Meh.

I’ve been staring at my laptop’s screen for more than thirty minutes now, (and now an hour has passed, just to finish this post) trying to find the right words on how I should explain what I feel.

Empty? No. I know I feel something.
Bothered? Maybe? But to what?
Tired? Exhausted? Burnout? Anxious? Yes? But definitely not depressed.

I’ve been repressing my thoughts and emotions these past few months, hoping that if I don’t entertain them, they would stop. But I was wrong. And now it grew this much.

People who really knew me knows how much I love to write or talk to them about anything. Especially what I’m feeling. But now even that, I find too tiring. I don’t know why though. Parang nagsawa na ako. 

I haven’t been able to write also, or talk to a friend at least. One of the reasons is we are all busy. I am very busy. Wala akong time makadama ng kahit na ano, wala akong time gumawa ng kahit na ano. But at night when I’m travelling home, or when I’m about to sleep, my chest feels heavy. I suddenly want to cry, or scream, or just dance, or throw everything my hand could hold. Ang gulo diba? Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo.

Even though I am able to do a lot at work, and finish all the jobs that are assigned to me, it seems that it’s still not enough; that I don’t achieve anything; that my life’s still stagnant. Walang fulfillment. Walang development. Wala pa rin kahit na parang ang dami mo nang nagawa.

Maybe I’m just tired — sa work (???). Or maybe there’s nothing new anymore. Everything just became a routine. I’ll wake up at 3am, go to work at 5, be at the office before 7, will render at least 4 hours of overtime, will go home. Sleep for 5 hours, lucky if I get home early and there’s no traffic. Repeat the cycle. Every. Boring. Day.

But.

I’m still thankful that I am able to experience this. Means I’m still alive yeah?

But again.

UGH I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe I’ll just sleep.

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Nang magadbentyur ang lampa — First hike: Mt. Masungki

I couldn’t think of any title for this post plus feeling ko ‘yan ang mas appropriate para rito, and I admit na lampa naman talaga ako, so ayun. Siguro, ito na rin ang gagamitin ko sa mga susunod kong adbentyur. ;)

Anyway, our original plan was to climb Nagpatong Rock, pero sabi ng tour guide namin, named kuya Edward, mas okay raw na unahin namin ang Mt. Masungki para ‘pag uuwi na, tuloy tuloy na yung daan papunta sa Nagpatong. We really have no idea na sobrang hardcore (for beginners) na pala nung Mt. Masungki at akala namin simpleng akyat lang talaga. Kaya nag ‘G’ kami. Yun pala, nag tindi. Tipong ‘di na namin kakayanin mag-isa pang bundok after. Mehehe. Hindi rin naman pala alam ng tour guide namin na first timers kami. Hahaha!

Wala akong docu kung gaano kahaba ang binaybay ng trike namin papunta sa Brgy. Cuyambay, but swear, sobrang layo. It’s not my first time going to Tanay, pero ang layo pala talaga nung Brgy. Cuyambay. Nadaanan pa nga namin ang Sierra Madre resort e. But ayun, going back to Brgy. Cuyambay, nagpunta muna kami sa Tourism office nila para magparegister. Good catch na rin na nag-trike kami from Tanay hanggang sa Brgy. Cuyambay kahit na mas mahal. 500php ang binayad namin sa trike, but kung magjejeep ka from Tanay hanggang Sampaloc, 28php ang fair then 50php per head sa trike papuntang rgy. Cuyambay. Mas maganda talaga kung meron kayong sasakyan. Less hassle.

Moving forward, 100php ang registration per person ng 500php for the tour guide. Minimum members ay 5 per group, but since anim kami at pinayagan naman, mas maliit ang hatian.

IMG_5204Here’s Nica and me. Kami na lang yung dinala ni Kuyang Trike Driver para magparegister sa toursim office ng Brgy. Cuyambay kasi matarik yung dadaanan.

IMG_5205

From left to right, Shine, Steve, Rona, Kuya Jhen, Me, Kuya Edward (our tour guide) and Nica in front.

IMG_5296It was exciting and fun at first kasi hindi mo pa dama ang pagod, pero kapag tumatagal, pahirap na ng pahirap. Nahilo pa nga ako, at legit na nanikip ang dibdib ko, wala pa kami sa kalagitnaan kaya naman binuhat na ng kasama ko ang aking bag. Super thankful talaga na ang babait nila at inaalalayaan ako palagi. The best talaga ang mga boys ng BFA batch 2017! Huhu. Feeling ko nga super pabigat ako sa kanila kasi napapabagal ang akyat namin dahil sa akin.

