Thoughts at 1:43pm

I scanned through my old slumbook and I was laughing hard while reading the contents. Really, being a highschooler was fun and was full of “kakornihan” esp. when it comes to “love”. Shaks. The memories were still vivid in my mind and I can say that I was really hopeless (up until now I guess?) back then, and all I know was do things for my crush to notice me. Hahaha. How pitiful, eh?

I was smiling too while reading the “message to the owner” part. It was touching, though I was smirking ’cause uh… I didn’t know and I can’t believe they wrote things like that.

Some said that they are thankful for the friendship, and some said they are sorry for everything. Some also said that I can count on them if I have problems and they can always lend a hand if I need one. They also said that I should not change and just stay the same.

Some said that they will never ever forget about me.

I just wonder… do they still remember the things they wrote down in that slum note few years ago? Do they still remember that they said they’d be a friend for me? That I can always tap their shoulders and ask for help anytime? Do they? It’s funny how they said it simply. Did they mean it? Were those words sincere? If it was, how come we all grew up apart without keeping in touch?

How come I’m the only one remembering now?

Somehow, I find it unfair and disappointing to the both side — theirs and mine. Those people who wrote in my slumbook, did they consider me as a real friend? Did we really became friends? Did I consider them as MY friends?

Maybe yes, in that moment only. But it’s sad to think that some feelings are really just temporary, and some friendships and relationships are made just for the sake of what you have in that time.

I guess what you feel today might not be the same as to what you’ll be feeling tomorrow. And the people who you will call friends can become just an acquaintance as time passes. Or… Maybe I lacked effort too and didn’t give my best in communicating them, or in asking them how they are. Maybe somehow, even though I didn’t want to, I changed. I became a person that they weren’t expecting me to become. However, I’m grateful to have those people who stick with me until now.

The time, plus the challenges you faced and will be facing, will really filter the people who will be there for you no matter what. I know I only have a few of them, but I’m blessed enough to have some people who are close in my heart then and now. :)

What must I say?

Months had passed and I’m still trying to think of what I should put here in my blog. I admit that I don’t have enough inspiration to write or enough motivation to create some masterpieces to share here and yeah I just feel like floating every day — aside from being busy in school (and hooray! There are only few days left before graduation!).

Truthfully speaking, I think I already forgot how to write and put my feelings into words. There were nights that I really wanted to finish a chapter or an essay — a poem at least, but I always ended up staring the monitor for hours. I feel disappointed and frustrated that I have many pending works in my folder. I’m thinking maybe reality are slowly kicking in, and I am gradually entering the real world — which means no more day dreaming and childish stuff – whatsoever.

Well, many things happened and many things have changed in terms of my lifestyle, perception in life, and sensitivity to the people around me — and I still don’t know if it’s for the better… or worse.

As I type this, I am thinking the down moments I had last year. The most “painful” month for me was approaching soon and I am grateful to say that I was able to recover quickly. My broken heart was healed faster than I expected. Though there are still some times that I remember every painful things I experienced, but managed to overcome with the help of my friends and family — good bye to a broken heart and an unclear mind!

These past few months weren’t easy too, though. My bags under my eyes became luggage due to the making of our thesis. It was a hell week for us. We weren’t able to have a normal sleep during those moments and we considered ourselves lucky if we can have at least an hour of nap. And yes friends, thesis can destroy friendship! But since we’re close enough to talk about issues, we managed to finish it still friends. He he he.

I can’t make a list of all what happened but this one thing made me bothered big time:

A friend confessed his feelings to me.

At first, I thought it was only a joke (because I am used to him being the joker of the class) and I was confidently riding it without any meaning. So when the day came that he said he really have a feeling for me, that was when I became bothered. I said it was fine for me that he has feelings and agreed to act cool about it and stay friends for now, but honestly, it wasn’t easy to be around him for days. I can feel the awkwardness and discomfort between the two of us and I’m not used to that. Tho I can see that he’s trying to talk to me about that matter but still, I feel anxious. But yeah, every thing could be settled in a sensible talk and conversation so we’re okay now… as friends. Honestly, I was willing to entertain him (if he’s really gonna woo me) and was hoping for something to bloom but then I realized, I am not yet ready for another love and deep relationship. My family and career is my focus for now.

