She imagined herself sitting on an office chair, holding pen and paper, signing contract or proposal, facing the computer and going to meetings; she imagined herself holding charcoals and brushes, mixing paints and oils, and drawing on a canvas; She even imagined herself standing while smiling inside an airplane. She didn’t actually think of what she will be in the future. But you know, being a child, she do have many dreams like, she wants to be like her or him; she wants to be known to this and that field; and she want to do something that brings happiness to herself.
She is a very imaginative, cheerful girl. She’s not very good nor perfect, but she always do her best and puts her 101% effort. She’s an 8 year old girl having so many dreams and enough motivation to do something for the sake of other’s happiness.
To be honest, I don’t know what happened to her now. 10 years had passed and that girl is turning into a fragile and weak lady. This 18 year-old-lady I see, is really different from that 8 year-old-girl I know.. she still dream and imagine like she did, but the dreams are more fuzzy.She was lost maybe. Disappointments came to her. Frustrations got her. And now, it’s much worse.
She’s. Slowly. Giving. Up.
She’s afraid to disappoint herself. She’s afraid of not doing the things she loves to do. She’s afraid to do the things she must because of the people who expect more from her.
She cried a lot more times she did when she’s only experiencing having a wound on her right knee. She cried a lot more times, realizing that being a grown up is much harder than taking a bathe early in the morning. She cried, every single night thinking some random “what if’s” in her mind. She cried. And she’s crying now… while typing this because she needs to let go of her feelings. She wants to go back to the past. She wants to be the same as she was, 10 years ago. She wants to be strong, inspired and she wants to have a dream like she used to when she was still 8 years old.
She miss her old self.
….I miss my old self.