IMG_5301May mga nadaanan kaming iba pang bundok, pero wala siyang OL at part talaga siya ng way papunta sa Mt. Masungki.

IMG_5306May major stop over sa Mt. Ikmo, bale may tables do’n and mini tindahan. Ang cool nga ng mga signages, sayang hindi ko napicture-an. Nung una hindi ko maintindihan kasi akala ko yun yung tawag sa kanila like, kunwari, may isang sinkhole kaming nadaanan, then may nakalagay do’n “SING CHOLE”. Akala ko yun yung name nung butas, hindi pala. Narealize ko na lang nung nakakita pa ako ng isa pang signage, sabi “COME SIGHT” tas may kubo dun. “CAMP SITE” pala ang ibig sabihin. Mehehe.

20180331_100207.jpgMahaba-habang akyat din yung nangyari, siguro inabot ng 3hrs? Kasi patigil-tigil kami gawa nga sa akin. Nadudulas ako tas nasusubsob, then hinihingal pa. Hindi naman kasi ako pala-labas at taong kwarto lang talaga ako plus, lampa nga kasi talaga kaya ayon. I feel bad lang kasi parang ang laki kong sagabal talaga e. Hahaha!

But ayun, despite of the pauses and breaks that we had to take para lang makahabol ako, nakaakyat naman kami sa itaas.

Friends, I must say hindi madali. Lalo na for me dahil I am scared of heights. Umiiyak ako habang tinatawid yung isang bato pappunta sa isa pang bato para maakyat namin yung tuktok ng Masungki. Mabuti na lang talaga inaalalayan ako ng mga kasama kong lalaki. Nahiya nga ako e, yung girl friend nung isa hindi niya naalalayan kasi ako yung inaalalayan. :(

20180331_100434.jpgThe view was breathtaking. Hindi ko nakunan yung iba pang side kasi lulang-lula na ako. Pakiramdam ko hinahatak ako ng gravity pababa e.

Syempre, dahil successful namin naiakyat ang Mt. Masungki, ‘di pwedeng walang pictures. Ang cool nga ng tour guide namin kasi ang ganda ng mga shots niya!

IMG_5392IMG_5395IMG_5402IMG_5507Hindi ko akalain na makakaakyat ako sa ganito. I am so proud of myself, really. Iniyakan ko itong akyat na ito kasi hindi talaga ako dapat papayagan, at ayun, umiyak din ako while climbing, pero worth it lahat ng tears! Nakailang “Thank you Lord” din ako habang tinatahak ang bundok na ito e.

IMG_5515Ang dungis ko, sobra. Ako ang pinakamadungis sa amin gawa ng ako ang pinaka maraming subsob at dulas. Hahaha! And now, super sakit ng katawan ko. I can’t even sit without feeling pained. Huhu.

But wait! There are three things that I realized sa akyat na ito and I just want to include them in this post:

  1. Mahal ko pala talaga ang buhay ko. It’s true that you’ll do everything to survive — you’ll forget your fears, you’ll neglect the pain, and you’ll do whatever it takes just to survive.
  2. In every pain and hardship comes happiness and ease. Nakakapagod, oo. Sumakit buong katawan ko, oo. Nadulas ako, nasubsob ako, nagasgasan ako, nagkaroon ako ng pasa, at naiyak ako kasi ang hirap, oo, pero masaya. Worth it lahat sa dulo lalo na nung nasa taas na, especially nung nakababa na not just nakaya namin, but because safe kaming lahat nakababa. Hahaha!
  3. Difficult situation makes a lot easier if you’re with the right people. Hindi lang sa akyat na ito, kasi totoo naman ‘di ba? Dumadali ang isang bagay kung tamang tao ang mga kasama mong gumawa nito. Sometimes, they become your motivation too, or inspiration para ipagpatuloy yung ginagawa mo.