Anyways, my favorite moment so far is our Sakbay and Toga pictorial. We had our official Sakbay pictorial last March 16 and last week was our not-so-official-coz-we-just-set-up-a-studio Toga pictorial in a classmate’s house. Happiness is all over me because I can finally sense the success!!! Kidding. But uhuh, the pictures always put a smile on my face whenever I see them in my laptop just waiting for the right time to upload. Hihihi.

And oh! Of course! My favorite too was that I got the chance to visit Puerto Princesa, Palawan last February with my co-school publication staffers and editors for the 16th Luzonwide Press Conference! Tho I wasn’t able to win the the category I joined, still, I’m happy to finally get to ride an airplane! It was a wonderful experience for me! Yay!

I am excited too for the grad ball and the graduation day! I am excited for the dresses I will be wearing, for the pictures I will be taking, for the food that I will be eating, and for the moments that I will be creating and capturing with my friends inside and outside the school.

And of course, I am excited for the road I will be taking after graduation. :)

Faith. Hope. Love.

April 2016 has been the most painful month for me. And it was like a whole month of jokes, hoping one day — or at least on its last day — I will wake up and realize that all of what happened was only a dream. But it wasn’t.

I want to claim and declare that it is the most painful month because I do not want to experience it again in the future. Now I know why other people say that they are afraid to be happy, for one day, it will be replaced by pain, and not just sadness.

Actually, there are two kinds of pain that I have felt (and still feeling, I guess): The pain with sadness, and the pain with grudge.

As much as possible, I am trying to put away the latter. I don’t want to hold a grudge over someone because I know, in time, I will be the one who will suffer for doing so.

But here’s the thing why I am writing this: I have lost two men in my life.

One was the man who loved me and didn’t forget to remind me how valuable I am, but I was not able to show how I love him and appreciate all of the things he did for me; and one was the man who I loved deeply and gave so much time, but was not able to treasure my worth.

I am really sad that I only realized their difference when they’re both gone in my life, physically and mentally —  Physically, because daddy’s body is now gone, but his memories and presence will always stay in our hearts. Mentally, because N’s still there, somewhere, doing his things, not remembering me and all the things we’ve shared together… but his presence is now absent.

Did you now get what I mean?

There are no nights that I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I feel so empty… like there are so many pieces of myself that are missing and my heart and emotions are dead and numb. Though I miss daddy (I know mommy misses him so much too and we are all missing him so much), but when I look at his picture it’s like he’s still here. Sighs. And I still miss and think of N, but they say I shouldn’t because he’s not worthy of my time and emotions anymore. Sighs again.

Now it’s funny how I think that I am truly strong, because I have endured the pain and bear all the heartaches of losing people. The worse part of that was, I (almost) lost my self too because of that. Lucky, I didn’t.

As I have said in one of my post in my Tumblog,

“One of the saddest things that’s ever gonna happen to you, is to lose yourself along the way while searching for someone.”

We must all bear in our minds that nobody will ever gonna make you whole and complete except for yourself. I think people can only help you, but not gonna make you.

I’m now wishing and praying for acceptance, forgiveness, and motivation to trust people again. As a daily reminder, I keep on reading the phrase that I have written as a note to self, a year ago.

“I want you to be strong enough to move on, and to open your heart for another love.”

But as much as possible… be strong enough to accept and forgive, and to open your heart for trusting people again. 

 

 

Summer escapade!

