Ang walang hanggang tots tungkol sa pag-ibig. (Kailan nga ba matatapos ang mga tanong…?)

Pagod na ako, pero ang utak ko hindi pa rin mapakali sa kaiisip. Siguro nalamanan na naman ng mga katanungan… na siyempre, may kinalaman tungkol dun sa title.

As usual, napag-usapan na naman ang tungkol sa pag-ibig. Wala yatang araw na magkakasama kami ng mga kaibigan ko na hindi namin iyon napag-usapan. Hindi ko na nga matandaan kung kailan ang huling beses na hindi iyon ang topic. Tch.

Kadiri, kabilang talaga kami sa mga hopeless romantic na taong lihim na naghahanap at naghihintay sa kanilang greatest love. Pucha, di na rin naman kasi ako bumabata, hello! Pero yeah, magapakabisi pa akong magpayaman. May mga maghihintay naman eh! Char! Kunwari mahaba buhok ko.

Pero ah, speaking of greatest love. Ayon kasi sa nabasa kong libro, magkaiba raw ang “greatest love” mo sa “correct love” mo. Saang libro? Para Kay B ni Ricky Lee. At narealize ko na… oo. May pagkakaiba nga sila.

Kaso itong si friend, nung nabanggit ko sa kaniya ‘yon, ang sabi niya… “Magkaiba pa ba ang great love sa correct love?” na kapag daw pinili mo ang correct love ay yun na yung great love, kasi iyon yung best eh. Maski ako nalito, pero siyempre, iba kasi yung point.

Ang point kasi… dapat ang makakatuluyan mo ay ang correct love mo. Kasi iyon yung tama eh. Correct nga eh, hello. Ayon ang dapat — para walang masaktan, walang maipit, walang ibang mahihirapan. In short, para lahat happy. Malaki kasi ang tendency na ikaw lang at ang great love mo ang magiging masaya kung iyon ang pipiliin mo. Masaya ka nga, pero deep inside you know, at sa tingin ng iba hindi tama.

Isa pang katanungan na gumugulo sa isip ko na kaakibat nung una. Paano kung kailangan mong pumili between your “choice” and your “love“? For example, may mahal ka, pero hindi siya ang pinili / pipiliin mo dahil sa mabigat na rason, masasabi mo bang mahal mo pa rin siya eh nag-let go ka? Shaks ‘no. Dito na yata pumapasok yung tanong na… mahal mo ba talaga kasi pinakawalan mo o hindi kasi hindi mo pinaglaban? Nakakadugo. Ang sarap ngang gawan ng story, ta’s yung ending ko pinili niya yung “love” niya pero kasi ang hirap kalabanin nung reason eh. Ang challenging! Pero at the same time, nakakalungkot isipin. Kasi… bakit may pagtingin na mali about sa love? At bakit kailangan mong pumili?

Ahh, naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi ng kapatid kong panganay… “Nagiging tama o mali lang naman ang pag-ibig depende sa taong tumitingin”. ‘Di ko nagets nung una ko iyang narinig, pero ngayon naiintindihan ko na. Siguro nga… nasa tao na lang ang kasagutan sa mali o tamang pagmamahal.

Kung makasulat naman ako rito, akala mo naman sobrang expert ko na sa pag-ibig, but the truth is, maski ako nag-iisip kung talaga bang nakaranas na ako ng gano’n. Or kung alam ko ba talaga ang ibig sabihin no’n. Yung true love, ika nga, sa isang tao. Eh kasi, ang pananaw ko na ngayon sa ganiyan, puro feelings na lang eh. Kumbaga, emosiyon mo lang iyan na nararamdaman. Mababago. Mawawala. Pero ang sagwa naman kung ang panghahawakan mo na lang ay ang “commitment”. Ang sound bitter ano. Pero kasi… hindi ba nagsisimula lang naman ang lahat sa isang katiting na emosiyon? Tapos saka na lang madedevelop.

Pero ah, ewan. Hindi ko pa nga rin naiintindihan ng lubos. Sabagay, iba-iba naman kasi talaga ang klase ng pag-ibig. Iba-iba ang paraan ng mga tao para maparamdam nila iyon sa’yo.

Pero ah ulit.

Lutang na ako. I must rest.

Advertisements

What must I say?

Months had passed and I’m still trying to think of what I should put here in my blog. I admit that I don’t have enough inspiration to write or enough motivation to create some masterpieces to share here and yeah I just feel like floating every day — aside from being busy in school (and hooray! There are only few days left before graduation!).

Truthfully speaking, I think I already forgot how to write and put my feelings into words. There were nights that I really wanted to finish a chapter or an essay — a poem at least, but I always ended up staring the monitor for hours. I feel disappointed and frustrated that I have many pending works in my folder. I’m thinking maybe reality are slowly kicking in, and I am gradually entering the real world — which means no more day dreaming and childish stuff – whatsoever.

Well, many things happened and many things have changed in terms of my lifestyle, perception in life, and sensitivity to the people around me — and I still don’t know if it’s for the better… or worse.

As I type this, I am thinking the down moments I had last year. The most “painful” month for me was approaching soon and I am grateful to say that I was able to recover quickly. My broken heart was healed faster than I expected. Though there are still some times that I remember every painful things I experienced, but managed to overcome with the help of my friends and family — good bye to a broken heart and an unclear mind!

These past few months weren’t easy too, though. My bags under my eyes became luggage due to the making of our thesis. It was a hell week for us. We weren’t able to have a normal sleep during those moments and we considered ourselves lucky if we can have at least an hour of nap. And yes friends, thesis can destroy friendship! But since we’re close enough to talk about issues, we managed to finish it still friends. He he he.

I can’t make a list of all what happened but this one thing made me bothered big time:

A friend confessed his feelings to me.

At first, I thought it was only a joke (because I am used to him being the joker of the class) and I was confidently riding it without any meaning. So when the day came that he said he really have a feeling for me, that was when I became bothered. I said it was fine for me that he has feelings and agreed to act cool about it and stay friends for now, but honestly, it wasn’t easy to be around him for days. I can feel the awkwardness and discomfort between the two of us and I’m not used to that. Tho I can see that he’s trying to talk to me about that matter but still, I feel anxious. But yeah, every thing could be settled in a sensible talk and conversation so we’re okay now… as friends. Honestly, I was willing to entertain him (if he’s really gonna woo me) and was hoping for something to bloom but then I realized, I am not yet ready for another love and deep relationship. My family and career is my focus for now.

Anyways, my favorite moment so far is our Sakbay and Toga pictorial. We had our official Sakbay pictorial last March 16 and last week was our not-so-official-coz-we-just-set-up-a-studio Toga pictorial in a classmate’s house. Happiness is all over me because I can finally sense the success!!! Kidding. But uhuh, the pictures always put a smile on my face whenever I see them in my laptop just waiting for the right time to upload. Hihihi.

And oh! Of course! My favorite too was that I got the chance to visit Puerto Princesa, Palawan last February with my co-school publication staffers and editors for the 16th Luzonwide Press Conference! Tho I wasn’t able to win the the category I joined, still, I’m happy to finally get to ride an airplane! It was a wonderful experience for me! Yay!

I am excited too for the grad ball and the graduation day! I am excited for the dresses I will be wearing, for the pictures I will be taking, for the food that I will be eating, and for the moments that I will be creating and capturing with my friends inside and outside the school.

And of course, I am excited for the road I will be taking after graduation. :)