So yeaaaah, I’ll look forward sa next kong adbentyur. Sobrang nag-enjoy ako rito kahit ngayon I feel like baldado. Nawala rin lahat ng iniisip ko, at pumalit lang kung paano ako makakauwi ng buhay e! Hahaha! I’ll look forward sa next kong adbentyur, and I hope sila pa rin ang kasama ko. ;)

P.S. almost of the photos were grabbed from Nica. ^_^

ang gago ng buhay

ang hindi ko maintindihan, bakit kailangan ikumpara mo yung buhay mo sa buhay ko? kailangan ba maranasan ko rin yung naranasan mo? na porque hindi ka nagpakasaya noon, hindi na rin kami pwedeng magpakasaya ngayon? dahil hindi mo naranasan, kailangan hindi rin namin maranasan? bakit kailangan pigilan mo ako sa mga gusto kong gawin?

ang dami dami kong naiisip, ang dami dami kong nararamdaman, pero hindi ko masabi sa’yo kasi ganyan, hindi mo maiintindihan. gusto mo ikaw lagi ang tama — kapag ayaw mo, ayaw mo. kapag gusto mo, dapat iyon mangyayari. alam kong nag-aalala ka, gusto mo yung nakabubuti sa amin, pero paano kung hindi naman iyon yung gusto ko? paano kung iba yung gusto kong gawin? paano kung gusto ko yung sumusubok?

bakit kailangan isumbat mo ang mga nagawa mo para gawin din namin? bakit hindi mo kayang sumuporta lang? hindi ba obligasyon nyo naman iyon? bakit kailangan niyong sabihin ng paulit ulit na parang hindi kami naging thankful sa ginawa niyo? bakit kailangan iparamdam mo na ako ang pinakamasamang anak sa buong mundo? bakit?

ang gago, gago ng life.

Ilang “thoughts” at kadramahan

March na, and time is really passing by so fast! Dahil wala akong magawa at naisipan kong mag-stay lang sa bahay today, I decided to compile some of my “thoughts” entries ko sa “notes” ng aking phone here, in case, magloko ng tuluyan ang aking phone.

Whenever I’m alone, or while on the way to office, I think of some things and ideas that really matter to me. Nakakatawang basahin yung iba, becasue sobrang negative at talagang makikita mong nasa down moments ako, but the other notes seemed okay, and very uplifting. I suddenly realized na ang dami ko na palang nare-realize, and then kapag bumabalik ulit ako sa down state, nalilimutan ko yung mga na-realize ko na. It’s really true that we always learn something from our experiences, but eventually, kapag may nakapagpadown ulit sa atin ten times of the previous, nalilimutan natin yung mga lesson na nakuha natin do’n.

Well, I just like to share to this blog some of my thoughts, starting from July last year. Some of them, you may find so random, and uhm, i guess a bit odd. I’ll also try to remember the exact feeling and the reason why I wrote that.

“July 11, 2017

The one person who you always thought would be there in your up and down moments will slowly fade and drift away. I guess this is a part of being a fully-grown adult, from which an aspect of your life is eventually narrowing, where letting people go and them leaving you would just become normal. In the end you don’t have a choice, but to comprehend and accept the fact that people are not meant to stay.”

Well, uh, in this thought, I think I was experiencing an extreme separation anxiety from the people I used to be with before graduation. I must say now, hindi pala dapat “narrowing” yung term ko. I should have used the term “expanding/broadening” kasi lumalawak yung pangunawa mo. I guess what I meant in “narrowing” is nababawasan ang mga tao sa buhay mo, but that’s okay, kasi ang matitira na lang ay yung mga kailangan mo at kailangan ka.

“July 25, 2017

One factor why we are hurting is because we assume for things that doesn’t really exist – a feeling, an attention, a romantic relationship that’s actually sympathetic.

Sometimes, we only make our own heartaches.”

Oh well, things were really confusing before and people are making it more complicated. I was torn between two people I had feelings with.

“August 11, 2017

How is it illogical to compare your interest in buying books to your interest of getting inked? Pareho mo silang desire, kaya same-same lang. Iyon iyon. Whether it’s not for investment, it’s for yourself naman. You’re fulfilling your satisfaction. Bakit kailangan lahat ng gagawin mo nakabubuti sa ekonomiya?”

Oh, I remember this. My brother and I were arguing about his partner getting inked. He got mad because his partner got a tattoo, and I said that’s okay, let his partner do whatever his partner wants. I compared it to someone’s interest to buy books that that someone really wanted. Sabi ko, ‘di ba kapag gustong gusto mo, bibilhin mo? And you’ll be happy kapag nabili mo na. Then he said, it’s different. Kasi yung books, pwede mong maging investment, may makukuha kang knowledge na pwede mo i-share sa iba. Sa pagta-tattoo daw wala, mag-aaksaya ka lang ng pera. He didn’t get my point. What I’m saying is, yung “joy/happiness” na makukuha mo kapag nagawa mo yung gusto mo / nabili mo yung gusto mo. I was really mad kasi hindi siya nagpapatalo, pinasok pa niya ang politika. Syempre, ang ending, siya na ang may last say kasi wala na akong masasabi kapag may usaping politika na. But in the end naman, wala siyang nagawa kundi tanggapin na may tattoo na yung artner niya e. Mehehe.