IMG_2973Today is Good Friday, but wala pa namang 3pm, so I will blog first. Hello, Summer na! (tho we still have so many things to do for school requirements, but let us set aside that first). Hehehe. How are you, worpy? It’s been a while, again. Sorry for not updating, I am always busy. But now that I have updated my blog’s appearance, excitement kicked in! I just love the header and the simplicity of the theme (i’m surprised how this website improved in terms of many ways), but anyways, let me start the story.

Last Monday, March 21, our company where we are having our on the job training invited us for their outing. We were originally 18 trainees, but only 8 were luckily allowed by their parents to go for a 3-day outing in Zambales. IMG_2881IMG_2898Boarded by an L300 Van, my classmates and I had a long trip (for about 7 hours) from Rizal to Zambales. Our vans (2 l300 and 2 family van) left Taytay at 4am and we reached Zambales at around 11 in the morning. We waited for about 2 hours before going to Bacala Guest House and had lunch at my boss’ wife’s cousin’s house. To be honest, we didn’t have any idea where we are going that time. My classmates and I thought that we were only going to swim to the nearby beach na may mga aplaya pa nga. HahahaIMG_2901It was my first time to ride on a boat that will cross the sea to go to an island. I was so nervous, hahaha how nerveless I was that time.IMG_2911l-r, b-f. Runa, Paul, Jerome, Steve, Gracia, Nica, Kuya Jhen and Me.IMG_2922It feels so good especially that the waves are strong enough to touch the tip our toes while the boat smoothly traversing the blue salt-water.

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credits to Paul for this picture

After 10 minutes or so, we arrived at the admirable Bacala Guest House of Masinloc, Zambales.IMG_2927IMG_2950IMG_2958It was an isolated Island. You are literally surrounded by the salt-water, there’s even no bathroom! Now we know how it feels to be castaway survivors. Hahaha! I won’t forget that here in this place, I lost the ring my mother gave me while… uhm, basta. I can’t tell. It’s too embarassing. Hahaha. Huhu. IMG_2961It was my first time too to see a sea urchin this close. I was scared because it was moving!IMG_3083And the starfish with es were so big! We got the chance to take some for photography  purposes only. They were scattered everywhere!IMG_2970and of course, I saw a crab! I was so happy because it was so little. And it has eggs too but unfortunately, it died. :(IMG_2964IMG_3048When in the beach and you’re with friends, of course you will have this kind of moments. Hehehe. Even tho we’re not complete, I think we enjoyed staying here :)IMG_3002But uhm, I’m kind of jealous with this couple. Hahaha They made me wish Nega was there too. </3IMG_3008Me and Runa! Hi, Anne Bernadette we’re going to kill you with jealousy. Haha jk. Wish you were there too (and holding a Patrick)!

We slept there and we’re in a tent inside the house! Hehe. I don’t have pictures but it was… okay.  The next day, we went back to the house of my boss’ wife’s cousin and got ready for the next adventure!IMG_3196IMG_3219IMG_3223IMG_3200After an hour of waitiiing~ it’s beach time! It was my second to go on a beach! Hehehe. The last was with my family in Batangas. And yes, I’ve waited for sunset. AGAIN.IMG_3206Since he’s not there with me, the sand became the proxy. Heehee.

IMG_3260Anyways, I also had the chance to go coral viewing! (not totally snorkeling cause we only had goggles hahaha) but it was an awesome experience! Kahit nagkanda sugat sugat ako. HeeheeIMG_3256Oh, hi there Gracia. We were the only two who went for coral viewing. :3IMG_3269And my most awaited part of the day! Tenenenentenen! Sunset. I only took few shots because we’re in a boat and was afraid to lose balance (and drop my camera), but it was breathtaking! This pic was my favorite. ♥

I was glad that I got the chance to experience once again the salt-water “therapy”. It’s true that when you have so many things that are going on your mind, you need to pray first of course, and meditate to let the bad thoughts out. Glad I did. Or maybe the Lord don’t want me to worry so much about some matter that I left at home and He actually took away all the negative thoughts thru the sea. Hay. He’s really there with me.

