Some people say I am lucky to have this and that. Some people say I am fortunate to become like this and that. Some people say they want to put themselves in my shoes because of this and that. But for me, I am not lucky enough. I am not fortunate enough. And sometimes, I wish I am not the one who fit in this shoes I am wearing now.
Last night was a not so-so good night for me. I cried a lot causing my eyes to bloat. I look like a fat raw Chinese now. Tch. It’s just a small misunderstanding and nonsense issue between my brother and I. I just don’t understand him. I really don’t. And in the first place, he’s the one who started it. He threw cusses at me, in person and in FB. That’s why I deactivate my account there. He said I am the one who should be blame, too. But heck, I know what happened, I won’t hysteric like that if he didn’t do something wrong and bad and painful to me. I’ve never been cussed by my parents or guardians neither my friends! He’s the only worthless person who ever did that to me. I don’t care if people will tell me I am disrespectful. He’s not worth my respect, after all. Never will I respect him. EVER in my life!
But wait, he’s not the reason why I cried. I already told you, he’s not worth my respect nor my tears too. The reason why I silently cried last night was because of Mama. I heard her cry again over the phone because of us. She said she’s already tired. She said she want to give up. She also said to me the number one fact about our family. “Wala na nga kayong tatay, ganyan pa kayong magkakapatid?” Okay, who’s not going to be emotional with that? After she said that fact, I remained speechless. I know if I talk, I will burst in tears. So I remained silent, listening to her cries til the phone line was dead.
I know some things need to be private and some things should be kept to yourself forever but I feel like I need to release this emotions I am feeling right now. Last night after the call, I took a pen an paper and wrote something… unusual. You know what I wrote? I wrote a death note. Yes, a death note. I told everything in that letter. My feelings, the pain, everything. I also said in that letter that If she’s tired because of the situation, I am more tired because I have this kind of family. I have this kind of problems, and because I have this kind of life. And yes, I’m about to give up. You know what I did? I restrained myself from breathing. But I can’t. I’m afraid, to be honest. Maybe I just can’t let go and be dead because I’m still in love with life, even though life doesn’t love me.
Problems will end. Challenges and obstacles will be over. But life will remain life, even people dies, life goes on.
Even though it’s hard, even though sometimes the thought of ending things is occurring my mind, as much as possible, I want to remain alive.
The stairs to computer lab. This floor is still the computer lab.
Filipino Department Building / former Science Lab building
Former first year and second year building. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ‘yan ngayon.
And yes, I spent my four years of high school here. And it’s been three years since I went to this place again. Oh look! There I am now! Haha! As much as I wanted to go to other building, I can’t. There’s so many people coz of the graduation so I can’t take a formal picture of each rooms.
Her cold body was lying beneath the white surface of the scary room, though she was on a metal thing that separates her body from the tile. She looks the same, still beautiful but strange. Very strange from the woman they’ve known for over eight decades. She still have this long-pointed nose, heart shaped lips and fine lady-oval face. But they know it isn’t her. It isn’t her anymore.
She’s beautifully sleeping right over there, in front of them. Her eyes were shut like someone put wet glues to her upper and lower lashes. Her lips were perfectly lined. Her hands were on the sides, comfortably resting on the metal thing. Her undressed and stiffened body was covered in white cloth protecting from the eyes of the people who’s looking at her.
A man and a lady then came. They came near her. They started to clean and washed her body using a small towel. They just watched them touched her. They just let them clean her. They know she wasn’t afraid. And after washing her hair, brushing it away her face so that people can see how beautiful she was, the lady put some make-up on her not so glowing and lively but still lovely pretty face. She wants to look pretty, they know she always wanted to look pretty. So the lady did, she made her lovely again just like the old days. They then dressed her a dirty white, old-fashioned toe-length dress with a ruffle on its chest part. They also put a green rosary on her hand, it was cut in the middle but the balls didn’t roll down.
She was now ready.
They put her in — like a mixed flour ready to be cooked in an oven to become a bread. She was now lying at the coffin with an image of a blinking-lights-Mama-Mary at the center. And then…
She wasn’t in that white, sad, gloomy, and scary room anymore.
Well, fvck memories! I remembered this scene when I read the word “morgue”. Tch. >< It’s all coming back now. OMG. It’s all coming back now. huhuhuhu
I’m in the midst of stress and depression, isama mo pa ang frustration, ngayon. Wala kasi akong mapagsabihan eh. Puwede bang dito na lang?
Umiiyak ako ngayon. Umiiyak na naman ako ngayon. Kaiiyak ko lang kagabi eh! Tch. Ngayong araw ko kasi binitawan yung kagustuhan kong mag-aral ulit. Si Mama eh, magulong kausap. Kaya sabi ko ayoko na kahit gustong gusto ko talaga. Ha-ha! Hindi naman big deal, pero parang big deal sa akin. Alam mo yung… nag-iisip ako na… Yung iba nga eh walang pampaaral pero nagagawan ng paraan. Yung tipong nagwoworking student, nagta-trabaho kahit hirap na hirap na makapag-aral lang. Kung tutuusin puwedeng puwede ko naman gawin ‘yon eh. Kulang lang talaga ako sa determinasiyon at lakas ng loob. Pero sabi ko nga, talagang… iba lang yung meron kang “full support” na naggagaling sa parents mo. (pero yung iba walang parents ‘di ba?) but hey, it’s not the point. Iba yung sinasabi kong “support”. I hope you get me.