“August 17, 2017

blank mind, occupied feelings

tho it weigh to much, i feel like flying.

am i just confused? i don’t know

nothing is having sense now.”

Ah, the moment when I was having a hard time thinking if I should be continuing what I started. I really wanted to do something else, pero hindi ko alam paano ako magsisimula at kung ano ang mangyayari if ever itigil ko man ang ginagawa ko — work related. Hahaha

“August 5, 2017

For  a moment she thought

everything is real.

In that fleeting time it brought

too many feels.

She refused to get hurt

that’s why she’s stopping (trying to)

Though it all seemed to blur

her hope’s still knocking (even if she doesn’t want it to)”

Love. Let us all blame it to love. Hahaha! But I guess, hindi pa naman siguro “love” yung nafefeel ko no’n. Lonely lang siguro ako, at, longing.

“August 20, 2017

Naniniwala pa rin ako sa sinasabi nilang bumabalik ang pagmamahal.”

Hindi ito yung buong entry, but this is the whole thought. Ewan, ang drama ko nito. Na-realize ko na kahit ilang beses akong balewalain, I’ll still be that same person na pwede mong puntahan uli to be a friend, kahit ilang beses mo pang iwanan para sa iba. Kasi naniniwala ako, na kapag ako naman yung umalis, mayroon pa ring tatanggap sa akin.

“September 13, 2017

Bakit nga ba tayo nananatili at umaasang lahat ng ginagawa natin sa iba ay babalik? Malasakit pa rin ba ang tawag do’n o pagmamahal kung iyon ang nasa isip natin?”

See. Wala pang isang buwan, kinontra ko na agad ang sinabi ko sa last note. Ang funny talaga ng mind natin mag-create ng iisipin just because sa pangyayari.

“November 12, 2017

Isang salop ng pagdududa

Ga-kutsritang pag-asa

Mala-dagat na kaba,

ang lumulunod sa kaniya.

Tatlong dipa sa pagkakamali,

matinding takot na ‘di maikukubli

Milyong kilometrong layo sa tagumay

at mga paang pagal na sa paghakbang.”

I think things went well for a month, kasi wala akong thoughts nung October. But of course, may mga point pa rin talaga sa life natin na magiging down tayo ulit, at magdududa tayo ulit, at manghihina tayo ulit. Tapos magiging okay, and then babalik sa hindi pagiging okay. Ang hirap pala talagang ma-achieve ang stable na mindset.

“December 22, 2017

Pwede pa rin pala ‘yon. you can still love a person even though wala na kayong label. You can still care for a person, and you still have the rights to be concerned kahit wala ka ng papel sa buhay niya. 

Free naman kasing makaramdam ng love e.”

I can’t exactly remember why I wrote this. I think because I got a chance to see an old friend and we were talking about her ex? Hahaha!

“December 27, 2017

Bakit ba napakahirap na maging totoo sa nararamdaman? Yung tipong gusto mong humindi, pero dahil iniisip mo ang magiging epekto nito sa taong hihindian mo ay mapapa-oo ka na lang. Kompromiso. Palagi kang nakokompromiso. Ikaw palagi ang nag-aadjust sa sitwasyon. At kahit ikaw na mismo ang nahihirapan ay gagawin mo pa rin, kahit hindi talaga okay sa’yo. Pagpapakaplastik ba ‘yon? O pagmamalasakit? Pagpapakamartir ba ‘yon? O pagmamahal? Nakakalito. Minsan masarap na lang magsawalambahala ng lahat e.”

Confused na naman ako nung time na ito. I couldn’t recognize which is which anymore. At hindi ko matandaan bakit ako nagda-drama. Ito yata yung time na… merong bumalik? And I’m not sure kung gusto kong tanggapin ulit. But because iniisip ko ang mararamdaman niya, tinanggap ko uli.

“January 17, 2018

Tao lang ako, magkakamali ako. Pero kahit anong mangyari, desisiyon ko ito.