“You need to keep moving on, darling, or you’ll miss the train to bigger things in life than this.”

quote to start my 2016.

I know it’s late for a greeting, but I would like to greet y’all a Happy New Year! This post is a rant for my 2015. Mehehe.

2015 was kinda a “hell-kind” of year for me. There came too many problems (in school, at home, etc.) that I was to blame too for being too pushy and frank and brave, also for having a high pride. Those (problems) caused me stress (more like depression) to the point that I want to end things already. Even my life. But who am I to end this? This is not mine.

I thought I was strong after all the things that has happened, not until some harder situations came, then I knew that I’m still weak. But good thing, there are still some people who stood still beside me and gave some advises, especially my family, and the Lord who keep on sending signals — telling me to just hold on and be still and keep my faith.

I know things got more complicated, but this time… I’ll be ready for what will happen. There comes a saying that it all happened for a reason. So, we should just have to accept it. No regrets. Move on and Let go.

Heh, this is so embarrassing. But I just to share these thoughts here.

I should end this post, I  hope everyone would have a prosperous 2016 and remember that the Lord God loves us all.

Ciao!

 

 

 

A Week in Photos

It’s Sunday today — church day and supposed to be a ‘rest’ day for me but I forgot to do my other assignments yesterday so I’ll do it latuuur. Anyway, I have here some photos (and their stories) to share in this blog! And also, I decided to update my Worpy blog every week (every Saturday or Sunday)! I’ll just collect the photos (and their stories haha) and post them here. Isn’t it amazing? Lol. But anyway, let’s start!

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I already finished ‘The Time Keeper’ by Mitch Albom last week. I also would like to make a book review about it but sad to say, I don’t have much time so I’ll just say that this book is really great! It reveals (or uhm, I couldn’t remember the right term. Haha) the true value and meaning of ‘Time’ — that you must cherish it and spend it in most important ways/things in your life (coz that’s what I understood in the book).

My favorite line is, “it is not to late or too soon, it is when it is supposed to be.”

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Okay, so this picture (or drawing) was made last Monday (or Tuesday? Omyglob, I cannot remember).

We were sitting quietly on our chairs then suddenly my classmate took a piece of big paper (looks like a sketchpad) at the back and then we saw a drawing of a half-faced man in orange color pencil. I asked if I could take a look and he gave me the paper. I took my pencil in my bag and decided to continue the other side. And yeah, it turned like that. Well, I already made a “collab” art in one of my co-FA students (tho I don’t knoe who drew the (orange one) other face) Haha!

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Wednesday, a bipolar day (coz it’s raining then suddenly it will stop and then it will rain again -__-). No profs showed up, except to our loyal Drawing Fundamentals and Typography prof, Ma’am Angie, and our Modeling and Color Theory prof Ms. Arlene. They’re both our major subjects hoho. The picture were taken during our lunch break, we decided to eat in plaza even tho it’s drizzling (what? Ahaha. A little rain, you know, a drizzle. Haha!) And yes, mabuti na lang vain din sila kahit papano, napicture-an ko. Hihi

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Thursday, we had our orientation and re-orientation program inside the gym. The profs explained some things that I barely understood coz I’m talking with someone (a good student here haha) and after that we did the election of the class officers. I am elected as Sgt. Of Arms in girls (uso pa pala Sgt of Arms sa college), and my crush was elected in boys. Heheee. :’3

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Our prof in Modeling/Color Theory showed up that Thursday, and we made some activities. A color blind test in CT and a… well, a, an activity with a wire.

I actually wanna make a flower but my classmate was already doing it so I thought of making a bunny but I didn’t like it so I made a sando but it’s ugly and then I made it a crooked heart. But actually it has a meaning, that crooked heart. But it’s personal so I won’t tell. Haha! (And I guess ang baba ng gradr ko sa activity na yan. Huehue)

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Friday, my not so “lucky” day I went to school to get my uniform and waited for almost 5 hours but unluckily, i didn’t get anything coz my sizes isn’t available yet. Hay, how I wish I was small!

