, the same people I was with last year and new people i am going to meet this year. :)

Mabuti pa ang mga bulag

Minsang naligaw sa isang lugar, hindi alam ang patutunguhan
nakatayo sa gitna ng kalsadang walang ibang laman
kundi ang sariling nagtataka
Makakausad pa nga ba?

Lumingon sa likod, may nakitang isang bulag
Walang masyadong bitbit, isang baston lang ang tangay.
Agad na lumapit, at saka nagtanong
“Ang daan na ito, alam niyo ba kung saan hahantong?”

Turo turo ang daanang malawak,
saka napagtantong bulag nga pala ang kausap
Ngunit ngumiti at sumagot ang bulag,
“Saan mo ba gustong magtungo, anak?”

“Kung saan may kaligayahan,” ang sagot sa isip.
Subalit may lugar pa bang gano’n na masisilip?
“Kung saan may pag-ibig,” ang nais isunod.
“Sa lugar kung saan walang sakit na dulot.”

“Bigo ka ba?” tanong nito bago pa makapagsalita.
At sa sinabi niyang iyon, napaisip ng bahagya.
“Minsan hindi mo talaga alam kung saan ka pupunta,
kapag ang puso mo na ang naligaw sa umpisa.”

“Saan ba ang punta niyo?” ang tanging naisagot
Tumikhim ang bulag, at saka napasimangot
“Wala akong ibang napupuntahan
Ang itsura ng mga lugar para sa akin ay pare-pareho lang naman.

Siya uli’y napangiti,
hindi nagtagal.
Tinapik ang brasong nanlalambot na sa pagal
At saka sinabing:
Subalit hindi ang nararamdaman.

“May lugar na mainit, may lugar na malamig.
May lugar na masigla, minsan puro pait.
Kung saan-saan mapapadpad, madalas maliligaw
pero ang mahalaga, kung sa paglalakbay, ikaw ba’y may natutunan?”

By B

Nakaukit ka na sa aking puso,
Nakapinta ka na sa aking isipan.
Iguguhit natin ang simula,
ngunit walang dulo.
Dahil ito ang aking pangako:
‘Hindi kita iiwan.’

Mahal kita,
Walang pagdududa.
Sana’y nakikita mo sa aking mga mata,
na ikaw lang, walang iba.

One Thing I Should Keep In Mind:

Don’t get too excited for something because you may be disappointed in the end.

And don’t tell everybody something unless you’re sure that it will really happen in real life.

Wait, they’re actually two things. lol.

Wala, nakakabigo.  I expect too much. I expect too much! lol. (waiting list pa, hopefully magawan ng paraan) </3

Page 8 of 365:

Page 8 of 365:

I’ve experienced many heart breaks.

I loved the same guy for almost 5 years since gradeschool but never had the chance to tell him; Felt the feeling of being loved back and been in a relationship for more than months only then regretted the decision of breaking up; And for the second time, I got stuck in a popular psychology concept which one person wants to be in a relationship but the other does not, also known as “friendzone”, for almost 3 years.

Just imagine that. My heart was never been whole, not literally though, for over a decade now. But I still manage to believe in love. And I’ll continue believing no matter how many times my heart will be broken again in the near future.

Page 5, 6 and 7 of 365:

IMG_2749 (900x675)

Page 5 of 365:

I followed my brain for the longest time. And I don’t care for what others will say…

It’s time to follow my heart now.

tumblr_mdbdntSpoT1qgsw1io2_r1_1280

Page 6 of 365:

I won’t give up. I’ll live my life to the fullest.

I’ll continue breathing, I’ll continue living..

‘til the life, itself, give up on me.

cropped-533288_194252290697017_100003367425896_307393_564783035_n.jpg

Page 7 of 365:

Don’t be afraid to fail.

Be afraid not to try.

Page 2 and 3 of 365:

Page 2 of 365: 

I’ll try my best,

to give all of my best.

DSC01389 (800x600)

                                                                                              Page 3 of 365: 

                                                                                                      Smiling became my best disguise last year,

                                                                                                      So I have to laugh more this 2013.

 

2012 Taught Me…

Even though 2012 brought many problems and difficulties to each and every people of the World, including you who’s reading this (if there is) and including me, I know that there was one or two things you realized and learned from the mistakes you’ve done and from the unexpected things that had happened this year. I’m glad, thankful and blessed with what 2012 has given me. You know, there are many things that 2012 has taught me, esp. this three.

2012 Taught me…

How to be strongI admit, that there were times that I wanted to give up. And yes, I have problems (Who doesn’t?) and personal issues that only myself know , and I want to quit. I want to end it. I want my problems to be vanished.. But it’s not just a normal way of thinking how to escape into that big manhole of depression I was at. And instead of finding ways how to solve my problems, I end up thinking how to die. Yes, suicide. I thought of that many times. I thought that if I die, my problems will be gone and I don’t have to think of anything and anyone anymore, I don’t need to experience disappointments and rejections, and frustrations won’t come to me. But of course, all problems have solutions. You just need to find the best way to overcome the obstacles you’re experiencing. Just like I did. I don’t know how.. but it has a connection to THAT Man above. He never left me and he never will. ☺

How to accept failureYes, I’ve tried hard but didn’t succeed. I know, I know, it’s too early to say this and I’m too young to feel this. But I felt so many frustrations in the past few weeks, months and years. I failed to do what I actually planned, that’s why I prefer not to do some planning anymore because it will bring much disappointments if won’t happen, right? Soooo, yeah. I accepted it. That THAT THING, even though I tried hard, will never be mine. (yeah whatever that is I’m saying) I’m now letting Him lead me the way to my success.