Yah. That’s the best that I’ve heard this day. Totoo. Sa bawat pagkakamali, bawat sakit, bawat pagkakadapa, desisiyon natin ‘yon. Tayo ang may gawa no’n. At tayo ang mag-e-earn ng lessons sa mga nangyari. And that’s good. :)”

I was listening to a radio show. Yung scenario ata is, pinagbabawalan nung kuya yung kapatid niya na mag boyfriend. Silang dalawa na lang kasi. Then si kapatid ayaw ng magpadikta at gusto ng sundin ang puso. Hindi ko nalaman ang ending, kasi kailangan ko ng bumaba ng uv. But yung line na ‘yan ang tumatak sa akin.

“January 27, 2018

littered —

just like pieces of paper,

all dusty, all crumpled;

a forgotten coin in a losr waallet,

and a rusty tin can in a bucket.

this thing i don’t understand

it makes me lost, oh my mind.

do i have a place in anyone’s heart?

coz i cannot find in mine.”

See how my mood in just 10 days can change. Hahaha! From being positive again to becoming negative. Is it natural?

“February 6, 2018

It’s all in  my head. Everything that I thought and feel is in my head. All produced by my mind. Kaya ako nasasaktan, kaya ako nafu-frustrate. it’s because iniisip kong nasasaktan at nafu-frustrate ako. Dapat kung nasasaktan ako, I should try healing myself. If nafu-frustrate ako, I should try harder, or do something to not feel frustrated. It’s me. Ako lang talaga ang problema. I complicate things and I hate it.”

Obviously, I’m trying to lift up myself. Kinakain na kasi ako ng mga iniisip ko. Nireremind ko ang sarili ko na hindi naman magulo, ako lang ang nagpapagulo. At kung magulo, dapat kayanin kong ayusin, dapat kong ayusin.

But the next days, I still feel down. Ayaw kong pumasok no’n, pero wala akong choice kundi pumasok at gawin ang mga dapat kong gawin.

“February 16, 2018

Dear old self,

I don’t know if you’ll be disappointed or proud of what you have become now, but I hope you won’t stop achieving greater things in life. 

Things might be difficult for you in the days to come, but I swear, it will all be fine one day. I hope by then, you could make up your mind and follow the path you would really like to take in the first place. I hope you would not let the opportunity to just sit there, and eventually fade in time. I hope you cam really do the things you love, and I hope you would not give up on reaching them one by one.

And oh, please do take care and prepare yourself for there will be many heartbreaks on the road.”

Again, exactly 10 days, I decided to write to my old self, in a parallel universe, just in case she really exists. and just in case she still have the chance to change anything. I’m not saying that I want to change everything, and that I regret the things I did. But I wish, she will have the courage to do and take things I couldn’t before.

“February 20, 2018

She was the tough one

a rock that blocks the waves

the bamboo on a stormy day

the little child who’s still awake in the middle of the night.

it’s okay, that’s what she always says

because she knew that everything fades

she knew how to act in different stages

but about everything, she didn’t knew.

She was the tough one.

though one day, she’s not anymore.

she wanted to cry for help, just once

however, her voice seemed to run out.”

Re-reading all of the notes tell me that moods, emotions, and feelings are all temporary. one day, you’re feeling okay, then the next, you’re not. But at the end of it, it’s how you manage is what’s important.

Ang dami ko pang thoughts entries, pero hindi ko na sinama yung iba. Tungkol lang naman yun sa nagdududa kong nararamdaman sa isang tao. Mapanlinlang ang damdamin, friends.

Reflections

I’m just trying to encourage myself thru this post, but this could be a help for someone too, maybe?

Sabi nila, mahirap itigil ang kinagawian na at masanay na wala a ito. But what if you really need to stop that old habits? It’s just like if you break up with your partner for years. You suddenly cut the connections, which you’re not used to because everyday kayong magkachat/text/usap before, but now you need to resist kahit na gustong gusto mo siyang kontakin uli. Or yung friend mo na palagi mong napupuntahan, nasasabihan, natatapik when you needed someone, however now hindi na masyado kasi you’re both busy. Or kapag nagsarado ang favorite coffee shop / restaurant na lagi mong pinupuntahan every after school/office or before going home. Even if it’s already closed, sometimes you find yourself walking on that street or driving towards that direction. Gano’n kasi ang kinasanayan mo. Applicable rin sa suot mong singing for years na nawala bigla. You feel that it is still there when in fact, wala naman na talaga. Just like i said, nasanay ka kasi e.