In the afternoon, we (my sister and I) went to Guadalupe to adjust my braces. We ate at Jollibee and if it wasn’t for Kline (my crush in Guada Jollibee haha) my Friday afternoon will be ruined. It took us 2 hours to get to our destination and guess whatttt!!! (What?) There were no available jeepneys and so we walked! My feet hurts. Parang Angono to Taytay lang ang dating nung layo. :( But my day was still okay. Thanks to some people who effortlessly made me laugh thru text. :)

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Saturday, I woke up early in the morning, and I was to post this blog yesterday but my internet died. We clean the house instead and ate lunch. I asked dude if she can accompany me to buy the watercolor I needed to do my assignment and she said yes, so I met with her in plaza by the flag at 3pm. We went straight to Wawa afterwards and then stayed at the tower, talked about something and laughed. I loved the view over there (look at those buildings in the pic), there’s only a part where it’s raining and then we noticed that it’s moving until the rain came to our place then the heavy rain poured. Haha, gets?

Some random guy asked my number too and I can’t help but to laugh coz it was the first time that someone asked my number. lol. We went home when the rain stopped.

So that was how my week went. I decided to spend this day doing assignments and editing my stories. I am hoping for a productive day today! :)

 

 

One Hot Saturday~

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Yesterday, April 27, 2013, we celebrated the birthdays of my Tita Gie, Kuya Dex, Daddy and Kiko (my newphew). We went out swimming to “Hardin Sa Bukid” in Pag-asa (Blooming Dale, subd.) My Ate rented the place for only 3,500, starting from 8am to 5pm. Sulit na din! but then it started raining at 3pm so we went home early din. haha. xD

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The place was okay. It has 3 pools, (2ft, 6ft, and 4 ft jacuzzi pool) But unlike in Water Camp in Cavite (where we last swam), the place ^ doesn’t have that “kind of ambiance” or the mood for me. Maybe because there are only few plants and flowers? lol.

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Dala ni ate Ni ang camera niya kaya naenjoy ko ang pagpicture. hihi

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Astig lang nung tattoo! Gusto ko din ng ganyan~ *o*

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Heh, kasi ang cute ni Rain. *u*

Hey Worpy, buhay pa ako. Huwag kang mag-alala (‘yon ay kung nag-aalala ka)

Uy, kamusta ka naman ha? Pasensiya na’t hindi na kita nabibigyang pansin nitong mga nakaraang araw at linggo. Bisi (busy) kasi ako sa kung ano (kunwari meron kahit wala) . Kaya ayun, hindi na kita masiyadong naa-apdeyt (update). Kaya ayun, nandito ako para magkuwento ng kung anong nangyayari sa akin buhay-buhay. Ayoko kasing ikuwento ito sa tumblr dahil…ewan. Hindi ko feel doon. Hindi ko na feel doon!!

Ano bang bago? Ah, wala naman. Ay mali, meron pala! Hindi ba nagda-drama ako nung nakaraan tungkol sa kagustuhan kong pumasok ulit ng kolehiyo? Eh ngayon matutupad na! Pero hindi pa din sigurado. Nung nakaraang Abril 19 kasi ay kumuha ako ng eksam sa URSA – isang malapit na Unibersidad sa amin, as in super lapit lang. Walking distance ba! At ayun, sakto lang ang eksam. Pero kung makakapasa ako ay matatawag kong “chamba” lang yon. Syempre biro lang, nag-aral at naghanda naman ako kahit papano bago ang araw na iyon. Sabi nga ni Kuya Jomz… “Fight no battle unprepared” kaya naman nagprepare ako kahit papano. Keyword: kahit papano.