Ito pa, napag-isip-isip ko na din kasi, yung iba ngang graduate ng 4 years hanggang ngayon walang work eh. Pero yung ibang hindi nakatapos ng college eh may work naman. Ang ewan lang eh ‘no? Pero kasi, iba pa din talaga para sa akin na may pinanghahawakan ako. Sa akin lang ‘yon eh. Once na makapagtapos ako ng 4 years eh feeling ko iba. Iba talaga ang dating sa akin. Pero wala eh, kung mag-aaral ako ulit, lalo akong manliliit. Bakit kasi hindi na lang ako kumuha ng 4 year course nung una pa lang ‘di ba? Ayan, pakiramdam ko tuloy napag-iiwanan na ako. Haay life, bakit ko ba ginagawang komplikado ang lahat? Tch.
Sabi nila maging praktikal daw. Kaya sige hindi na ako naghangad na makakapagtapos ako ng may degree. Okay na sa akin yung nakatapos ako ng vocational. Okay na sa akin yung nakatungtong ako sa stage na nakaitim na damit at may hawak na diploma. Pero biglang in-open up eh. Tinanong ako kung gusto ko pa daw mag-aral ulit. Siyempre um-oo ako! Ang saya-saya ko na. Kasi puwede na akong maging fine arts or journalist student, alinman sa dalawa, pero boom! Biglang sinabi na kapag balik first year ako eh HUWAG NA LANG DAW. Ehh ano ‘yon? Malamang balik first year ako non! Malamang iilan lang ang subject kong mace-credit nung first year. Wala pa ngang 20 ang units namin ‘non eh. Tch. Mga anim lang ang subject na pinag-aaralan namin non. Kaya ayun, nabigo ulit ako. Umasa ako eh. Akala ko okay na sa kanya, okay naman daw sa kanya kasi gusto niya kahit na kaming dalawa lang ng kapatid kong babae ang makapagtapos ng 4 years sa amin. Pero eh huwag na lang. Nawalan ako ng pag-asa. Pero heto patuloy na umaasa naman. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Sobrang naguguluhan ako. Nakailang hingi na ako ng payo. Sabi nila sundin ko daw ang puso ko. Pero paano nga kasi???? Paano ba sundin ang puso??? Ilang araw na akong tuliro kakaisip nito. Kung maraming marami lang sana akong pera edi sana hindi na ako namomroblema ‘di ba? Pero hindi naman talaga ‘to problema eh. Mas malaki pa yung problema nung iba. Sadyang ginagawa ko lang kumplikado ang lahat. But what can I do? I can’t help not to think of it. It’s a matter of choosing between the things that you want to do and the things that THEY WANT you to do kasi ang dating eh. Kaya heto, litong lito na ako.
Sa sobrang lito ko na eh parang gusto ko na lang mag disappear na parang bula! Gusto ko nang lisanin ang Earth! Gusto ko nang madedo. Para kung hindi ko man magawa yung mga gusto ko o hindi ko man magawa yung mga gusto nila eh walang sisihan na mangyayari. Tahimik pa ang buhay ko.
Hay life, parang buhay.
Idagdag mo pa yung wala akong makitang trabaho! Nyemas lang ‘di ba?! I feel so useless!!!! Nakakahiya ka, Rizza. ><
Lately, palagi ko na lang kasing naiisip yung possibility na hindi na ako magising one day. I know, I know na dapat hindi ako nag-iisip ng ganito but what can I do? Alam naman natin na anytime puwedeng bawiin ang hiram nating buhay sa atin, ‘di ba?
So ayun nga. Tuwing gabi naiiisip ko kung ano ang mangyayari sa kanila kapag wala na ako. Tapos naisip ko din yung mga gusto kong gawin nila for me. Yung parang last favor ko ba? Oo ‘yon nga ‘yon. Pero siyempre, alangan sabihin ko sa kanila na.. “Hey, kapag namatay ako gusto ko ganito…” eh ‘di ba parang ang sagwa naman? Kaya ayun. Naisip ko na lang na ipost ito dito. Nag-isip pa nga ako na isulat lahat (sa drafts) ng mga account username/email and passwords ko para naman kapag wala na ako, puwede nilang mabuksan ang mga social accounts ko sa net eh. Pati nga password ng cellphone ko eh gusto kong ilista. He-he. Pero pag-iisipan ko pa. Alam ko naman kasing walang masiyadong nakakaalam ng blog ko na ‘to. Nakakatamad na kasing magblog dun sa isa. Para kasing kada post mo eh huhusgahan ka nila base sa pagkakakilala nila sa’yo. E dito, wala. Walang manghuhusga. Well, sana.