Mahirap masanay uli na hindi na gano’n ang nangyayari. It’s like, you’re back to zero, nangangapa ka. Parang hindi mo alam kung paano ka magsisimula, or paano mo sasanayin ang sarili mong wala na yung nakaugalian mo.

Mahirap din if you’re always at the top, then suddenly you’re crawling for survival. Hirap no’n, shet. Parang how come you’re at this point when you were soaring high at the beginning? Well, I think this is the unseen fact: ‘di mo napansin na nahirapan ka rin noong una before you reached the top. Maybe naging madali lang sa’yo na umakyat noon, siguro for the reason na gusto mo yung ginagawa mo kaya hindi mo napapansin na nahihirapan ka, or natural na madali kang matuto. Pero kung accurate yung pangalawa kong sinabi how come na hindi mo kayang gawin ngayon?

Heh, contradictory yata itong mga pinagsasabi ko. Pero ayun nga, kung nagawa mo dati, how come na hindi mo magawa-gawa ngayon? I think malaki talaga ang factor nung ginagawa m yung gusto mo, at hindi mo lang ginugusto yung ginagawa mo.

Or maybe, may process kasi. Uhm, I’d consider this more kaysa sa fact na maas napapadali kapag ang ginagawa mo is yung gusto mo. Maybe kasama sa process yung sobrang mahihirapan ka to the point na you’ll think of stopping it na lang kasi akala mo walang nangyayari. Wala kang nakikitang assurance sa halos lahat ng ginagawa mo. So, doubt will kick in and it will eat you up. You’ll be asking questions to yourself like, “tama pa ba?”, “worth it pa ba ang lahat?”, “itutuloy ko pa ba?”, “paano kung hindi naman pala ito yung dapat na ginagawa ko?” and a bunch of what if’s in your mind.

Tapos, wala pa ring makakasagot kaya lalo kang maloloka. You’d gone crazy sa mga thoughts mo. Overthinking will knock you out. Depression will come next. And ayun, ‘di ka na functional. See? Ang unhealthy ano? But yeah, it’s a process.

I’d like to say that there are no easy things in life, and it’s only hard at first. In time, when you successfully gone through that “process”, magiging madali na ang lahat para sa’yo. There will be doubts, yeah, but minimal na lang, especially when you have faith. Sabi nga ng isang friend:

“Faith is the assurance of things not seen.”

Hindi mo kakayanin ‘yang process kung wala si Lord. I am always forgetting na may ginagawa pala ang Lord. Hindi mo man nakikita pa, pero may ginagawa Siya. He’s putting us in downing situations to make us stronger. Lalo na yung faith natin sa Kanya. It’s also a way to remind us na we need Him. And kung ano man ang pinagdadaanan natin, nandito tayo kasi may purpose Siya.

He is still sovereign, and is still good, after all.

091017

Daddy,

I feel sad tonight.
I just watched a good video about dads on youtube and thought of you. How are you there? Are you alright? Sorry for not visiting you and lola’s place very often. I miss you now the most.
I feel so empty. The work’s getting harder and harder, but I just entered the real world, I know. Now I also know how hard it is to earn a living. But I still wished you saw how happy I was when I got my first paycheck. It would really be very nice if I had the chance to treat you a dine out, anywhere and anything you want. You and mommy, with mama, and uh, the whole fam. okay.
Anyway, speaking of mommy. She’s getting finer, but she look a bit older than before. Her body is hetting smaller, her hair is showing more white hairs, and her skin are becoming rough due to aging. I thought I could see you both like that. I pictured the both of you sitting on your rocking chairs, and peacefully watching the sunset, or happily sharing stories you each experienced when you were younger. It would be perfect, right? But yeah, destiny is sometimes surprising, you’d never know what could happen later to one’s life.
Anyway, I don’t like what I’m feeling since the past few days. I’m bothered by something I shouldn’t even entertain in the first place. But again, how do you tell yourself what to feel, right?
Hays. I wish you’re here to slap me with your words or slap me literally to stop feeling like a girl. Lol joke. I know you won’t hurt me.
I’ll just see you again in my sleep, Daddy.
I love you always.
You are missed every day.

 

Change will come your way, but be aware

cats

As we grow old, we will notice some changes not just in our physical appearance, but also in terms of our emotional, psychological, and social aspects of life. There will be times that you will feel and think about everything at once, or nothing at all — like minding even the smallest matter and nonsense happenings, or just feeling numb over an important one. Eventually, you will notice these things slowly and later understand that it’s a part of the process of being a grown up.