Magkakaron din kaming magkaka-klase nung highschool ng isang swimming kaso negative ako. Panigurado hindi ako makakasama. Una, dahil wala akong pera; Pangalawa, alam kong hindi ako papayagan at; Pangatlo, wala lang. Hindi ko lang feel sumama. Pero baka magbago ang isip ko, ilang araw pa naman ang lilipas. Medyo matagal pa naman ang 25, hindi ba?  23 pa lang naman ngayon eh. Meron pa akong dalawang araw para magbago ng isip, handa naman daw akong pautangin ng mabait kong pinsan-pinsanan na si Shiela. Pero duda ulit ako, malamang hindi na magbabago ang aking isip. Hindi talaga ako sasama.

Sinali din ako ni ate MJ — isang blogger na nakilala sa sa Tumblr — sa isang grupo sa FB na ang layunin ay magpalaganap ng mabubuting gawain (imbento ko lang, pero ganun naman kasi ang nakikita ko eh). Samahan ito ng mga bloggers  sa Tumblr, WordPress o mapa-Blogspot man. Nakakatuwa dahil ang tagal ko ng gustong makasali sa mga ganitong grupo o (ano pa bang pwede kong itawag? Hindi kasi malawak ang kaalaman ko sa mga salita -__-) samahan na tumutulong sa kapwa ng walang bayad. Hindi  pa naman ako opisyal na miyembro nila pero wala lang, natutuwa lang talaga ako na nasali ako sa ganon. Nabasa ko yung nakaraang activity nila sa blog ni ate MJ at talagang napahanga at na-excite ako. Sana sa susunod na aktibidad nila’y makasama ako. Pero ulit, ako’y duda dahil isa lamang akong dakilang tambay sa bahay na umaasa lamang sa ibibigay ng magulang para magkapera. Paano naman ako makakapunta sa mga meetings nila, ‘di ba? Nakapanliliit din dahil parang ang gagaling nilang mag-blog. Hay, pero sabi nga nila… “Kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan.” Kaya gagawan ng paraan, sir!

Malapit na din akong umalis sa Wattpad. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla na lang akong napagod sa pagsusulat. Bigla akong nagsawa ba, pero hindi ko naman alam kung bakit. Gustong gusto ko talagang iwan at burahin ang account ko don pero hindi ko naman magawa. Kaya nagpahinga muna ako. Hindi ko na siya (ang aing account) nabubuksan ng mga ilang araw na. Pero nagbabasa naman ako don ng mga story gamit ang ibang account. Hindi naman big deal, pero kinuwento ko lang.

Speaking ng pagsusulat. Gumagawa na naman ako ng isa pang istorya. Hey! Mr. Painter! ang title niya. Sa totoo lang natapos ko na ang pagbuo ng plot (ito ang unang beses na gawin ko ‘yon, yung gumawa ng plot, sa isang story. Dahil hindi naman talaga ako gumagawa ng plano. Basta kapag naisip ko yung konsepto, ginagawa ko na. Pero ngayon siyempre iba) Sa kuwentong ito, kung magkakaroon kayo ng pagkakataong mabasa ‘yon, ay makikilala niyo kung sino ako. Obvious naman kasi na ako na naman ang bida dito. Pero siyempre, ang kaibahan nito sa iba kong kuwento ay… hindi ko alam. Haha! Biro lang. Siyempre iba ito sa iba kong kuwento. Dito kasi makikita ang realidad. Makikilala niyo ako, kung paano gumising sa umaga; kung ano ang pakiramdam bilang isang graduate ng 2-year-vocational-computer-programming-course pero walang trabaho; kung paano ko harapin ang kada araw ng buhay ko; kung gaano ko kahilig na matupad na makapag-aral ng Fine Arts; kung gaano ako kahopeless romantic. Merong tatlong lalaki sa kuwento: Si Jeremy, si Stanley, at si Vin. Si Jeremy, kathang isip lang siya. Kumabaga, siya yung lalaking gusto kong makilala at maging kaibigan. Si Stanley, isang kaibigan sa Tumblr siya, pero hindi iyon ang kanyang pangalan ha… at si Vin, siyempre, si Vincent Kristan Quilop ‘yon (imaginary character)! Ang idol kong sobra sa pagdo-drawing. Pero syempre iniba ko din ang pangalan niya dun, Vincent Kristan pa din pero hindi na yun ang apelyido niya. Grabe naman kung gagamitin ko ng buong buo ang pangalan niya, ‘di ba? Baka makasuhan pa ako. lol. At about dun sa flow ng story… siyempre lahat yun imagination ko lang. Sabi ko nga, kung magkakaroon kayo ng pagkakataong mabasa ‘yon, eh malalaman niyong (kung hindi ko sasabihin, pero sinabi ko kaya alam niyo na) na ‘yon yung mga bagay na gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. Hehee~ May sense pa ba itong sinasabi ko? Parang wala na. haha!

