The ending that is hard to take.

A new journey has ended for us, but the process of learning will never ever stop. 

Yesterday is one of the most important days for me, and I am truly grateful that I was able to celebrate it with the love(s) of my life. I am happy to be finally stepping out my college life and now re-entering the real world again. It scares me, though, because I know it won’t be as easy as the last time. But yeah, I’ll just follow the road I plan to take. This time… I will pursue the things I want to do and follow the dreams I once made when I was younger.

But somehow, the thought of not being with my friends / classmates that I consider as a family in the following days saddens me. I was used to waking up in the morning with the idea of seeing them later on inside or outside the campus for almost every day. Then now, we will be on our own, and will be waking up every morning to find each purpose in life separately. Hay. Time flies really fast. But this is the reality… The ending that is hard to take for me — the part of separating ways.

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I never knew that they would be this special to me. But now, they’ve brought so much memories to keep. Even though some of us didn’t make it to the end, and even though some of us decided to just let go of their dreams of finishing college and left early to find something worthy, they’d been a part of the group that I will treasure forever.

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I will miss the exchange of corni jokes and nonsense stories, and playing uno cards during our break time.

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I will miss the looong walk under the hottest days that we always do when we’re bored… and also because we don’t have enough money to take jeepneys / trike just to reach the places we would like to go. Haha.

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I will miss the unexpected vacation and journey to some places we’re not familiar with.

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I will miss the late night shoots for our avps & short films, and the staying up all night for video editing.

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I will miss the tambay moments in the nearest mall, the movie marathons, the overnights with smooth and sincere talks, the misunderstandings too… every thing.

They made me feel better just by being with them. It’s like I am with the people who truly understands me and my views in life. They’ve been a part of my improvement… and they’ve become more than a family.

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They are home. 

Clingy as it may seem, but I miss them already. I just hope nobody forgets.

Because I will never ever forget them.

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Sana…

“Kaya nung sinabi niya na gusto ka niya, nainis ako kasi bakit parang gano’n na lang kadali ang umamin? Sana kinaibigan ka muna niya.. Sana nakita niya muna yung mga nakita ko. Sana may ginawa muna siya para sa’yo. Ang dami kong sana…”

Sana kaya ko rin ibalik lahat, lahat – hindi lang mga ginawa mo, kundi maging ang nararamdaman mo. Pero sorry kaibigan, hindi ko talaga kaya.

Sana normal na lang yung gano’n. Yung kahit maibalik ko yung kung anong ibinibigay mo, walang magagalit, walang magsasabing mali. Pero kasi, kahit naman na pilitin kong gawing tama, ay hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya.

Sana pwede kong pawiin lahat nung sakit, o kaya kabiguan mo sa pag-iisip na hindi ka magiging masaya sa gano’ng bagay. Pero kahit na sabihin kong someday ay may darating na gagawa nang mga iyan, ay alam kong hindi ka pa rin lubos na magiging masaya dahil sa hinahawakan mong paniniwala.

Masakit malaman na gano’n pala talaga, but at the same time, masaya. Dahil alam kong may isang taong walang ibang gugustuhin kundi ang nakabubuti para sa akin. Sa kabilang banda, nakakalungkot… kasi gusto ko ikaw rin maging masaya. Gaya ng kagustuhan mong maging masaya ako.

Salamat. Salamat sa lahat. Gusto kong maiyak. Nakalulungkot.

Nakakadisappoint din, dahil all this time, buong akala ko ay ibang tao. Narinig ko pa nga ang mga hinaing mo, binigyan pa nga kita ng mga advise, tapos malalaman ko na ang totoo, ako pala talaga iyon at hindi ang pangalang nabanggit mo. Dapat noong tinanong kita kung sino, ay sinabi mo na ang katotohanan.

Sana tama ang naaiisip ko… na product lang lahat ng utak mo. Na iniisip mo lang na mayroon kang naramdaman – nararamdaman – ewan.

Sana hindi ko na lang pala nalaman.

Thoughts at 1:43pm

I scanned through my old slumbook and I was laughing hard while reading the contents. Really, being a highschooler was fun and was full of “kakornihan” esp. when it comes to “love”. Shaks. The memories were still vivid in my mind and I can say that I was really hopeless (up until now I guess?) back then, and all I know was do things for my crush to notice me. Hahaha. How pitiful, eh?

I was smiling too while reading the “message to the owner” part. It was touching, though I was smirking ’cause uh… I didn’t know and I can’t believe they wrote things like that.

Some said that they are thankful for the friendship, and some said they are sorry for everything. Some also said that I can count on them if I have problems and they can always lend a hand if I need one. They also said that I should not change and just stay the same.

Some said that they will never ever forget about me.

I just wonder… do they still remember the things they wrote down in that slum note few years ago? Do they still remember that they said they’d be a friend for me? That I can always tap their shoulders and ask for help anytime? Do they? It’s funny how they said it simply. Did they mean it? Were those words sincere? If it was, how come we all grew up apart without keeping in touch?

How come I’m the only one remembering now?

Somehow, I find it unfair and disappointing to the both side — theirs and mine. Those people who wrote in my slumbook, did they consider me as a real friend? Did we really became friends? Did I consider them as MY friends?

Maybe yes, in that moment only. But it’s sad to think that some feelings are really just temporary, and some friendships and relationships are made just for the sake of what you have in that time.

I guess what you feel today might not be the same as to what you’ll be feeling tomorrow. And the people who you will call friends can become just an acquaintance as time passes. Or… Maybe I lacked effort too and didn’t give my best in communicating them, or in asking them how they are. Maybe somehow, even though I didn’t want to, I changed. I became a person that they weren’t expecting me to become. However, I’m grateful to have those people who stick with me until now.

The time, plus the challenges you faced and will be facing, will really filter the people who will be there for you no matter what. I know I only have a few of them, but I’m blessed enough to have some people who are close in my heart then and now. :)