How to endure pain and how to let go. I’ve been in love with the same guy for almost two and a half years since 2010, and take note: We’re friends. And that means, I was “friendzoned” before and experienced unrequited love a few times. It’s hard, I must say, but the feeling was good. I loved crying every night, thinking if he could see me like I do and if he could return the feelings I have for him. I liked every heartaches that I felt every time he says the name of the love of his life. I loved it, I liked it. I endured the pain. But there came a time that I gave up and told to myself that I don’t deserve to be like that and there’s so many things I need to give more attention to. So I managed to forget about the feelings, stop all of the illusions, and bear not to see him the way I used to even though we’re together almost every day. And, I succeed. I realized that we can really learn the process of moving on and letting go. 

Tbh, 2012 was awesome. Many good things happened in my life, some unexpected happenings came and sweet moments & memories were created. And I’m hoping for my new year (2013) to be much better.

And to you readers (if there is), who have always been here even though I seldom post something inspirational and with sense, who supported me by liking each and every posts that I made, and who stayed with me since my first time here in WordPress, I want to thank all of you before 2012 ends. And there’s a little advise I want to make…

If you want to give up, if you can’t accept failure, if you want to move on and let go, If you have problems, just keep faith. Don’t stop hoping. Be strong. You’ll get over it someday… just like I did.

That Night in 8th of December

I didn’t really expected that something will happen to me that night. I actually planned to go to SM and see some books to read, but everything turned up side down, literally. My world turned upside down that night. It’s 6:10pm, the first highway accident of my life.

The last thing I remember, I bid good bye to my friend and started to walk. I was about to cross the wide highway, too. I’m on pedestrian, of course. And good thing, my friend has already left and didn’t saw me lying there, staring up the black sky and soon to lose my conscious. It’s weird, but I’m glad he already left.

And then, everything turned slow motion, just like in movies.

The next thing I knew, I was lying — lying on the wide highway, feeling numb and can’t hear anything. I started to tremble, thinking about my head. It’s the first one to hit the ground. I thought it was bleeding, but thank God it wasn’t. My vision was starting to go black too, but I needed to stay awake because I have no one to call for help. That’s what I thought. I’m afraid that the people around me might take my wallet and all my belongings while having no conscious. So I stayed awake, thinking random things.. just to know I’m still alive. I thought all of the names I know. I said it to myself… just to myself.

“God, Lord, Jesus Christ, help me.” I said. And I know he will.

I breathed in and out. Trying to move both my hands and my feet. I’m still lying on the ground. Afraid. Scared. Pitying myself. But none of them move. It’s like I’m in comma but hoping that I’m not. One girl approached me and asked me if I’m okay. I just nod.. though I know I’m not okay. Another girl went to me, she’s holding my eyeglass. I realized that I’m not wearing my glasses anymore. She gave me my glasses and I wore it, trying to sit down. But I can’t. So the first girl told someone to help me, and they all help me stand up. I cannot move my left foot. It hurts like hell. I thought it’s broken, but expecting that it’s not.

I was in shock. Poker face is the right term. My lips were aligned, my eyes were blinking, trying not to shed any tears. But I failed, I started to speak and bawled in front of them. “Call mommy please..” I said. And then, they carried me to the near Hospital.

One hour, I stayed there for one hour, silently crying and waiting for my relatives to come. The girl who brought me there was contacting someone. She stayed there with me until the daughter of the owner of the motorcycle who hit me came. I was silent. I did some multiplication tables, Addition, Subtraction, thinking names, events, and even the plots of the stories I read before the accident, I thought all of them. Just assuring myself that I don’t have amnesia or something. And I’m glad I don’t, only bruises and wounds, and a big lump on my head. I’m still lucky tho.. Coz I’m still alive and hopefully to kick soon. I still can’t move my left leg normally. ;)

My Daddy and my Sister came. I can’t paint their faces, they are worried that’s for sure. My daddy talked to the daughter of the culprit. And my sister was talking to me, she said that Mommy was worried sooo much. And I’m sure Mama will worry too if she knew. All of them were worried, my brother and my ate len came.

They did some X-rays to me. And I’m crying while they do that. My head hurts like hell and feeling cold. Someone injected me anti-tetanus, too. It aches.. like there’s a big ant in my two shoulders. The doctor said I can go home, and I’m glad. I don’t want to be admitted, and there’s no reason too.  We rode a taxi and went home. My daddy went to the precinct and talked to the one who did this to me. My niece and nephews are all shouting my name when I came home, they looked happy when they saw me. I smiled… They’re weird. But I’m happy… to know that they care for me and love me.

And because of that accident, I realize that I’m afraid to forget, and to be forgotten even though I thought of having an amnesia sometimes; I realize that I’m afraid of death, too. And I’m planning to live for as long as I can, for the people I love, and for myself as well.