Uuwi si ate Ni sa 26 (ilang araw na lang!) para magswimming kami at dala niya ang bago kong selpon. Binilhan kasi ako ni mama ng bago. Malagpasan niya kaya ang record ng ilang taon ko ng selpon na si Nokiya ekspresmyusik? Sana.

I’m about to give up. But I know, giving up is not an answer.

Some people say I am lucky to have this and that. Some people say I am fortunate to become like this and that. Some people say they want to put themselves in my shoes because of this and that. But for me, I am not lucky enough. I am not fortunate enough. And sometimes, I wish I am not the one who fit in this shoes I am wearing now.

Last night was a not so-so good night for me. I cried a lot causing my eyes to bloat. I look like a fat raw Chinese now. Tch.  It’s just a small misunderstanding and nonsense issue between my brother and I. I just don’t understand him. I really don’t. And in the first place, he’s the one who started it. He threw cusses at me, in person and in FB. That’s why I deactivate my account there. He said I am the one who should be blame, too. But heck, I know what happened, I won’t hysteric like that if he didn’t do something wrong and bad and painful to me. I’ve never been cussed by my parents or guardians neither my friends! He’s the only worthless person who ever did that to me. I don’t care if people will tell me I am disrespectful. He’s not worth my respect, after all. Never will I respect him. EVER in my life!

But wait, he’s not the reason why I cried. I already told you, he’s not worth my respect nor my tears too. The reason why I silently cried last night was because of Mama. I heard her cry again over the phone because of us. She said she’s already tired. She said she want to give up. She also said to me the number one fact about our family. “Wala na nga kayong tatay, ganyan pa kayong magkakapatid?” Okay, who’s not going to be emotional with that? After she said that fact, I remained speechless. I know if I talk, I will burst in tears. So I remained silent, listening to her cries til the phone line was dead.

I know some things need to be private and some things should be kept to yourself forever but I feel like I need to release this emotions I am feeling right now. Last night after the call, I took a pen an paper and wrote something… unusual. You know what I wrote? I wrote a death note. Yes, a death note. I told everything in that letter. My feelings, the pain, everything. I also said in that letter that If she’s tired because of the situation, I am more tired because I have this kind of family. I have this kind of problems, and because I have this kind of life. And yes, I’m about to give up. You know what I did? I restrained myself from breathing. But I can’t. I’m afraid, to be honest. Maybe I just can’t let go and be dead because I’m still in love with life, even though life doesn’t love me.

Problems will end. Challenges and obstacles will be over. But life will remain life, even people dies, life goes on. 

Even though it’s hard, even though sometimes the thought of ending things is occurring my mind, as much as possible, I want to remain alive.

Kapag ako namatay… (Sagwa ng title aba! Haha!)

Lately, palagi ko na lang kasing naiisip yung possibility na hindi na ako magising one day. I know, I know na dapat hindi ako nag-iisip ng ganito but what can I do? Alam naman natin na anytime puwedeng bawiin ang hiram nating buhay sa atin, ‘di ba?