However, there are chances that we won’t fully understand why some changes has to happen — even if we already knew that it’s for our benefit (well, it should be for the better, though). It’s just that some are hard to accept, and sad to realize. Especially when it comes in the aspect of our social life.

The relationship among our family, friends, and ourselves will be affected by these changes.

Because we’re in the process of adulting and our priorities, mindset, and beliefs are changing, we now take things more seriously. Ignorance are being replaced by awareness and familiarity, causing us to be wise about our every actions and be confident in the results; Decisions are being deeply thought-out, trusting and depending to others are being cloudy, and time is becoming more than a gold. This means that we only consume time for productivity, and also means that activities that doesn’t relate, benefit, and make us happy is in the lower list.

We will then find out that the chances to be with the people we were always with before is dropping, which might lead to losing them, one by one.

It’s okay though, it’s a good thing to be clever and allot more time to the things that we can gain at. But keep this in mind: people are changing too, and it’s not always a hundred percent assurance that they will still be there in the corner where we left them. They also need to move forward just like us, anyway. We’re only fortunate if we are all going in the same direction.

Because we’re changing, we’re becoming busy living the way we want, and only focusing on the things we aim. Hence, we often forget to spend time with our family and friends — even a “me” time, which is really important, is being neglected. We overlook that time is very valuable, and once it has passed, we can no longer go back to have it.

Thus, as much as possible, we must spare some of it, even a little time will do, to the activities that can improve not just ourselves, but also our relationship with the people around us.

Change is inevitable, that is a fact, and it can be caused by many factors. We just have to make sure that we’re changing for the best.

Currently: Entry 2

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Hooray for Weekends! Hello! So here I am, blogging again about my currently entry numbeeeer two! I have time to use Eys now because it’s weekend and I don’t have work. I think that’s one of the things I like about the company that I am working at, aside from the kind people, good trainers, nice ambiance, and advanced technology! I’m still a trainee tho,  I started last July 3. Hehe. I also can’t believe that I already spent a week in the office with some new people! Hooray! I survived the first week!

Uhm, I sometimes miss my college classmates, and subconsciously wishing that they’re the ones I am with. Hehe. But yeah, new people means new experiences & lessons, and that kinda excites me.

So anyway, I am here to blog my currently/ies (lol) so let’s start with what I’m…

R E A D I N G

Well, currently, sad to say, there’s none. But I am planning to read a book that a friend gave me as a compensation for a book cover I made for her. And yes, I still haven’t finished the first book I started last week. No time. Huhu

W R I T I N G

None, aside from this post.

L I S T E N I N G

The sound of the AC, and the keyboard. I miss the room and the time I was able to be in here the whole day, just typing my stories or whatsoever kechenelynhan.

W A T C H I N G

Again, nothing. However, I want to watch a horror movie in my HD, but sleeping seems better so I’ll sleep after I post this entry. Hahaha.

T H I N K I N G

What to do tomorrow, but I remember that a classmate would be here and she’s going for a sleepover because she’s going with me on Monday in the company. I’ll try to refer her to the HR for the same position as I am. Hehe. I hope she’ll pass the exam though.

H O P I N G

To finish the sketch / book that my friend and I planned to do before August come. But I doubt that I’ll come to draw the 1st illus completely. I’m barely moving with the plan huhu. But yeah, I’m hoping.

N E E D I N G

To be organized. A notebook for listing the things I should do first and for managing my time. Since I am working now, I have less time to think more about things I should be doing. I sleep immediately when I get home, and weekend is all I have to do task filtering.

W A N T I N G

To sleep already and take a rest. Haha. I also want to see my college friends. Really misses them a lot. I hope we could bond like before. I really want to see and be with them again. :(

F E E L I N G

I guess, sleepy? Though I feel a little bit bored and I don’t think I can sleep that fast.

That’s it. Seeing the picture that I use as a banner of this post (it’s me and my co-trainees), makes me miss my college friends more. Huhu. Are they missing me too? :(

By the way,  I also watched our AVPs and Short films in lunch time while eating and my urge to produce a short film awakens. Aaaaah I badly want to do Lucia, a Psychological Thriller story that I plan to continue writing, which my college friends and I originally created when we were still determined to do a short film before. But due to schedules and reasons, we’re not able to do it. I hope that one day, if time permits us to make it, I will be really, really happy.