So balik tayo dun sa naisip kong paglalagay ng aking last will dito. Sisimula ko na!
Kapag ako nawala…
- Gusto ko ang tatlo sa unang makaka-alam ay ang pinakaclose kong mga kaibigan. Sa elementary, I ang nagsisimulang letter ng name niya. Sa highschool, L ang nagsisimula ang name niya pero ang tawagan namin ay D. At sa college, si ate S. Gusto ko sila ang unang makaalam sa mga kaibigan ko. Walang iba. Dapat sila muna.
- Kapag nakahiga na ako sa kasket, ayokong basa ang buhok ko. Gusto ko din na natatakpan ang malapad kong noo. Sa damit, wala na akong pakialam. Basta gusto ko maganda ako! Light lang ang make-up.
- Gusto ko tulips ang bulaklak. Yung color blue at RED.
- Yung mga komiks ko, yung mga drawings ko, yung mga stories ko, gusto ko katabi ko sila habang nakahiga ako sa harapan ng maraming tao. Gusto kong basahin at tignan nila ‘yon imbes na iniiyakan nila ako.
- Ayokong nakatim sila. Gusto ko nakaputi silang lahat.
- Gusto ko nandon si first love, si imba, at si k. Lalo na sa huling lamay.
- Gusto kong magmessage sila ng kahit ano sa akin. Kahit na hindi ko na maririnig pa yung mga gusto nilang sabihin, gusto ko magsalita sila sa unahan. Para malaman ng iba, lalo na yung mga hindi ako kilala ng lubos, kung ano ako sa paningin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko noong ako’y nabubuhay pa.
- Ayokong mag stay sa ilalim. Malulungkot ako. Ayoko din ng pa-apartment, malamig yung semento. Cremate. Gusto kong ma-cremate.
- After nila akong ma-cremate, gusto ko color red or blue ang jar ko. Tapos, doon din nakasulat ang “Like the dust on the floor, the wind carrying. Like the bubble in my bath that keeps on popping. They’re just fading, with the blink of an eye. Just like my faded love, and I don’t know why” na linya ng isa kong tula.
- Gusto ko din, kahit hindi ko na makikita, na maipublish ang isa sa mga story na nagawa ko. Puwedeng yung tungkol sa “ulan”, yung sa “Summer” o kaya yung sa mga “Pahina”. Alam na nila kung ano ‘yon.
- Gusto ko din, kahit wala na ako, may bibisita pa din sa blog ko. May magpapadaan pa din ng gm sa cellphone ko. May magfofollow sa twitter, at magta-tag ng mga pictures sa FB.
Pero ang higit sa lahat, kapag ako nawala…
I want them to forget me. I don’t want them to remember me. Gusto kong isipin nila na wala silang nakilalang tao na katulad ko.
Simple lang naman yung mga gusto ko ‘di ba? Sana matupad. In case lang naman.
It’s a rose from mommy! Actually, it’s her rose. I just picked one from the bouquet and put it on a vase. But after three days, the red color faded and the petals became black.
Taken at Holy Garden’s roof.
It was a good day. My sister and I went outside for some… matters. School matters. Mama was thinking if I should go back to school or work instead. Ugh. She’s soooo pickle-minded. She asked me if I want to go back to school again and of course I said yeah! But she said if I am going to be a freshman again, she said never mind. Hay. Pinaasa niya lang ako. </3 Then I remembered this classmate of mine who didn’t go to college but now has a work. See? See? Daig pa akong nakatapos ng 2 years!!! Hanggang ngayon wala pa akong work!!!! Hay. That’s why I was so confused yesterday and needed to unwind.
I asked my sister, after we went to a school near town if it’s okay for her to accompany me, again, to my favorite place. She totally agreed with me and so we went home first and got my camera. We bought halo-halo on the way, too.
We hurriedly went upstairs to the lighthouse or tower (errrr, i don’t want to call it a light house or tower because it doesn’t look like a light house or a tower for me *it’s a second story building only!*but they’re calling it a lighthouse or tower so yeah I should call it a lighthouse or tower too) and took a sight of the surroundings. Me and sister were the only people up there so I sang! and sang and sang and sang until it started to rain. Haha! And look at my feet! I know, I know… They’re BIG.
Some children, all gradeschoolers, went up to the lighthouse, too. They were staring at the buildings over there (you can’t see it, the city was full of smoke and it’s color grey!! so yeah) and they all said they wanted to go to Manila when they grow up. I wanted to butt in and say that it’s better here. But I don’t want to ruin their day dreaming so I didn’t. lol. Some of the girls also shouted “I LOVE YOU *the name of their crush in school*” before going down. Haha! I can see myself back then to them. I remembered when I was in grade 3, I also shouted “I LOVE YOU…” and the name of my crush at the end together with my friends! What a shame! Hah
After an hour, we decided to take a walk. My sister took a shot on this “quote” that says “KEEP MOVING”, the motto or our t
P.S. tomorrow is Mama’s birthday! I don’t know what to give her. </3