So ayun nga. Tuwing gabi naiiisip ko kung ano ang mangyayari sa kanila kapag wala na ako. Tapos naisip ko din yung mga gusto kong gawin nila for me. Yung parang last favor ko ba? Oo ‘yon nga ‘yon. Pero siyempre, alangan sabihin ko sa kanila na.. “Hey, kapag namatay ako gusto ko ganito…” eh ‘di ba parang ang sagwa naman? Kaya ayun. Naisip ko na lang na ipost ito dito. Nag-isip pa nga ako na isulat lahat (sa drafts) ng mga account username/email and passwords ko para naman kapag wala na ako, puwede nilang mabuksan ang mga social accounts ko sa net eh. Pati nga password ng cellphone ko eh gusto kong ilista. He-he. Pero pag-iisipan ko pa. Alam ko naman kasing walang masiyadong nakakaalam ng blog ko na ‘to. Nakakatamad na kasing magblog dun sa isa. Para kasing kada post mo eh huhusgahan ka nila base sa pagkakakilala nila sa’yo. E dito, wala. Walang manghuhusga. Well, sana.

So balik tayo dun sa naisip kong paglalagay ng aking last will dito. Sisimula ko na!

Kapag ako nawala…

  • Gusto ko ang tatlo sa unang makaka-alam ay ang pinakaclose kong mga kaibigan. Sa elementary, I ang nagsisimulang letter ng name niya. Sa highschool, L ang nagsisimula ang name niya pero ang tawagan namin ay D. At sa college, si ate S. Gusto ko sila ang unang makaalam sa mga kaibigan ko. Walang iba. Dapat sila muna.
  • Kapag nakahiga na ako sa kasket, ayokong basa ang buhok ko. Gusto ko din na natatakpan ang malapad kong noo. Sa damit, wala na akong pakialam. Basta gusto ko maganda ako! Light lang ang make-up.
  • Gusto ko tulips ang bulaklak. Yung color blue at RED.
  • Yung mga komiks ko, yung mga drawings ko, yung mga stories ko, gusto ko katabi ko sila habang nakahiga ako sa harapan ng maraming tao. Gusto kong basahin at tignan nila ‘yon imbes na iniiyakan nila ako.
  • Ayokong nakatim sila. Gusto ko nakaputi silang lahat.
  • Gusto ko nandon si first love, si imba, at si k. Lalo na sa huling lamay.
  • Gusto kong magmessage sila ng kahit ano sa akin. Kahit na hindi ko na maririnig pa yung mga gusto nilang sabihin, gusto ko magsalita sila sa unahan. Para malaman ng iba, lalo na yung mga hindi ako kilala ng lubos, kung ano ako sa paningin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko noong ako’y nabubuhay pa.
  • Ayokong mag stay sa ilalim. Malulungkot ako. Ayoko din ng pa-apartment, malamig yung semento. Cremate. Gusto kong ma-cremate.
  • After nila akong ma-cremate, gusto ko color red or blue ang jar ko. Tapos, doon din nakasulat ang “Like the dust on the floor, the wind carrying. Like the bubble in my bath that keeps on popping. They’re just fading, with the blink of an eye. Just like my faded love, and I don’t know why” na linya ng isa kong tula.
  • Gusto ko din, kahit hindi ko na makikita, na maipublish ang isa sa mga story na nagawa ko. Puwedeng yung tungkol sa “ulan”, yung sa “Summer” o kaya yung sa mga “Pahina”. Alam na nila kung ano ‘yon.
  • Gusto ko din, kahit wala na ako, may bibisita pa din sa blog ko. May magpapadaan pa din ng gm sa cellphone ko. May magfofollow sa twitter, at magta-tag ng mga pictures sa FB.

Pero ang higit sa lahat, kapag ako nawala…

I want them to forget me. I don’t want them to remember me. Gusto kong isipin nila na wala silang nakilalang tao na katulad ko.

Simple lang naman yung mga gusto ko ‘di ba? Sana matupad. In case lang naman.