 

 

Currently: Entry 1

currently chenelyn 1

I’m really not much into this “type” of blogging, but for the sake of updating this blog (how shame huhu, but really, I also want to share here things I am thinking / doing so…), let me just try this. Maybe I’ll be doing this frequently or if I have time, even weekdays too, so I didn’t make it like the usual “Saturday/Sunday Currently” that you see in other blogs. So, hello. Let’s start, I guess?

R E A D I N G

After months of being away from my bookshelf, I’m happy to found time to read again last week, and now currently reading “The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight” and “We Belong” (for editing) at the same time.  The first title of the book has been stored in my eBook reader for almost a year now, and since I need something to kill the time last week while processing my requirements for work, I decided to read it. As of now, I’m on chapter 2 and I’m looking forward to finish it next week.

W R I T I N G

Well, obviously this blog post? Haha. Currently (re)writing also We Belong. And… nothing follows. lol.

L I S T E N I N G

to my niece and nephews reaction to a movie that’s in the television.

W A T C H I N G

Dawn of the Dead. Another zombie movie that really doesn’t thrill me. Seryoso, gusto ko na patayin yung TV kaso mga pamangkin ko, nakatutok. lol.

T H I N K I N G

About how should I spend this day wisely, what should I do that is productive, what else I am going to put on this blog, and many things regarding about my relationship status with my friends, etc. etc.

H O P I N G

For the better future. Hahaha. Kidding. Well now, I’m currently hoping for everything to go smoothly according to what’s planned. I’ll be entering new world now, as an employee, and I’m scared for what might come. Hahaha. I’m always a shitty, scaredy, introvert person, and yeah, I’m hoping to change for the better.

N E E D I N G

More time, and much more time to do my personal matters that surely I won’t be able to do for the following days, because I know I’m going to be busy at work. (and that thought makes me happy, no to bum life anymore!)

W A N T I N G

To see and talk to a friend. Really misses her a lot.

F E E L I N G

A little bit of lazy today, but more excited for Monday! Aaaah, I already feel the butterflies that has been stucked here for ages. Hehehe.

So there, I think that’s all? What a bore right? Lol. Maybe later I’ll watch a movie again, or a tutorial in Adobe Illustrator. Honestly, I learned how to use that software on the day of the technical examination itself for the position I am applying. I am amazed by myself. lol. Well, they have the same feature as Adobe Photoshop so that what makes it easier for me to explore the workspace.

So again, I guess I’ll be back some other time. Ciao Worpy!

… and hey! It’ July 1st! ♥

Best,

Rizza Maruja

 

Thoughts at 1:43pm

I scanned through my old slumbook and I was laughing hard while reading the contents. Really, being a highschooler was fun and was full of “kakornihan” esp. when it comes to “love”. Shaks. The memories were still vivid in my mind and I can say that I was really hopeless (up until now I guess?) back then, and all I know was do things for my crush to notice me. Hahaha. How pitiful, eh?

I was smiling too while reading the “message to the owner” part. It was touching, though I was smirking ’cause uh… I didn’t know and I can’t believe they wrote things like that.

Some said that they are thankful for the friendship, and some said they are sorry for everything. Some also said that I can count on them if I have problems and they can always lend a hand if I need one. They also said that I should not change and just stay the same.

Some said that they will never ever forget about me.

I just wonder… do they still remember the things they wrote down in that slum note few years ago? Do they still remember that they said they’d be a friend for me? That I can always tap their shoulders and ask for help anytime? Do they? It’s funny how they said it simply. Did they mean it? Were those words sincere? If it was, how come we all grew up apart without keeping in touch?

How come I’m the only one remembering now?

Somehow, I find it unfair and disappointing to the both side — theirs and mine. Those people who wrote in my slumbook, did they consider me as a real friend? Did we really became friends? Did I consider them as MY friends?

Maybe yes, in that moment only. But it’s sad to think that some feelings are really just temporary, and some friendships and relationships are made just for the sake of what you have in that time.

I guess what you feel today might not be the same as to what you’ll be feeling tomorrow. And the people who you will call friends can become just an acquaintance as time passes. Or… Maybe I lacked effort too and didn’t give my best in communicating them, or in asking them how they are. Maybe somehow, even though I didn’t want to, I changed. I became a person that they weren’t expecting me to become. However, I’m grateful to have those people who stick with me until now.

The time, plus the challenges you faced and will be facing, will really filter the people who will be there for you no matter what. I know I only have a few of them, but I’m blessed enough to have some people who are close in my heart then and now. :)