April 2016 has been the most painful month for me. And it was like a whole month of jokes, hoping one day — or at least on its last day — I will wake up and realize that all of what happened was only a dream. But it wasn’t.
I want to claim and declare that it is the most painful month because I do not want to experience it again in the future. Now I know why other people say that they are afraid to be happy, for one day, it will be replaced by pain, and not just sadness.
Actually, there are two kinds of pain that I have felt (and still feeling, I guess): The pain with sadness, and the pain with grudge.
As much as possible, I am trying to put away the latter. I don’t want to hold a grudge over someone because I know, in time, I will be the one who will suffer for doing so.
But here’s the thing why I am writing this: I have lost two men in my life.
One was the man who loved me and didn’t forget to remind me how valuable I am, but I was not able to show how I love him and appreciate all of the things he did for me; and one was the man who I loved deeply and gave so much time, but was not able to treasure my worth.
I am really sad that I only realized their difference when they’re both gone in my life, physically and mentally — Physically, because daddy’s body is now gone, but his memories and presence will always stay in our hearts. Mentally, because N’s still there, somewhere, doing his things, not remembering me and all the things we’ve shared together… but his presence is now absent.
Did you now get what I mean?
There are no nights that I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I feel so empty… like there are so many pieces of myself that are missing and my heart and emotions are dead and numb. Though I miss daddy (I know mommy misses him so much too and we are all missing him so much), but when I look at his picture it’s like he’s still here. Sighs. And I still miss and think of N, but they say I shouldn’t because he’s not worthy of my time and emotions anymore. Sighs again.
Now it’s funny how I think that I am truly strong, because I have endured the pain and bear all the heartaches of losing people. The worse part of that was, I (almost) lost my self too because of that. Lucky, I didn’t.
As I have said in one of my post in my Tumblog,
“One of the saddest things that’s ever gonna happen to you, is to lose yourself along the way while searching for someone.”
We must all bear in our minds that nobody will ever gonna make you whole and complete except for yourself. I think people can only help you, but not gonna make you.
I’m now wishing and praying for acceptance, forgiveness, and motivation to trust people again. As a daily reminder, I keep on reading the phrase that I have written as a note to self, a year ago.
“I want you to be strong enough to move on, and to open your heart for another love.”
But as much as possible… be strong enough to accept and forgive, and to open your heart for trusting people again.